At least once a day everyday for the next two months, Claude thought about what Tante Mattie had suggested that night in his room. None of the other Guild members suspected a thing, as Claude, like them, was very good at hiding things and keeping secrets. That was the main reason why none of them knew years ago. He hid the truth from them and did it very well. The only one who knew anything was out of the ordinary was Tante Mattie, who gave him pointed looks every so often, as if to remind him to talk to her when he needed to.
Finally one evening he took her up on the offer.
The Guild had decided over lunch that day to rent some movies. As usual, Claude told the others that whatever they chose would be fine with him. He realized later he should have helped them pick, because when Mercy and Bella Donna came back with the videos, Claude could have cried. They returned with Moulin Rouge, Armageddon and Tango & Cash.
Claude sat through all three movies, thinking the whole time of the irony of the situation. He watched his friends' reactions to the beautiful men and women in the movies and sighed, wishing he was normal. Although he said nothing, Claude was more inclined to agree with the girls in the Guild than the guys.
As soon as the last movie was over, Claude got up and made his escape, glad to get out of the living room, where the others were getting out the monopoly game.
"Don' you wan' play, Claude?" Genard asked, seeing him trying to get out of the room.
"Nah you guys have fun. I'm tired." Claude replied as lightly as he could. "Gon' go keep Tante company for a little while an' den go to bed."
"Okay..."
Claude escaped up the stairs and walked down the hall to Tante Mattie's room. The door was open. He knocked lightly on it as he stuck his head in. "Tante Mattie?"
Mattie was sitting on her bed, leaning against the headboard, rolls of yarn around her. She was knitting a sweater to send up to Remy in New York. "Ah...come in, chil'. Are de movies over?"
Claude shut the door after he entered the room. "Yeah..." He sat down on the bed and absently rolled up an unrolled ball of yarn. "Why can' I be normal?"
Mattie shook her head in confusion. "I'm not sure I follow..."
"Okay tell me somethin' den. Who do you t'ink, in your own opinion as a woman, is better lookin', Nicole Kidman or Kurt Russell?"
"Nicole Kidman is a beautiful woman, Claude. Ask anyone on de planet wit' eyes an' dey'll tell you de same t'ing. But as a woman, I'd have to pick Kurt Russell. He's a very attractive man. Especailly in dat movie. Why do you ask?"
Claude sighed. "Like de women downstairs right now, you picked Kurt Russell over Nicole Kidman. An' all de guys were de exact opposite. B'cause dey're normal an' I'm not. I'm jus' glad none of dem asked me my opinion, b'cause dey woulda been surprised by my answer. So I repeat, why can' I be normal?"
"But you are normal, Claude. You're normal for you. If everybody in de world t'ought an' felt de same way all de time, it would be a very borin' planet to live on. You should not be ashamed for bein' diff'rent den most people. In fact, you should be proud if it." Mattie explained thoughtfully. "I might be Catholic, but I never could figure out why sexual orientation was such a big deal. Not everyone can be de same."
"Mos' people are, t'ough. Mos' men prefer women an' most women prefer men, but I'm not like dat. An' if I wasn' me an' actually had a normal life instead of bein' in dis Guild maybe it wouldn' be such a big deal." Claude sighed. "But I am in dis Guild an' I don' wan' lose dat. Dat's what makes it so hard...."
"Chil', would you tell me somethin'?" Mattie asked.
"If I can..."
"Dey're your fam'ly...your best friends. Why can' you tell dem? Even if you didn' feel comfortable talkin' to de guys 'bout it, why not de girls? Dey'd more willin' to listen den you might t'ink, y'know."
"I don' know...Scared dey'll look at me diff'rently I guess. Scared dey'll tell de guys an' I'll end up bein' kicked out."
Mattie smiled sympathetically at him. "I'm goin' to suggest somethin'. If you don' tell anyone else, tell Mercy. It'll make you feel better to have someone other den me to talk to, an' she might be able to help you more'n I can."
"Yeah..."
Three hours later, as Claude was laying on his bed, thinking about Tante Mattie's suggestion, he heard a knock at his door. Instinctively he knew it was Mercy and he sighed. Somehow, he knew Mattie had told his friend that he wanted to talk to her. "Tante Mattie...why are you doin' dis to me?" He asked her in thought.
The healer chuckled in response. "B'cause you won' do it for yourself." She replied candidly. "Now get it over wit' an' tell her b'fore I d'cide to do it for you."
"Yes ma'am." Claude replied. Aloud he said, "Come on in, Merce."
Mercy flashed him a bright smile as she shut the door behind her and sat at his desk, her long blonde ponytail swinging over her shoulder. "You missed a great game. Gris-Gris is sulkin' now b'cause Emil beat him."
"Not in de mood for monopoly..." Claude shrugged.
Mercy nodded. "So...what's up? Tante Mattie said you have somethin' to get off your chest, but she wouldn' say what it is. It's not bad is it?"
"Dat d'pends on your definition." Claude said with a slight chuckle. "I'm sure some people 'round here would t'ink it's a bad t'ing...Mercy what do you t'ink is normal?"
"In what context?" Mercy asked, frowning. "Normal is diff'rent for diff'rent people."
"Do you b'lieve dat?" Claude pressed.
"Yes of course. Not everyone can be de same. What's normal for some people isn't normal for others. It d'pends on de people. If you t'ink 'bout it, everythin' we Guild members do is normal for us, but it ain' normal for de majority of de rest of de world. What're you gettin' at, anyway?"
"I'm sorry, Mercy. Jus'...been hidin' a secret for a long time...an' now Tante Mattie seems to t'ink it's high time I tell someone other dan her. De t'ought of admittin' it scares me...b'cause as far as I can tell it ain' normal."
"Well why don' you tell me what it is an' let me be de judge of whether I t'ink it's normal or not?" Mercy suggested.
"..." Claude hesitated.
"Oh c'mon. It can' be dat bad." Mercy prompted, exasperated.
"You'd be surprised at how bad it could be." Claude muttered. "To be difficult an' put it as round-about as possible, if I was given de choice of Nicole Kidman an' Kurt Russell, I'd pick Kurt over Nicole anyday. Don' get me wrong, Nicole's a beautiful woman, but..."
Mercy blinked. "Oh Claude..." She smiled. "Now I can see why you'd hesitate to tell anyone...especially de guys. But it ain' a sin, an' no wonder you were so quiet durin' Tango & Cash...I'm sorry..."
"Don' be sorry Merce. It's a good movie." He raised an eyebrow and laughed. "A very good movie. But you have no idea how weird it is to be a man sittin' in a room wit' a bunch of people watchin' movies an' realize when you listen to dem discussin' how hot diff'rent actors an' actresses are dat you agree more wit' de women dan de men." He sighed. "I can' help bein' de way I am anymore'n Remy can help bein' a mutant...."
"An' as far as I'm concerned, nothin's changed. You know me, Claude. I've always accepted Remy even t'ough he was diff'rent, even when no one else did...includin' you...an' I don' t'ink any diff'rently 'bout you now dat I know you're gay. To me, you're still de same ol' Claude I grew up wit' an' love like a brother." Mercy assured him. "But you prob'ly should have a little talk wit' Remy..."
A sad look crossed Claude's face. "I know. He's comin' down in de mornin', ain' he?"
"Yeah. An' don' worry...I won' spill your secret. It's not my place to tell any of de others 'bout dis. Only you can do dat, when you're ready to. But I'll be here for moral support if you need it, when de time comes for dat, okay?"
"T'anks Mercy. Not jus' for dat but for everythin'. You don' know what it means to me..."
"Sure I do." Mercy hugged him and left the room.
Early the next morning, Claude got up and headed to the kitchen. None of the others were awake yet, having spent most of the night up playing cards and talking. When Claude arrived in the kitchen, he found Remy already there, sitting at the table across from Tante Mattie, talking over coffee.
"Mornin'..." Claude said as he walked over to the cupboard and got himself a mug. He poured some coffee and joined them at the table.
"Good mornin', Claude. Did you sleep well?" Mattie asked.
"Ehh...not really. Got stuff on my mind...." He replied. "Uh Tante, do you mind if I talk to Remy in private for a few minutes?"
"Of course, go ahead. I have to get started on de housework anyway." Mattie replied, knowing what it was he wanted to discuss with the Guild patriarch. She gave him an encouraging smile as she left them alone, closing the kitchen door on her way out to give them some peace.
"Remy..." Claude began. "I...I'm sorry."
Remy's red-on-black eyes blinked at Claude curiously. "Sorry? What are you talkin' 'bout? You got nothin' to be sorry for Claude."
"Yes I do." Claude told him. "I've been a huge hypocrite mos' of de time I've known you an' it's time I make t'ings right. Derefore, I'm sorry."
"Okay, let's say I give in an' agree you got somethin' to be sorry for." Remy said. "What is it you feel you've done wrong dat d'serves to be apologized for?"
"How 'bout everythin'?" Claude gave a half-hearted smile. "Remy you know yourself how de majority of de Guild shunned you an' treated you like an outsider an' a freak from de moment you came into our lives, jus' b'cause you're a mutant...jus' b'cause you're diff'rent."
"Yeah, I know. But what's dat got to do wit' anythin'?"
"I treated you de same way, 'member? For de same reasons. Meanwhile I was denyin' to myself how I was...pretendin' to be like everyone else in de Guild in de hopes dat my own diff'rences would jus' go away if I ignored dem." Claude sighed. "But dey didn', an' I couldn' stop de charade. Still can', really, b'cause I'm scared to. None of us had any right to treat you de way we did, but I especially didn', b'cause I'm diff'rent from dem too. I can' take any of it back, but I wish I could...wish I'd been like Mercy, Henri, Jean-Luc, Tante Mattie, Emil an' Etienne an' stood up for you instead of sidin' wit' everyone else."
"What are you scared of, Claude? I've never known you to be scared of anyone or anythin' for as long as we've known each other." Remy said.
"What am I scared of? Heh...how 'bout bein' rejected, bein' kicked outta de Guild, an' bein' treated like you were...?" Claude laughed bitterly. "Mercy knows de truth an' so does Tante Mattie, an' neither of dem feel any diff'rent towards me, but dat ain' sayin' anythin' for de rest of dem..."
"Claude..."
"Y'know, I wish it was as simple as me bein' a mutant too...like bein' a telepath or somethin' dat didn' change how I look. But it ain' dat simple."
"For cryin' out loud, Claude, tell me...what're you so afraid to tell everyone?" Remy demanded.
"Remy I'm gay."
"Is dat it?" Remy asked.
Claude blinked twice and tilted his head. "Uhm yeah...but...Remy...didn' you hear me...?"
"Oh I heard you. I jus' don' see what de big deal is. Not like you said you've got a life-threatenin' disease or somethin'." Remy elaborated. "I can see why you'd be uncomfortable, bein' in such close quarters wit' everyone here, but it's really not a huge deal. I accept your apology, by de way...now dat I can see why you made it in de first place..."
Claude sighed with relief. "You don' hate me...?"
"Of course not." Remy laughed. "But you mus' be goin' nuts 'round here..."
"Oh jus' a little..." Claude admitted. "It's rather hard to be here wit' dese guys, feelin' de way I do an' not bein' able to do anythin' 'bout it..."
"Would you if you could?" Curiosity got the better of Remy and he had to ask.
"Mostly...non."
"Why not?"
"Well aside from de obvious reason dat as far as I can tell dey're all straight as arrows, I jus'..." Claude laughed. "Okay. If I went after you, Bella Donna an' Rogue would kill me an' Mercy would help dem. Gris-Gris is jus' too scary for words. Questa's insane an' I have a hard enough time dealin' wit' him as it is. I don' quite know what to make of Fifolet yet, but still. As for Genard an' Emil...dey're my kid brothers. An' Theoren's my best friend. De point I'm makin' is, it wouldn' work out with any of dem for obvious reasons."
"You like Theoren t'ough, don' you." Remy commented, having picked up on the way Claude's voice changed when he mentioned his best friend.
"At least Tante Mattie didn' come out an' say dat when she caught de same vibe two months ago." Claude griped. "Yeah I do. How dumb is dat? He's my best friend an' he'd never go for it. I'm outta luck in dat department. But at least no one can stop me from dreamin'."
A little while later, after Remy left with Emil and Mercy to go to the mall, Claude was back up in his room, laying on his bed and daydreaming. He was glad Remy hadn't asked him why he didn' know what to make of Fifolet, because truth be told, Theoren wasn't the only one who'd caught Claude's attention, and Claude didn't want to admit it to anyone but himself. It was bad enough both Remy and Tante Mattie had picked up on his feelings for Theoren, but those feelings could easily be suppressed for the sake of keeping his friendship with Theoren firmly in tact. But Fifolet...
Claude had to be careful and he knew it. Fifolet was a professional assassin, albeit a very handsome one, and could kill Claude in a heartbeat if he felt the desire to do so. That was why Claude didn't want anybody knowing that most of his dreams were of the myserious, long-haired man. The very thought of being with the assassin sent shivers throughout his entire body, and he was powerless to stop them. Usually when he was alone, he didn't bother trying to stop them, instead letting himself feel what he was feeling. Logic dictated that there was a chance his daydreams were as close to the real thing as he was ever going to get, so it made sense to indulge in his fantasies from time to time. It made the day-by-day routine in the safehouse more bearable.