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The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50"

"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!!!"

"So??? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.

So I told her, "The difference is . . . .

My wife will do it for only $35."

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The little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet" said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. He goes to feed the chickens and he kicks the chicken. He goes to feed the cows and kicks the cow. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks the pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" he asks. "Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he further protests.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chickens, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk."

His father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirinand go to bed. She told hime there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband covorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action" she was offering. Maybe he knew it was her . . .

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they took care of business. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you . . . the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the protective husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it:

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be dammed if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the sore there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its like crazy without relenting. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was still ringing - when I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

The phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she was wanting to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And I TOLD HER!!!"

DAIRY OF A MAD VIAGRA HOUSEWIFE

Submitted by iVillager Kathy M.

DEAR DIARY:

Day 1

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact out wedding night, HE looked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doen't he tell me something I DON"T know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dys functional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! there's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work: I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift soemthing other than his mood.)

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended.) Yesterday at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterda, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as weedwhacker.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And, to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?

Day 11

The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branagh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 12

I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Balck & Deacker.

Day 13

I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous!" - - and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14

Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! it's like going to bed with a acud missle. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

Day 15

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

Day 16

I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.