So the elves came back from their vacation to Cabo. Austin picked up a
taste for fine Cuban cigars and the Elf got a tan. Both of them have
been rather snooty lately, so I decided we needed to review Kill Switch,
a fine fine episode by any criteria.

[Fade in on the Metro Diner and a munch of crack dealers with one sad,
bag-of-bones computer nerd]
Bead: Oh, look, it's our fate! Too much caffeine dork!

Austin: Excuse me, that's YOUR fate. You already talk to the computer,
Miss, I can type and say what I'm typing at chat.

Elf: Are you sure your fate isn't to wander the earth talking to
yourself about your own genius?

Bead: How come this is all only MY fate?

Austin: Because we're not real. Thus it's just you yapping at the
computer and getting all dissipated and stuff.

Elf: While we remain fat, sassy, and witty.

Bead: Do I have to blow my chin off and destroy you like Ed Norton does
in Fight Club?

Elf and Austin: We'll be good.

Bead: See, that was smart. Now we can watch the Metro Diner go up like
illegal fireworks on a party boat with a monkey knife-fight!

Austin: Yay! Stuff blows up!

Elf: Kickin'! You wouldn't really blow your face off, would you, Bead?

[Mulder and Scully, while impeccably dressed, discover lots of dead
crack dealers and one dead dork. Did I mention they're IMPECCABLY
DRESSED?]
Bead: I am Jack's pleasure in good CHarc.

Elf: 1013 did a disservice to mankind by firing the Vancouver costumers.

Austin: I know. Mulder doesn't look like a lounge lizard and Scully
isn't trying to be Ally McBeal. Glory amen! And this is 2:45 AM, people!

Bead: Dude, do you think she was sleeping?

Elf: What do you think she was doing? Writing smut? Oh, wait, that's
YOUR hobby.

[Mulder steals Gelman's computer and hilarity ensues]
Austin: Mr. Mulder, do the laws of this country amuse you? Do you think
they're funny, like a clown?

Elf: Dude, those two little rascals must never get the deposit back on
their car. It's funny but not like a clown.

[The Lone Gunmen think they're inspired nerds when in fact they are
inspired geeks.]
Bead: Dude, he was a visionary who eschewed the vile servitude of
capitalism, comrade! You da MEN, boys!

Elf: Just look at them geek! They're adorable. Like the Scooby gang or
something.

Austin: But that vest? Excuse me, where did he BUY that? He looks like a
circa 1970s pimp trying to look hip.

Bead: Dude, what sort of crack email program is that? AOL gone to Hell
or something?

Austin: Screw that, look at Frohike checking Scully out like the dirty
old man he is!

Elf: And as the FBI condones computer hacking and the complete denial of
the bill of rights...

[We meet Invisigoth in the trendy, techno-fueled shipyard]
Bead: Dude, it's techno music. There must be cyberpunk around here
somewhere...

Austin: Yep, there she is. And with a TASER! Squeal like a piggy,
Mulder, that's a TASER!

Elf: And look at Scully get it twice and STILL manage to get off a
warning shot. Someone's wearing the pants in this family...

Austin: Oooh, bite me, hmmm? I bet Scully's got something you can bite.

Bead: Like her constitutional right? Pshaw.

Elf: Yeah, Honey, there is no constitution in the Carterverse.

Bead: But who cares, because stuff blew up-- AGAIN!

Elf: And Mulder is looking what we like to call hella hot.
Bead: Plus Scully looks professional and not like, a bimbo.

Austin: Screw all that. Are you ladies looking at Invisigoth? Thank you,
drive through.

[Scully's pissed, Invisigoth's cool, and Mulder is a dumbass]
Bead: Excuse me for bringing up slashy UST, but was that Scully checking
out Invisigoth in her leather?

Elf: Hey, all I know is that Scully is suffering from a testosterone
overdose. Listen to these two. It's like size queenery, except with
chicks. It amuses me.

Austin: UST, jealousy-- who cares? They're both SO hot. Scully's
crackling with Bette Davis in All About Eve level bitchery and
Invisigoth's in leather.

Bead: Don't you want more than her sex?

Elf: I just want Mulder's hair like that FOREVER.

[Invisigoth inspires some heavy breathing in the Lair of the Three
Geeks]
Austin: Dude, check the geek horniness. This is what happens when
coolness descends into geekiness.

Bead: Hey, I think Scully wants Esther Nairn to take the cuffs off with
her tongue.

Elf: Bead, next you'll tell us that Scully wants Claire Kincaid from Law
and Order and that Claire faked her death to be with Scully.

Bead: What's wrong with that?

Austin: You have been warped, you do know that?

Elf: You know, Esther kind of looks like that chick who plays Tara on
Buffy. You know, Willow's new friend, the stoned one who keeps checking
her out?

Bead: Oh, but look at Frohike! He's so cute with his geeker love.

Elf: But we need a call on Scully.

Austin: Jealous and/or horny. There you go.

[One of the coolest scenes ever... Scully wakes up in the Lair and...]
Bead: Now Scullylocks wakes up in the lair of the three geeks-- the
Bearded Geek, the Long-Haired Geek, and the little Old Troll Geek...

Elf: She looks around... where's that droid I was looking for?

Austin: She looks around-- no, we've only got The Three Little Geeks
here-- EEK!

Bead: Awww, look at the girls bond over the big surrogate phallic
symbol. And Scully's Invisigoth's muchacha. Awwww.

[When it's clear Mulder's about to do something dumb with that damn
trailer...]
Elf: Because God knows we can't have Mulder be hot and smart. That's
tempting fate.

Austin: Hmm, look at cheery little Esther and grouchy little Scully.

Bead: Well, I'd be cheery too if I'd mastered my true adversary.

Elf: Yeah, seriously. What worth adversary runs through the woods like a
girly man and drops his gun?

Austin: Girly man? Is this the part of the X-Files where we daunce?

Bead: Ooooo, I spy cuffed!Scully.

Elf: As a thousand pervs go oooooh.

Austin: Heh heh. You said cuffed.

[When you know Mulder's about to do something dumb part two...]
Bead: Look, the AI lives in a van down by the river!

Elf: Jeez, Mulder's dumb. His brain cells must have to huddle together
in clumps for warmth.

Austin: Because, gee, that's "artificial" intelligence, as compared to
Mulder with his all-natural American stupidity.

Bead: I got something you can mingle...

Austin: Yes, thank you. Do you ever fail to steal stupid catchphrases,
Bead?

Bead: Nonverbal retort, Austin.

Elf: Look, Esther loved David so much that she started going Tammy Faye
for him. Awwww.

[Mulder in Wire-Land]
Bead: Anyone who thinks Mulder deserves his fate for being a dumbass,
raise your hand.

Elf and Austin: (raise hands)

Bead: Yet his hair deserves a sigh. Mmmm. Sigh.

[Mulder in the ambulance]
Elf: Is that Pendrell?

Austin: Dude, Mulder's dreams look like a cross between a porno and a
Vincent Price movie. Loser.

Bead: Someone's repressing a dirty subconscious. Ooh ooh oooh.

[Mulder and further adventures in Porno!Nurse Land]
Elf: Um, who else thought of Mulder losing a different right one when
Nurse Nancy said that?

Austin: Damn, that's pervy.

Bead: Hey, how come everyone except Scully calls Mulder Fox?

Elf: Because these are all Mother-Substitutes and Mulder has Mommy
issues.

[Attack of the WHPBD on the Bridge of Doom]
Austin: God, the WHPBD runs like a duck. Kirby doesn't run like a duck,
does she?

Bead: I don't know. But DUDE! Check it! Something ELSE blew up! That's
like three. Excellent.

[Nurse Nancy gets all passive-agressive on Mulder's punk ass-- God I
miss the days when I could love him AND his hair]
Elf: Man, I've only seen therapy like *that* on video. And not the
polite kind.

Bead: Well, the Scully ass-kicking looks straight out of John Woo. There
ain't nothing wrong with that. Ba BAM!

Austin: I think there need to be more videos with porno nurses and
ass-kicking. It would make the world a better place.

[Esther and Scully seek out the AI in the trailer down by the river]
Bead: And see, that's why we love her! Something is beeping loud? Shoot
it!

Austin: While Mulder mewls like a little boy, Scully is making it
happen. Thank you, drive through.

Elf: Yep. Shoot first, let God sort 'em out.

Bead: Awww, look at my Scully! "No AI is gonna jack my baby into the
Matrix! No!"

Austin: Scully is so totally uncognizant of the implications of AI.
"Give me that you philosophical hacker woman! I want my MAN!"

Elf: Oh, yeah. Get there!

["You don't listen, do you?" Was that at all schmoopy?]
Bead: Duh! But Esther, it's meant to be endearing.

Elf: Hey, Bead, this makes for FOUR explosions. Is that not freaking
schweet?

Bead: It is indeed freaking schweet, but not as schweet as when Mulder
and Scully hit the car and have the hot makeup sex.

[Epilogue]
Austin: Bead, have I ever mentioned cutting off the cheesy-- "It is
still out there in the van down by the river" ending was genius?

Bead: No. But I'm proud of--

Austin: Well, think about that.

Bead: Do I have to get you out of my head?

Elf: Don't make empty threats.

Bead: (silence)

And that's a wrap.