RULES FOR DATING MY
DAUGHTER
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd
better be delivering a package, because you're
sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter
in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as
you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it
is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear
to be falling off their hips. Please don't take
this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be
fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door
with your underwear showing and your pants ten
sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
fact, come off during the course of your date
with my daughter, I will take my electric nail
gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,
sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
you.
Rule
Five: In order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other
issues of the day. Please do not do this.The only
information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely
back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a
popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it
is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will
make you cry.
Rule
Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting
for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour
goes by, do not sigh and fidget.If you want to be
on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process
that can take longer than painting the Golden
Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like changing the
oil in my car?
Rule
Eight: The following places are not appropriate
for a date with my daughter: Places where there
are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents,
policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her
throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.Old
folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and
with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind
the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It
takes very little for me to mistake the sound of
your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent
Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you
pull into the driveway you should exit your car
with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice
that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early, then return to your car- there is no need
for you to come inside.The camouflaged face at
the window is mine.
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