mr3

Mr. Blacks is Back!
Yes, that's right!
Mr. Blacks is back!
(in)
HIS THIRD OFFICIAL ADVENTURE :
"Mr. Blacks is Back"
Part 1 "Mr. Blacks is Back"

"AAAAAAAAA!!!" cried Mr. Blacks jumping from his bed in complete terror. He was sweating profusely. He looked around nervously.

"Pheew," he muttered wiping his brow. So it had all been a dream! That pink monkey HADN'T really attacked him! And all those laughing leprechauns had been figments over his overstressed brain! It had all been a dream! A silly dream!

He crept out of bed. He brushed his teeth and scrubbed his face. He suddenly realized he didn't feel too great. "Better take my temperature," Mr. Blacks reasoned. It was 103.

"Oh no! I'm sick!" he exclaimed. "I'll have to miss work today! Oh, well. I'm overworked as it is. I'll just call up the spy office and tell 'em I won't be in today!" Mr. Blacks said aloud. There wasn't any one else around, but it was an old habit of his to talk to himself. He'd divulged a lot of top secret information that way.

He began to dial the number.

"Damn!" he muttered. "What's the Top Secret Extension? I always forget! Guess I'll have to look it up in the new Bell Atlantic Top Secret Yellow Pages."

He dialed the number. It rang six times. Then the Top Secret Answering Machine picked up:

"Hello. You've reached The Top Secret Spy Building. Our on-duty secretary is currently off-duty. But if you have any information that could lead to the capture and arrest of Mr. Big then please, press one. If you are Big or work for his agency `Bad Guys, Inc.', and would like to threaten to destroy the universe, press two. If you'd like to make a more minor threat, press the pound sign now."

"Damn!" Mr. Blacks said, slamming the phone onto its hook. The phone fell to pieces. "The secretary's not there! If I don't call in to say I'm not going to be at work today, I'll get fired!" He screeched nervously. "It's the standard policy! And firing myself would be a real embarrassment! I'll have to go down there and tell them personally."

He opened the door and ran out into the busy city streets. His car was still in the shop after the ungodly wreckage it suffered when the valet attendant at the "Annual Bad Guy Reception" drove it off a cliff, so he hailed a cab.

"Where to, bub?" the cab driver inquired as Mr. Blacks squashed into the back seat.

"Top Secret Spy Building! And step on it!" he said excitedly.

"Which one, bub, the one on Maple drive, or the one Fifth Street?"

"No, you idiot!" Mr. Blacks cried. "The one next to McDonalds!"

"Oh, okay, gotcha." And the cab sped away. Just as it was about to pull up next to the building, the driver pulled out a gun.

"So, Mr. Blacks, you didn't recognize me with my new face?" the driver said, suddenly talking in a new raspy, villainous voice.

"Well, I'm sure you'll recognize this." He cocked the gun and pointed it squarely in Mr. Blacks' face. "I believe you've been acquainted with my old friend, a Mister AK47, though today you'll meet him in a, how shall I put it…" he looked into space for a moment, thinking, "a more personal manner."

"Get the hell out of my way!" said Mr. Blacks, karate chopping the man through the window. He jogged up the stairway and into his office.

"Dear God! What am I doing here!" Mr. Blacks hollered, looking at his surroundings. "This appears to be some sort of spy business. How did I get here? Where was I trying to go anyway?" Mr. Blacks scratched his head.

"Uh, sir," Mr. Yellow started. "You DO work here. Your our, um, boss, remember?"

"You're right! This IS my office!" he said, suddenly remembering. "Now I remember why I came over here! To fire you dimwits! Always pretending to be spies and blowing people up when you should be working! Yes! You're fired all of you! NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I REALLY GET MAD!!!"

"Uh, yeah, whatever," Mr. Green muttered. "You know, you look a little pale, sir. A little like your heart's going to explode from your chest and your brains are gonna spill out of your head. I dunno, I'm no doctor."

"Shut up you-AGGG!!" Mr. Blacks sputtered, his heart exploding and his brains spilling from his head. "Don't expect a raise for this!"

And he collapsed on the floor. Dead.

Oh no! The horror! The horror! Mr. Blacks is dead! Dead! Dead!
What will happen?
Find out next week in the thrilling conclusion entitled:
"Mr. Blacks Isn't Really Dead!"
*********************************************************************************
Hey kids? What time is it?

It's Mr. Blacks time!

'THE MR. BLACKS HOUR!'

Starring (in order of appearance):

Bobby Smiles as Dr. Bad Guy

Whoopi Goldberg as Dr. Claw

AND THE ONE AND ONLY

Mr. Blacks as himself!

Brought to you by the good people who manufacture

SOYLENT GREEN®

& *NEW* Soylent Tastee Treats!

Yes, it's good, cheap and not made of people!*

*above statement may be false

With Soylent, the future is now!™

Tonight's episode is entitled:

"The Ice Man Cometh"

(or something along those lines)

AND NOW THE CHILLING CONCLUSION TO LAST WEEK'S ADVENTURE!

"Wait a minute! That's not Mr. Blacks!"

Gasps and wails of surprise filled the room.

"It's just a float for the Macy's Thanksgiving parade! It must have blown in through the window! You know, it was pretty dumb of us to mistake Woody Woodpecker for our own boss, but at least our dear friend Mr. Blacks is safe and sound in--" he looked around. "Wait a minute, he's not here!"

More astonished gasps filled the room.

"Oh no! The trauma! MR. BLACKS IS MISSING!"

Where is Mr. Blacks? What will happen?
Find out right now:

"I'm over here."

"Oh," Mr. Blue realized, "he was just wearing his invisibility coat so we couldn't see him and presumed he was gone. But he wasn't because--well, I already explained that."

"Good thing that's all explained. Well, everything's back to normal. Guess nothing exciting is going to happen now. Yeah, it would just be too big a coincidence if suddenly---"

There was a crash from the window and five bad guys jumped in!

"Everyone! Get your guns!" cried Mr. Orange, dripping with sweat.

"There's not time! We'll have to make due with what we have here!"

"Pheew," Mr. Yellow said. "Good thing there's all these sharp, blunt objects just lying around."

"Yeah, who knows what we'd do if that baseball bat and broken bottle store's truck hadn't crashed into our building yesterday."

"Yup, really makes you think, doesn't it?"

A shot rang through the air. Mr. Green caught the bullet in his mouth and spat it back.

"Ha! Didn't think I'd take you seriously when you said eat lead, did you?"

"But I didn't say--"

"Shut up!"

Mr. White jumped into the air, grabbed a grenade, and tossed it out the window to the sound of an explosion.

"Man! This is a killer of a job!"

"Yeah, you said it!" Mr. Violet chimed in.

"My name is Dr. Ice. I've got a license to chill. You freeze now," said a man who looked remarkably like Arnold Swarzenagger.

Ten armed good guys marched quickly into the room. "No! You freeze, ice man!"

"While you were cocking your gun, I took the opportunity to call for back up. Looks like we're hauling your butts in again," Mr. Yellow explained.

"Blast! Foiled again!" said Dr. Ice.

"You don't know how right you are!" Mr. Red snappily retorted.

"What the hell are you talking about, Jim?"

"Well you know, foil's kind of cold. And he's, like, Dr. Ice so it seemed kind of ironic he'd bring it up."

After everything had calmed down, Mr. Green noticed something surprising.

"You guys! Look! Mr. Blacks has collapsed on the floor!"

"What?" Mr. White cried. "That already happened!"

"No. This time it's for real. He looks really sick."

"Quick! Someone take his wallet! And, you know, call a doctor or something."

Soon a doctor arrived and took Mr. Blacks' pulse.

"I'm afraid," the doctor said dramatically, "I'm going to have to pronounce Mr. Blacks," he paused momentarily for effect, "legally dead."

"Dead? What are you talking about? He's breathing heavily and I can hear his heart pounding from here!" said Mr. Yellow.

"Oh! My mistake, I must have forgotten to put the stethoscope around my ears. Happens all the time. I guess I'd better take this guy to a doctor then, huh?"

"Huh? Who the hell are you then?" Mr. Yellow said, somewhat surprised.

"Let's just call me a well wishing guy who stole a doctor's coat."

* * *

We find Mr. Blacks in the office of Dr. Charles Ibonwitch, M.D.

"Good lord!" exclaimed Doctor Ibotonwitch in a shocked voice, "why didn't you visit earlier? This is the most severe case I've seen or heard of ever! You're suffering from multiple cases of amnesia and your blood pressure has reached such a high point that it's literally boiling in your veins!"

"High blood pressure my butt!" Mr. Blacks exclaimed, shattering the window in the office. "Oh sure, sure! You strut around here with your doctor's coats and rainbow suspenders and tell people whose blood pressure is boiling and whose isn't!" He grabbed the doctor by his stethoscope. "Well, I'm tired of you and your whole operation! That's right! That's right! I'm as healthy as the next guy! And don't tell me any differently, you no good quack!"

"Fine! Fine! Just get out of here then!" the doctor said. "You've ruined everything in the office and I don't know if we're ever going to track down the nurses you fired!"

"I had a damn good reason! And I'll fire you if you don't--"

"Sir, you're in no way qualified to fire me yourself. If you would like to switch to another physician I'd be happy to transfer your records to--"

"Alright, that's it! You're outta here!"

"Look, if you want my medical advice I believe your severe temper to be the cause of all your recent medical problems. I'd suggest not yelling at anyone or anything for at least a week."

"NOT YELL AT ANYONE? That's it! I've had it up to here with you telling me what to do! Don't yell! Take this pill! Don't forget to come in on Friday for re-constructive brain surgery! I'm sick of it! And lastly, I want to make it clear that the allegations concerning me stealing large amounts of duct tape are based on nothing! I may have used a little too much one day bu---wait a minute, this isn't Judge Judy! Damn sassy judge! Anyway, keep up the good work!"

Mr. Blacks made his standard exit through the window and was back to work.

And so closes this wonderful adventure.

Watch for next week's episode.

We hope it'll be good. But you know we can't promises anything. I mean, judging by how much this one sucked.
(C)(