Welcome to Alotta Schemeworx, my travelling one-man fundraiser. I haven’t exactly figured out who I’m going to donate my proceeds to, but I’ve got a great idea - Moshing For LifeTM - and I hope you’ll support me with a sponsorship!

The goal of Moshing For LifeTM is simple. Travel a great distance, because AIDS fundraising is all about creating insurmountable goals, otherwise our administrators would be plum out of work. We also endeavor to send out Alotta letters, rent Alotta billboards and make Alotta T-shirts. You get the picture. Sign here and cough up the front money.

Creating a catchy marketing plan is crucial. Since the middle and upper middle class white male cycling gay target market has been saturated with the mini-vacations -oops- incredibly successfull Bike Rides, I’ve decided to go for the Youth market with Moshing For LifeTM!  Queer youth deserve to be exploited just like everyone else! I hope you’ll join me as a sponsor!

I decided to start off my tour with the Seattle Marilyn Manson/Hole concert, because I’m a dear friend of irony, and it was a full moon.

What better place to witness Hole’s talents than in Courtney Love’s home town, and that of most North American-based aliens?

Courtney was so sinceresque. Between songs, she donned flung flannel shirts, sighing, “Grunge is dead, guys.” She oughtta know.

Marilyn was resplendent, from the alien crutches drag to the various winged creations. The whole cartoon fascist number was very Killing Joke. The burning Nam June Paik crucifix? Brill!  I declare MFL '99 to be a success.

Among my expenses are:
- Roundtrip airfare via SouthWest Airlines $228.
- Roundtrip busfare , taking the 179 to downtown, with a transfer to the #8 - $2.50.
- Tickets to the concert,  $29.50 (plus a convenience fee of $7.50)
- meals $150.00
- massage therapist $150.00
- meal with massage therapist $150.00
- And even though a dear pal put me up for a few days, my attorney, George “Spooky” Megilla, required a four-star hotel room at the Ritz, due to his sinus problem. $970.32 (mini bar, $450.00)

But how, you’re asking, do we raise funds? Moshing For LifeTM participants get sponsors to provide a dollar amount per goal achieved.

Among my goals achieved at the concert were:

- hoisting over two dozen mosh pit teens where they soared above a sea of helpful hands (10 points each)

- surviving a “bombing,” cheerfully accomplished by some straight kids, who spotted me as “not a local.” A bombing is when a kid hurls him or herself directly at you in an attempt to break your neck. (20 points)

- breaking up a fist fight (30 points)

- a slight loss of hearing (no points)

- through no intentions of my own, winding up backstage and watching the tiresome opening band, only to happily get ejected onto the floor, since my ticket was actually for the third balcony. (400 points)

- but my ultimate thrill was being hoisted by a small flock of shirtless Oregon state wrestlers (they'd missed the Portland show and drove all day), who assisted me in my interpretive crowd-surfing dance during the second chorus of “Use Once & Destroy,” one of my favorites, and the theme song of my parent corporation, CarpetBaggers, Inc.

As I lay on my back, Key Arena’s skeletal ceiling grids reminded me of a similar sight, being carted out of Saint Patrick’s cathedral on a stretcher almost ten years ago. In the words of Ms. Love, “I saw God.” This time, I got it from the helpful hands of all those sweaty kids.

Assisted over the barrier by friendly immense security guys in bright yellow jackets, I stood below the stage and offered Ms. Love my middle finger, but in a punk, loving way (1000 points).  I would have spat, but the product endorsement deal with Alotta Water fell through, (minus 500) and I was parched!

We would have stayed within my strict, very carefully thought-out budget, but since I didn’t pack enough clothes, my Abercrombie & Fitch baggy pants (quite popular at the show) were shredded beyond use, and my Gucci earplugs were misplaced, so that leaves my profit margin at a whopping fourteen dollars! Hooray! Group hug!

While the San Francisco show offered more bile from both artists (and a few extra songs - thanks, Courtney!), the talent in the pit lacked the experience and pep of the Seattle team. Who knew that SF audiences who pay to see a dyke wannabe and a straight drag queen could be so homophobic. We’ve got some issues, kids.

Spirit wasn’t all that waned. Although in actuality my travel expenses amounted to two MUNI dollars, my convenience fee and other expenses total $40,000 in administrative costs. Darn.

Hardnosed activantes are already wondering about what may appear to be excessive spending.  I commend this endeavor to cleanse our cabals -oops- charitable organizations of financial abuses and come clean now with my 990: "Because I’m worth it!"

So cough it up for Moshing For LifeTM, an experience that can transform people and pockets.  I look forward to seeing you at the next Moshing For LifeTM! Our motto: AIDS is a disaster, and so is our fundraising!

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