"Of Sexual Harassment and Uranus"

   I was watching the national news when yet another story about
sexual harassment presented itself, and a most interesting one at 
that. Seems, some guy turned to some girl and said, "Hey, did you 
catch Seinfeld last night?" 
  
  She said, "No, I didn't. What was it about?" 
   
  He answered, "Well, Jerry went out with this girl whose name
rhymed with a part of the female anatomy." 
   
   She asked, "Yeah, so what's her name?" 
   
   To this he replied, "Dolores." 
   
   Bewildered, the lady asked, "I don't get it," thereby 
confirming that she had never attended a Sex-Ed class in her life. 
  
   In order to enlighten the ignorant woman with out being 
verbally vulgar the man picked up a dictionary and showed her the 
dreaded "C-word," clitoris. The lady fell back in astonishment upon
seeing the word for the first time, completely unaware that such a
body part existed in her country. A weak cry escaped her lips, 
"Sexual Harassment," before she fainted, hitting the carpeted floor 
contained in her cubicle, proving that eventhough her country might be
well guarded, it was very, very weak. 

   Immediately, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens 
and struck the harassing man dead. Unfortunately, such asks of God 
were not covered in the man's insurance policy, so his grieving widow
and children had to be content with burying their beloved husband and
father in the backyard beside their dead hamster, Richard. 

   As things go, bad luck soon turned to good for the grieving 
family once they finally took the supposed sexual harassment case to 
the courts. There, a judge and jury ruled that the dead man was in no
way deserving of such thunderous termination, and his family was 
quickly rewarded with a multi-million dollar settlement as well as the
chance to flog their husband's murder in the town square.

   However shocked that I may be about this injustice, I'm not 
concerned with that particular case or with sexual harassment in 
general; well, at least not enough to write an entire column on the
subject. What I am concerned with is this: who gave them the 
authority to change the pronunciation of harassment? Did they take a
vote? Did they ask you and me? I mean, what kind of country do we 
live in when the very pronunciation of words is dictated to us by 
newscasters? 

   When things like this happen all I can say is that this 
country has gone to hell and redemption is nowhere in sight, but 
that's beside the point. I know why the pronunciation of harassment
changed. Why? Well, the most common and popular form of harassment
sounds suspiciously like "Her-ass-ment." This pronunciation must have
been deemed inappropriate by newscasters around the country, for it,
in the very nature of its pronunciation, trivializes the problem of 
sexual harassment. It turns the very subject into a dirty pun, a dirty
joke. 

   I can see what must have happed; late on night all of the 
newscasters in America got together to change the pronunciation of 
harassment in order to end the trivialization of the subject. From
that point on, "Her-ass-ment" would now be "Harris-ment" (Notice how
now the word's focus is now on a name, Harris, most likely, the name
of some boss, you know, Mr. Harris, and exactly what he "meant" with
what he said and with what he did. Do you see it? Do you see?) 	

   Unfortunately, this trend continued to march its way through
the dictionary, but do not fear loyal Websterians, you have a 
champion, a word that is beyond change, a word that is beyond 
defilement. And what is that word you ask? Well, I'll tell you; that
word is Uranus. 

   Seems late one night all the school marms in America got 
together to discuss what to do with this horrible, horrible word.
Even with all of the Ritalin they were forcing down the throats of
once rambunctious boys, they could not stop the tiny terrors from 
shouting out, "Your-Anus." So, in a moment of forced inspiration,
they decided to change the pronunciation of "Your-Anus" to the 
equally offensive "Urine-Us." As you can easily tell, they failed in
their efforts. Praise be to the school marms and their infinite 
wisdom. Next time they work themselves up into a tissy maybe they 
should consider taking some of that Ritalin they've been pushing.
 
  To end it all up though, I say this: "Long Live Your Anus" 
or "Long Live Urine-Us!" I really can't decide, but at least I have
a choice. After all, it's a free country.

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