OB: The Post-Modern Labeadqua
Labeadqua and I are having post-Termatic mourning over the loss of
Ratboy's arm, so we're just stuck on the commentary for Terma. But as PMP
is one of our favorites, we just love to sift it through the wringer for
youse.

"PMP"
Labeadqua: AKA Look at me, I'm Chris Carter, artistic horror man.
Bead: AKA look! I read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein in 10th grade English
but I remember the Boris Karloff version BETTER.

(Scene where Shaineh's watching Jerry Springer)
Labeadqua: Dude, why is the monster going after her? There are plenty of
luscious young college girls who watch Jerry with the same reverence.
Bead: Why do they have Mississippi accents in Indiana?
Labeadqua: Well, this show, Miss Beady, is written by California and
Massachussetts hippays. They think that if you don't live in a place with
a Starbucks, a sushi bar, one of them new wrap shops, and the Body Shop,
you're a hick. And hicks, as we all know, watch Jerry Springer and talk
like they're Bill Clinton and lust after their cousins.
Bead: Hippies suck.

(Scully interrogates Shaineh)
Labeadqua: See. Scully thinks Shaineh is a hick. And a stupid one.
Bead: Mulder likes these people because they believe anything they see on
television is possible-- just like him.
Labeadqua: Except for pro-wrestling, because even the hillbillies know
that's rigged.
Bead: Pro Wrestling is rigged?

("Is there anything you don't believe in, Mulder?")
Labeadqua: True love.
Bead: The possibility that I'll get laid this season.
Labeadqua: That your hair color is real.
Bead: Pro-Wrestling.
Labeadqua: The fights on Jerry Springer.
Bead: Magic-- no, wait. He believes that if he claps really hard,
Tinkerbell will come back.

(We meet Dr. Pollidori)
Labeadqua: Hello, Mr. Peterman.
Bead: Everyone knows that already.
Labeadqua: Well, do they know Pollidori is a reference to the original
writing of Frankenstein, as Polidori, Lord Byron, Percy Shelley and Mary
Shelley were spending a summer in Switzerland and they all challenged each
other to tell ghost stories. The Frankenstein story, written by
19-year-old Mary, daughter of proto-uber feminist Mary Wollstonecraft, was
the only one of those stories finished.
Bead: . . .
Labeadqua: Doin' her research, knowing her stuff, it's Labeadqua. Yeah.

(The Pollidori residence)
Bead: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas-- if it's the 19th
century and you're a freak.
Labeadqua: Someone needs to get a life.
Bead: Someone needs to throw off the chains of opression, patriarchy, and
male domination. Like, would you want J. Peterman's baby?
Labeadqua: Ew.

(JJ's Diner)
Bead: Welcome to J.J.'s Country Diner.
Labeadqua: If you're a displaced redneck, you'll be at home here.
Bead: If you lost your way from the local sideshow and the two bits the
kind circus master gave you fer bein' gandered at fell out of your pocket,
we are here for you.
Labeadqua: If you're studly FBI types who'll bring Jerry Springer to town,
we'll sacrifice our firstborns to you.
Bead: And if you're a normal Middle American-- well, what the hell are you
doing in Chris Carter's universe? Run away before you're murdered!
Labeadqua: Amen.

(Mulder and Scully find the tented residence)
Bead: Hi, I'm an MD and an Oxford-educated psychologist. We've been FBI
agents for a long time. However, we don't have sense enough to realize
inhaling smoke of any sort is NOT INTELLIGENT!
Labeadqua: Attention X-Files agents: the white gas isn't of the good.
Avoid the white gas...

(Mulder and Scully wake up)
Bead (as Mulder): Dude, I haven't had a hangover this bad since I drank
all that Jaeger in college.
Labeadqua (as Scully): Peterman, where's your advil?
Bead: You know, this show is so written by men. Hi, only on X-Files could
a frat boy antic/crime make a woman perk up.
Labeadqua: Yes, I am CC, and I've got absolutely no insight into women!

(J.J.'s turns on Mulder)
Bead: Didn't Mulder ever see Deliverance? When hicks go bad, they go
reallllll bad.
Labeadqua: That may not be a place you want to burn a guy, so good thing
I'm a mandroid.
Bead: Look! Look! A mob!
Labeadqua: That can't be good.
Bead: Look! Look! The mob has lost all intelligence!
Labeadqua: What was there to lose?
Bead: Look! Look! Mom's kicking ass and taking names!
Labeadqua: Go Mom, go Mom, it's your birthday, it's your birthday.

(Peterman's mob goes after the farm)
Bead: Torches. I didn't realize that they were aware of how fire worked.
Labeadqua: I tell you what, they got one of them clapper firestarters.
Clap on, clap off.
Bead: Did I mention that Chris Carter has obviously never actually been to
the Midwest?
Labeadqua: Did we mention he's a long-haired hippy who never got over the
fact hippies are no longer cool?
Bead: Look! They set the barn afire!
Labeadqua: Think the fire will be in color, like in Pleasantville?

(Mutato is revealed)
Bead: Come on Scully, pull off the Scooby-Doo mask.
Labeadqua: Yoink!
Bead: Oh, my God! It's Agent Spender! Agent Jeffrey Spender!
Labeadqua: What on earth is Chris Owens doing for Chris Carter? I want to
know. Is he the only Vancouver actor left who will work for the man or
something?
Bead: Awww. They love the monster now.
Labeadqua: Awww. They're going to sell him to Jerry Springer's travelling
sideshow and throw peanuts at him when it comes to town.
Bead: And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those
meddling FBI agents.

(In the kitchen, with Mulder griping about the ending of the story.)
Bead: Mulder is a crack-smoking, dope-dealing, Cliff-Notes Reading moron.
The monster doesn't go to search for a BRIDE!
Labeadqua: Doesn't he take Victor Frankenstein's body and go to set
himself and his dead creator afire at the North Pole?
Bead: Apparently not in the Kenneth Branagh or Boris Karloff versions.
Labeadqua: Well, let's see... sounds like Cher.
Bead: Sounds like someone got into the good crack.
Labeadqua: Oh look! Mulder and Scully at the local cabaret.
Bead: High-five to the Mutato man. And look at Mulder.
Labeadqua: Dance! Dance! Dance! It's so happy!
Bead: Yeah. I feel vaguely nauseous.
Labeadqua: You're a misery chick. Can't you be happy? They're happy.
Scully's even grinning.
Bead: Yeah. Get me a barf bag.

And Carter's pretentious name appears..... 

Hi. Labeadqua is not in the best mood. She says that I'm an evil little
Bead because I agreed to write a sequel to "Pretty Fly for a White Guy"
where our Hero (Spender) gets all sorts of attention from the girl
(Scully). So if she's acidic tonight, it's because she thinks I've sold
out.

Never Again
by Morgan and Wong

Bead: God I love Morgan and Wong.
Labeadqua: So what if they grew up in the same suburb as you? Morgan and
Wong write television shows. What about you? You write Spender/Scully
smut. You sell your principles for a little fun.
Bead: I didn't sell them! I traded them for a new "Momentary Lapses"
piece. And what does that have to do with loving Morgan and Wong?

[Teaser with Ed Jerse]
Labeadqua: Oooh, yeah. Give me a piece of Ed and don't spare the tasty!
Bead: Poor Ed. He reminds me of Good Angel at this point.
Labeadqua: As in, pity me, I'm a totally hot guy but I have deep misery
and I have to worry continually about my hair and for some reason this
appeals to women.
Bead: Would you be interested in *talking* to Ed, Labeadqua?
Labeadqua: Point taken.

[The tattoo starts talking]
Bead: All right, so Jodie Foster is the tattoo, yes?
Labeadqua: Yes. So what do you think that's significant of?
Bead: The fact Scully is largely similar to Clarice Starling of Silence of
the Lambs?
Labeadqua: Possibly the fact psychos always do it for Jodie Foster?

[Mulder, Scully, and Russian man]
Bead: If Mulder were any more of a blank-hole in this episode, he would
just implode from sheer--
Labeadqua: Hmm. Scully's not paying attention. She looks like she's all
upset about stuff. Could there be something WRONG, Mulder?
Bead: Yes. She's not paying enough attention to HIS needs.
Labeadqua: And then the question the OBSSE would like remediated and is
willing to go violent over-- why don't I have a desk?
Bead: Well, Scully, once upon a time there was a man named Chris Carter
who created a doppleganger named Mulder and you for opposition. Chris
Carter figured that you would never be as popular as Mulder, and
therefore, your place in the hierarchy was less. Besides, you're a chick,
you can go hang with the secretarial pool.
Labeadqua: And once upon a time, Roddenberry thought the same thing about
a fellow named Spock.

[Scully meets Ed]
Bead: See, Scully, when you do what Mulder says, you'll get rewarded.
Labeadqua: You think nearly getting killed by a psycho is a reward?
Bead: No, that's her punishment for having sex. For obeying Mulder, she
got the sex.
Labeadqua: Sick and wrong!

[Scully goes out with Ed]
Bead: Take me to the crummy bar.
Labeadqua: Bring out the handcuffs!
Bead: SHH!
Labeadqua: You mean this isn't the episode with the handcuffs?
Bead: Shhhhhhhhh before someone realizes and I have to spoiler warning!
Labeadqua: Oh. Okay. Hmmm. This is Scully, wild and crazy. God, and I
thought your wild side was lame, Beadslut.
Bead: For a radical wild night against her typical personality, this is
kind of lame. Ooh, she had drinks at a naughty bar. Ooh, she got a tattoo.
Ooh, she got laid.
Labeadqua: I know. If I were going to show Scully like, totally going
crazy, I'd be so much better than this. She would totally start by
slamming those drinks, none of this yuppy crap, she'd be going out with
Spike from Buffy or one of his ken.
Bead: Yeah. Scully needs to stop having this one-night dates with yuppies.
Get her a burly fireman, you know, the type with lots of muscles who
doesn't want to talk. And Spike/Scully has its merits....

[The controversial scene]
Labeadqua: Oh, yes. From the look on their faces, they're going to be
content simply to make out.
Bead: Oh, yes. That look in her eyes is the one of a girl who doesn't go
all the way.
Labeadqua: Yeah, she could never have wild sex with Ed anyway because
she's a virgin who's waiting for our dear Sean to come of age.
Bead: That's right, Labeadqua. They restrained their wild passions.
Labeadqua: Completely, Beadslut. After a fun session of petting in which
Scully's pantyhose neglected to come off, Ed told Scully she was too drunk
to hook up with and put her to bed.
Bead: Exactly, Labeadqua. Now, just between you and me--
Labeadqua: Anyone who thinks they didn't has been brainwashed by Sean. On
the floor, against the wall, on the bed....

[Ed goes psycho]
Bead: And now Ed is Bad Angel.
Labeadqua: So why isn't there more leather?
Bead: Because Ed isn't trying to attract Xander on the sly.
Labeadqua: Bad Angel is after Xander?
Bead: Oh good god, yes! You know what's sad?
Labeadqua: What?
Bead: I would rather have Bad Angel or Psycho Ed. They don't whine quite
so much.

[Scully saves herself]
Labeadqua: Now turn him back into Good Ed and then send him to hell with
your big sword, Scully the Psycho Slayer.
Bead: Get control of your life! Buy a day-planner!
Labeadqua: Or stick that arm in the fire! Whatever works for you!
Bead: Scully, didn't you ever learn the rules?
Labeadqua: Scully? A Rules girl?
Bead: (screams in horror)

[Back in the office]
Labeadqua: I'm Mulder, the insensitive Lord of the Universe. And clever as
can be-- a world record, appearing in the X-Files twice! Let me just get
some salt for that wound... 
Bead: Dumb-ass! Dumbass!
Labeadqua: It's all about me! Me! ME!
Bead: Hmm. Do you think this is Scully's "get over it" speech to Mulder or
Autumn?
Labeadqua: Split the difference and say both.
Bead: Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my lame life.
Labeadqua: Which you've managed to bleep up pretty severely.
Bead: Yeah. Other women take the night off and end up with regret and
hangovers. I take the night off and have to fight psychos who play with
fire. Not to mention I'm dying of cancer.
Labeadqua: Not to mention that Beadslut just wrote me totally debasing
myself for SPENDER.
Bead: Go to hell, Labeadqua.
Labeadqua: We might already be there, Beadslut....

Yeah, and we fade to black again.

Memento Labeadqua

[Scully's opening soliloquy]
Labeadqua: Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson, we have a PDG alert.
Philosophical Dead Guy speech ahead!
Bead: Show Gillian the Emmy now, because baby, it doesn't get any better
than this.
Labeadqua: Once upon a time, I was a normal person, Mulder. Then I met you
and my life went to hell. Conventionally. But I never realized that
despite the fact I haven't gotten sex in-- one episode-- I love my life.
And you. And I don't want to die.
Bead: (long sappy girly sigh)

["I Have Cancer"]
Labeadqua: That's it. Just play "The power of love" the whole episode,
because that's what it's all about. People who love each other.
Bead: [sniff! sniff!] That's right, Mulder! About god-damned timed you got
this kick in the ass! You can't do it without her!
Labeadqua: Yeah! Now let's go talk to the female abductees!

[Betsy's House]
Bead: I bet MUFON has bitchin' keggers.
Labeadqua: Yeah, they're probably the most fun drunks in the universe.
"Hey, John! Remember the time Big Grey, you, and me were in that sensory
deprivation tank and someone inserted that chip in me? Check it out! Makes
an AWESOME nose ring."
Bead: Look, Scully! Everyone hides potentially groundshaking proof of UFOs
and abductions in the basement, just like we do!
Labeadqua: You know what? I don't trust Kurt Crawford. Any of him. He's
got his own agenda.

[Scully gets nosebleed]
Bead: Okay, this makes sense, her having brain cancer and all, but she
coughs a lot too. I mean, I suppose that could just be a general cancer
symptom but she's not the guy who smokes too many cigarettes...
Labeadqua: Mulder is *such* a dumb-ass. He trusts ANYONE! My God, he's
even trusted the Cancerman. He's like a stupid dog who'll follow anyone
with a nice meaty bone.
Bead: Which would explain the whole Krycek issue.

[Scully denies her abduction]
Labeadqua: For the last time, I don't remember where I was, Mulder! Nor
how I got on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Bead: I think-- I think-- I was partying with the mighty Chewbacc. Yes.
That's where I disappeared to for three months. I was helping George Lucas
create Episode One: The Phantom Menace.
Labeadqua: Who the HELL wants to party with Chewy when you could part with
Han Solo? Beadslut, be sensible.

[Penny recognizes Scully]
Bead: I'm sorry, I'd be creeped by Penny Northern. 'I held you in THE
PLACE' we were all buddies when the wicked men let us be. You just don't
remember because you're in denial, but we all sang Kumbaya and Swing Lo
Sweet Chariot together.'
Labeadqua: You know, Mulder should take paranoia lessons from you. Who
don't you trust in this episode?
Bead: Kurt Crawford, Dr. Scanlon, Penny I think is okay but just-- you
know WHY I think Scully was allowed visitors?
Labeadqua: Because she's a player?
Bead: Because she's a player.

[Mrs. Scully reams her girl]
Labeadqua: Yeah. If I were this girl's mother, her butt would be in a
sling.
Bead: You ALWAYS tell your mom first. ALWAYS. Rule of life.
Labeadqua: Look who's a momma's girl! Just because you and your mom get
along really well doesn't mean everyone blabs about their lives as
Beadslutted slash writers to the maternal unit.
Bead: Shush, we're talking about Mrs. Scully, not my mom. Scully should
have told her. Hey, do you think she looks like my mom?
Labeadqua: Scully? No.
Bead: No, my mom bears a resemblance to a 40-year-old Mrs. Scully.
Labeadqua: Your mom's not 40 yet, Bead, and if she ever finds out you've
been talking about her age, she's gonna ream you just like Maggie's doing
to Dana, then she'll give you a big hug and ask you questions like you're
the wise one. And your mom doesn't look like her. She looks like Sigourney
Weaver.

[Mulder magically finds the password]
Bead: When did Mulder turn psychic?
Labeadqua: When plot points go bad. Next week on FOX!
Bead: He is such a trusting lameoid! I mean, I am seriously giving him the
pointage for ultimate true love and partnership and willingness to go to
the next level for Scully, but he's just too trusting. It's just wrong.

[Scully has bad dreams]
Labeadqua: The big drill came and it freaked me out. Sculleeee!
Bead: Penny creeps me. I'm sorry. Maybe she is in on it.
Labeadqua: Look, you're just upset because Scully is weak and needs
comfort and it makes you feel bizarre because you are too young to realize
human frailty. You have the adolescent belief that you're immortal. Guess
what. You, too, shall die. Memento Mori.
Bead: Since when did you become my therapist?

[Skinner, Mulder, and discussing the Cancerman]
Labeadqua: Skinner so loves Scully, too. It's so sweet, even if he'll
never get a shot.
Bead: Love will save the day. I believe! I believe!
Labeadqua: Yeah, Skinner, tell Mulder. Don't deal with the Dark Side,
Luke! Resist your anger!

[Welcome to Casa de Gunmen, home of all that is technologically cool and
illegal]
Bead: We can hack it, we can sack it, we can poach it, we can roach it. We
are the Lone Gunmen.
Labeadqua: And then they do the Three Amigos stance.
Bead: Yeah, they are kind of like the Three Amigos.

[Skinner Sells His Soul]
Labeadqua: Such a noble man, Skinner.
Bead: Yeah. Scully's life is a really noble price for your soul.
Labeadqua: Oh, you know he wants to bitch-slap the Cancerman, you know he
does.
Bead: What will it take?
Labeadqua: For Scully's life? Oh, I could come up with a whole list.
Couldn't you?

[Mulder infiltrates Allentown]
Bead: Yeeow! Let's say this episode was crap, instead of being one of the
finest hours of television ever. I would still be all good with it for All
In Black, Funky Poaching Mulder.
Labeadqua: As long as he's All In Black, Funky Poaching, I Do It For
Scully because she's my Guenevere and I'm doing my best Lancelot
Impression Mulder.
Bead: I told you Scanlon was a bad man.

[Scully's barren]
Labeadqua: You know, she should have been PISSED. I would be so upset.
Bead: See, this is proof of total male selective blindness. You don't just
throw something like this out there and let it hang until you're like,
hmm, we need something to torture Scully with, let's go back to the kid
issue.
Labeadqua: Why is Chris Carter so wrong-haired and jerky, Bead?
Bead: I don't know, Labeadqua, I don't know.

[Cut to the Hallway Scene]
Labeadqua: All right, barring the tremendous symbolism that Mulder's all
in black, has just braved virtual hell for Scully, all in white, the angel
of mercy at Penny's side, what else rules about this scene?
Bead: The deep and abiding love?
Labeadqua: The fighting Scully spirit that says, "I ain't goin out like
that, bitches?"
Bead: The forehead kiss?
Labeadqua: The acceptance of total true and courtly love that just makes
this scene um, completely and totally genius?
Bead: Barring PMP, which is so symbolic that I could totally write a
thesis on it, this episode is just... the total complex analysis ep.

[Final Scene]
Labeadqua: And so Anakin Skinner becomes Walter Vader.
Bead: Yeah, the Emperor and Cancerman have some similiarities. The Emperor
always cackles, Cancerman smokes.
Labeadqua: Poor Skinner. He did it for the love. And unrequited love at
that. At least Lancelot got to boink Guenevere and Mulder's at least got
Scully's love.
Bead: This is such a good episode.
Labeadqua: Yeah, show me the Emmy.
Bead: They did.
Labeadqua: Aw, yeah. All is well in the universe.

And we sign off for another evening....