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BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!!

It was a sunny Saturday Morning at the local golf course and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his shot - when a booming voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

"Would the Gentleman on the Ladies Tee, kindly backy up and hit from the men's tee!"

Joe ignored the interruption, and continued his routine when . . .

Once again came the announcement: "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee, kindly back up and hit from the men's tee!"

This time, Joe couldn't ignore it.

He shouted back: "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Cares, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placify, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deleiver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajoie, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snozzle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, cry, knead, purse, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked.

Have you ever noticed . . . Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

* George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

* Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

* Rita Rudner

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

* Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

* Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

* Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

* Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

* Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

* Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

* George Gobel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

* Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

* A. Whitney Brown

Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself.

* Mark Twain

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

* Jim Carrey

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

* Sue Murphy

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

* Lily Tomlin

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

* Jerry Seinfeld

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

* Marilyn Pittman

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying. but when God talks to us we're schizonphrenic?

* Lily Tomlin

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that soemone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

* Robin Williams

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thin is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

* Jerry Seinfeld

THIS ONE IS KINDA OLD, BUT IT IS CUTE.

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and an unknown number of hares.

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EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS . . .

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawer in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it?

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water? it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.