MALLPOCALYPSE NOW!

Episode One: Meet Gila Monster Camel and Hey Baby Baby

Part I: A Quick Fix

Scenes Via Omniscient Security Cam

Wood splintered, scattering in dusty, dry clouds, and sap spewed forth from the skull of the screaming mannequin, covering the circles of clothes with warm, wet goo, as Gila Monster Camel brought his Pigman Chainsaw Chewer and Reviewer 3000RSVP up and into the puppet's hollow skull. The chainsaw grinded and smoked its way out through the mannequin's factory made hairline. Damage done, Gila lifted up his "Galaxie Studios" baseball cap by the brim and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. Then he looked down at himself. His white Bad Seed t-shirt, which was fronted with a rather big-headed, smiling, devil of a sperm and backed with the number 13, was covered in sap and shavings. He shook his head, and then he looked to his right.

Hey Baby Baby, her blond hair shinning brillantly under the glare of the flourescent lights above, was knelling three feet from her boyfriend with a shotgun in her hands, recycling another member of Pinochoio's Mannequin Revolution with a blast from the barrel of her Clampett and Bodine Supreme Machine 12 gauge. Gila admired her stance for a moment, paying special attention to her chest, held tight in an O-Crew tank top, as she fired away at the mannequin.

I guess you could say it was a normal day in Mallhalla.

Smilling now that he had caught a glimpse of his Baby and having forgotten about his ruined shirt (he'd steal one before they left,) Gila Monster Camel kicked the hairline- fracture of a mannequin in the center of her cashmire chest and watched her crumple and fall back into the circled rack of Pre-Washed, Pre-Sewn, Pre-Hemmed, Pre-Torn, Designer Jeans from Georgio Geffano. The rack broke as the falling body hit it. The sap from the mannequin's head came in a big spurt, valdezing the jeans with sappy goo, as the rack and body hit the black and white tiled floor. Georgio Geffano's fall line was now ruined as potential items of sell, not that it really mattered since the fall line had become passe' the previous spring. With his Pigman Chaninsaw Chewer and Reviewer 3000 RSVP pulled back, Gila Monster Camel couldn't have been more pleased as he jumped over the broken aluminum rack and oozing wooden body. He was born to spill sap and splinter wood.

Leaping over the rack, Gila Monster Camel looked ahead at a lone mannequin with brick-red, glossy lips, her mouth open and jaw slack, standing still as a Redwood. He was headed her way. In a state of panic, the mannequin began to take off her clothes. She didn't want to see her painful accessori- zation ruined by an madman with a chainsaw. After all, one way or another, tonight she was going to make WADD's 6:00 news, whether as a survivor or a chalk-line cariacature, so she had to save her clothes if she wanted to be presentable.

Unfortunately, her valiant efforts at clothesal preservation were in vain because Gila Monster Camel landed on the tile in front of her and sliced her through her wooden, washboard gut with his rumbling Pigman Chainsaw Chewer and Reviewer RSVP 3000 before she even had time to pull her blouse up and over her head. The mannequin fell over backwards in astonishment.

Proud of himself and his athletic ability (after all, handling a chainsaw is harder than it looks,) Gila paused in the middle of battle, looked at Hey Baby Baby, waiting until he got her attention (he did,) and then he blew her a kiss.

Underneath her sappy blond bangs, Hey Baby Baby smiled at her equally sap-covered lover and said, "Impressive, Gila. I told you those dance classes would do you some good."

For a second, Gila Monster Camel was embarrassed, but then he smiled, raised his chainsaw-free arm, bent it at the elbow, flexed his bicep in an effort to reaffirm his manhood (after all, dancing always felt kind of queer to him,) and winked at Baby.

Frowning seductively back, Hey Baby Baby acknowledged Gila's bulging manhood and said in a slightly sly whisper, "Ooh baby, not now. I can't touch it."

Gila lowered his flexing arm, his eyes focusing, his brow wrinkling, and pointed ahead of Hey Baby Baby to the ubergroomed mannequin of the male variety who was coming her way. Baby nodded back, her brow immediately stern and her teeth gritting, and raised her Clampett and Bodine Supreme Machine 12 gauge shotgun. Charging toward her, the uber- groomed mannequin was limply holding a coat-hanger in his hand like it was a diseased club. His teeth were chattering, and his eyes were running down his wooden face in colored streaks of blue and black, ruining the look of his perfectly proportioned, rosy red cheeks (painted of course.) He screamed , "You're ruining my store. You're ruining my store."

Fully aware that "You're ruining my store. You're ruining my store." was Mannequin for "Long Live Pinocchio, you breeding bitch," Hey Baby Baby fired her Clampett and Bodine Supreme Machine 12 gauge at the head of the ubergroomed mannequin which promptly exploded sap and burning chips (having been ignited by the gun power) like one of Gallager's pet watermelons releases its fruit and seeds.

Consequently, the burning chips sprayed out over a ten foot radius and set three clothes racks of limited attire on fire, creating quite a fashionable bonfire.

Stern brow retreating, sharp focus releasing, Hey Baby Baby lowered her gun, turned to Gila, looked at him with her tender blue eyes, and said, "Thanks, Gila."

To her right, Gila Monster Camel tipped his Galaxie Studios ball cap as he churned his way through the knotted belly of a rather obese mannequin. Once finished, he grabbed his crotch, smiled at Hey Baby Baby, and went charging after another member of Pinocchio's Mannequin Revolution. ********

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