The Weatherboy of Oz
As a quick Valentine's Day present to the OBSSE, the desk elves
and I decided to go after that lovely episode with Valentine's Day
in it: Rain King. Now, Austin Beadslut, International Desk Elf of
Mystery thinks that I may be harsh as I did NOT like this one. And
"That Elf I did not have sexual relations with" says, "You go,
Bead." So, without any further ado...
(Teaser datestamp comes up)
Bead: They say it's my birthday… na na na na na--
Elf: Are you going to ever let that die, Bead? We know, you're
having a birthday. You're getting older. Parts of you will soon sag.
Austin: You're a nasty little wanker, aren't you?"
Bead: Kroner, Kansas. What a crappy place to spend my birthday.
Elf: Oh, look, it's that annoying woman from SNL.
Austin: And it's Holman Hardt, the Weatherboy of Oz.
Bead: I love his name, it's so SUBTLE. "Whole Man" "Heart".
Elf: It's a name that oozes double entendre.
(Darryl enters)
Austin: oh, yeah, baby! He's worth going on Jerry for!
Elf: Excuse me?
Austin: Well, haven't you ever noticed that the women on Jerry
Springer always are fighting over little, insignificant men?
Bead: Note that Darryl's last name is Mootz. Perhaps CC has been
reading Dickens.
Austin: What?
Elf: She means that all the names are clues to personalities in
this episode. Darryl is a Mooch. Holman is a whole man. It's about
as deep as character development goes this time through.
Bead: He dumped her on Valentine's Day! On a scale of 1 to Mulder on
the punk scale, that's a "Mulder in Herrenvolk" maneuver.
Austin: But note, as fits a classic Victorian morality tale, he gets
what's coming to him.
Elf: If this gets any more telegraphed, I think I'm going to vomit.
Bead: Okay, I'll go get the barf buckets.
[Mulder and Scully land to batons and drought]
Austin: Oh, yes, let's hail the Apocalypse fighters with a baton
twirler!
Elf: They didn't even rate the high school band.
Bead: You can tell what Scully thinks of this.
Elf: "Mulder, you're on the bottom for the next month?"
Bead: "Mulder, you get to explain this one to Kersh. Twirling a
baton."
Austin: And what do you think Mulder or Scully thinks of the entire
marriage thing?
Elf: Mulder: "Jim Gilmore-- is that any relation to Happy Gilmore?"
Bead: Scully: "Lucifer's a woman who wears white and drives an ice
cream truck." Also, Mulder now owes her dinner for a week.
[Walking through town]
Austin: Gee, Mulder, don't you think it's intentional misleading to
drag your partner out to Kansas, of all the godforsaken places, all
over a local drought and a rain king who looks like the next
spokesman for Bud?
Elf: No. That's just withholding information, which he is explicitly
permitted to do when he gets a hangnail.
Bead: Pray for Rain? I don't pray for rain. I don't even like it when
the temperature drops below 70.
Austin: They meant pray for Jojo! Pray for Jojo.
Elf: Visit the Shack! https://members.tripod.com/~j_stoy/shack.html.
(shudders) Ewww. I feel so dirty.
[Inside the Rain King's "swank" office]
Bead: Look, it's Cindy Brady!
Austin: She got tired of being third fiddle, so she and Kitty
Carry-All decided to hit the road and hook up with that hot piece
of man-lovin, Darryl Mootz.
Elf: No relation to Larry, Darryl, and Darryl, of course.
Bead: Darryl's making the rain! He's a great man!
Austin: He's his own great man.
Elf: Unlike Spud-Boy, who is now Krycek's man.
[Inside News Kroner]
Bead: What's the Dickensian style moral in Kroner?
Elf: All I can think of is Krispy Krullers or some foreign money.
Austin: Look, it's that adorable Victoria Jackson! God she was in
something-- and she was terribly annoying--
Bead: That would be everything she's in--
Elf: Is this your first time in a television studio? Why, yes, yes it
is, despite the fact Scully had a miracle baby, been abducted by aliens,
Mulder's been on a 25 year search for his sister-- this would be the
first time they've ever been in touch with the media.
Austin: Weren't the Gundersons in Fargo?
Bead: Yeah. Frances McDormand was Margie Gunderson, yah.
Elf: There's the Gundersons! Yeah, I can see how you'd make a mistake
like that.
(Mulder: It's like looking in a mirror)
Austin: Mulder, have you been wearing your contacts?
[The Rain King does his thing]
Bead: Gee, we've never been here before.
Austin: No, there are no echoes of Die Hand Die Verletz, Syzygy, Miracle
Man here at all.
Elf: Nope. We've certainly never seen an arrogant yokel do magic before
and Scully end up all wet.
Bead: Usually, however, she doesn't have to ruin her suit like that.
[The Cow Goes Splat]
Elf: Somebody has been reading the barnyard.
Austin: I doubt it. Because unlike this episode, Dark Nascent's
Barnyard *succeeds* in being funny.
Bead: Well, they've been reading SOME fanfic.
Elf: Note that it's all the bad PG-13 sort.
Austin: I think that Sheila should get 15-20 for animal homicide.
Bead: I think that we should get 15-20 dollars for reviewing this episode.
[Sheila recounts her weather-altering abilities]
Elf: She's Carrie!
Bead: But without the pig's blood.
[Skip to Holman rehearsing]
Austin: Is it just me, or are Sheila and Holman really bad stand-ins
for Mulder and Scully?
Elf: Oh dear god I hope not!
Bead: It's enough to make a girl want to jump ship.
Elf: Or jump the ship.
Austin: Talking to each other about love is like dancing about architecture.
Bead: Oh, dear. Sheila wants Mulder. That means Mulder must die.
[Holman and Mulder talking]
Austin: Mulder gets his one clue about love for his entire life, and it's
about someone else's love.
Bead: It's Scully, isn't it? You've been in love with her since she showed
you her goodies back in 1993. Admit it.
Elf: But I can't! Our emotions transcend mere sex.
Austin: A bird could love a fish, but where would they live?
Bead: Well, Mulder better figure that out or he's walking home.
Elf: Holman has got to be insane. Ask Mulder for dating advice? It's
not the blind leading the blind, it's the stupid chasing Cameron Diaz.
Austin: Well, Scully, to answer your question with a question, when
was the last time YOU had a date, either?
[The next Mulder/Holman scene]
Bead: Look! Holman has just gotten the World's Biggest Clue
Austin: Not only are you a loser, you're a good-looking loser, Mulder.
I didn't think they made those outside of Hollywood.
Elf: "Dude. You're telling me you never boinked that Agent Scully woman?
What are you, gay? Or absolutely stupid?"
Austin: "We're professionals and it's not like that!"
Elf: "Yeah. Sure, Mr. Mulder. That's why you watch her ass like that. Professional courtesy."
Bead: Oh, is that what he was extending?
Austin: Just tell her how you feel? HOW MANY YEARS HAVE WE SCREAMED
THAT AT YOU, MULDER?
Elf: I don't gaze at Scully. No. I flipping check her out. Get it
straight, Weatherboy of Oz.
[At the High School Reunion]
Bead: Again, this is STOLEN FROM FIC.
Austin: And badly.
Elf: It is just like high school-- girls can never go to the bathroom
alone. It's always in groups.
[The Conversation in the Bathroom]
Austin: You love him, don't you?
Elf: Honey, you have a lot to learn about me and Agent Mulder. The
boy is mine.
Bead: Once he latches on, he never lets go. It's like having a
large pimple on the tip of your nose.
Elf: It chases all the men away.
Austin: (still doing Sheila) You need to give it up, Ms. Scully. He's
never going to get anywhere with you.
Bead: That's fine with me because I don't want anywhere. I want the
bedroom.
Elf: Yeah, one morning you just wake up and realize, hot damn. He's
delicious. Why the hell haven't we done it?
Bead: Why on earth don't we get drunk and--
Austin: Because friends don't let friends get laid drunk.
[The Happy Ending]
Elf: (pukes into her bucket)
Bead: Gee. Okay. It's a year later. Darryl and Cindy are off with
their twins Lula Mae and Tanka Rae. We see that Holman liberated
Sheila from the oppressive world of employment and independence.
Now, given this set of events, what do you think is going on with
Mulder and Scully?
Austin: I see-- Mulder. At work.
Elf: I see-- Scully. At work.
Bead: Are they involved?
Austin/Elf: No.
Bead: You two misunderstood me. Pretend you've been smoking pot, drinking fortys
and watching the Wizard of Oz over and over to Pink Floyd. What
happened to Mulder and Scully?
Elf: They're in the Caribbean. Scully's wearing a sarong and an emerald green bikini top. Mulder's wearing black board shorts and his hair is back to Season 5 babeliness.
Austin: The conspiracy has been revealed as a bunch of Legionnaires
who'd ingested too much LSD-laced pimento loaf in the 1960s. And
Samantha was found owning a Deadhead store in San Francisco.
Elf: Krycek took a job selling leather clothing. His chain of stores,
"Chain that Bad Boy Up" is becoming the Starbucks for alterna-kids.
Austin: Skinner took a job training the next president of the US to
be fit and macho.
Elf: And Cancerman finally got his memoirs published. He and JD
Salinger are hitting the talk show circuit together. The End.
Bead: And they call Chris Carter the Master of Yuppie Morbidity. (Shudder)
FADE TO BLACK.