[Teaser in the art place]
Bead: Dude, it's Tarzan, King of the Jungle.
Austin: See, without jungles, boys and girls, Tarzan has to pimp himself
out.
Elf: That's why destroying the rainforests is wrong.
Bead: Save Tarzan!
[Gargoyles]
Elf: Aren't gargoyles nice, according to Disney?
Austin: Well, according to Disney, Esmerelda lived.
Bead: And as Tarzan *just* died, I'll hazard this is 1013 and not Disney.
[Scully in Red]
Austin: Hoo-boy!
Elf: Except for the fact that the slide makes her bloody and Carrie-Like.
Bead: Hey, Russian dude? We all know that fools like Mulder. Der.
Austin: Is this chap trying to be Boris Badenoff?
Elf: Boris in smack withdrawal, maybe.
[Patterson arrives-- dum dum DAH!]
Bead: Hey, oh my God! It's Red Forman of that 70s Show! He's come to put
the beat-down on that ignorant slut Mulder!
Elf: Bead, sweetheart, that's actually *Patterson*.
Austin: Yes, he's the original creepy old man in love with Mulder.
Bead: I don't care. I want it to be Red Forman because he uttered one
of the funniest, coolest lines ever spoken on television.
Elf: Why do bad things always happen to me, sir?
Austin: Because you're a dumbass, Mulder.
Bead: (recovering herself) I like this "love affair" with Patterson deal.
Now I just need times and locations.
Austin: Snerk. You notice that Scully knows and is not phased by the
creepy old man thing. That's tolerant of her.
[Just a cat...]
Bead: She's *allergic*, Mulder, duh.
Elf: Here, kitty kitty kitty....
Austin: Here, son of Teso Teso Teso...
Bead: Hey, Mulder's doing, um..... things... to that flashlight.
Elf: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Bead: No comment!
Elf: Not even one about how Jennifer Lopez needs to thank her ass?
Bead: I said no comment, not even that one.
["Where's Mulder?"]
Austin: Der. Riggght.
Bead: They so need to put a little bell and collar on that guy.
Elf: Oh, yay! A Mulder voice-over!
Bead: Oh, ouch. Owie owie ouch.
Austin: Bead, this isn't bad. You sat through N'Sync and Britney Spears at
the VMAs Thursday. I wouldn't complain about this.
Bead: But I sat through the VMAs because of Chris Rock. So, who will be
the bad Backstreet Boy who gets Britney Spears pregnant?
Austin: Like I know the Backstreet Boys. Give me some credit, Beadling.
[Mulder and Patterson brawl]
Bead: Now Mulder, see how well Hyde is working?
Elf: Yes, Hyde is doing well. And you're a dumbass.
Austin: Red Patterson, FBI. Are we tripping? Oh, yes.
[Scully lets herself into Casa de Mulder, Gargoyle Edition]
Elf: Ooh, she just totally broke the covenant of the keys!
Austin: Good for her!
Bead: You know for a second there, she totally looked like Bryn.
Elf: Yep. And you know what, nice cut, boys.
Austin: Mulder's going psycho, Mulder's going psycho.
Bead: Going?
["You turned your phone off?"]
Austin: Now we know he's flipped.
Bead: Oh, she's *so* the worried girlfriend.
Elf: Ooh, more blue lighting.
Austin: How avant-garde.
Bead: But yet, what a classic ditch, by Ethan Allen.
Elf: Ooh. Red and Red, head to head.
Austin: Yes, the tension is a-crackling.
Bead: Why do people always assume Scully needs lessons in Mulder management?
She's not his mother!
Elf: But she is a chick, after all.
[Mulder took a knife from evidence?]
Austin: Uh-Oh.
Elf: Oh, there is fear in Scully's eyes.
Bead: She knows the boy can't help it.
Elf: And she also knows she can't help it.
Austin: And thus she covers his ass like the enabler she is.
[Phone yappery]
Bead: See what it felt like in his hand...
Elf: Oh, all right, we're so not going there!
Austin: Hey, I heard Mulder has man pain because of the fact he wants
Halle.
Elf: Yeah, right. And the Rent Boys are going to replace Bead over yonder
with David Bowie the next time she gets kicked out of the band.
Bead: (squeals) No! No! Eric's dad isn't a killer! He's too cool!
Austin: Does Hyde know about this?
Elf: Waaah.
[Chase scene]
Bead: Dude, I'm so bummed. Can this be over now?
Elf: Why are you bummed?
Bead: Eric's dad is a killer. And Scully's coat is ugly.
Austin: All things that send my mood right to hell.
[2 Weeks Later]
Bead: Did anyone else hear the whip crack?
Elf and Austin: (raise hands)
Bead: I thought so. Now I can go home happy.
Maybe this computer problem isn't so bad after all...
The One Where Queequeg Eats It
[Setting for this review-- a glamorous hotel suite... okay, it's Sister
Charissa's living room with lots of misdressed Barbies]
Austin: Bead, love, aren't you supposed to be deeply entranced in the
world of noir? So that you, Miss Jennifelle, do not fail that seminar
class? Or do you think that development deal with MTV is actually going
to materialize?
Bead: Hey, I just watched Blue Velvet. Dennis Hopper has traumatized me. I
think we'll wait before we plug in Double Indemnity. Deal with this.
Austin: Can't we watch Laura again? Please, love? That movie was great!
Elf: And I want to pitch a remake of The Maltese Falcon with Bruce Willis
and Steve Buscemi.
Bead: That's nice, both of you, but we're watching Big Giant Gators in
Georgia, okay? DEAL!
[Dude-- killer toads! Killer Toads in Vancouver!]
Austin: I do believe that we're supposed to give a damn about the
environment again.
Bead: Save Mother Earth! Save the Toads! Save X-Files from--
Elf: Hey, Bead? Tell the kitten to get away from me, I'm cogitating.
Bead: (oblivious) You can't turn your back on nature because Nature is a
psycho wielding an Uzi without any qualm about riddling your pathetic ass
with--
Austin: Hey, look! It's the Blair Witch, eating people!
Elf: Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...
["What's Older Than The Hills?"]
Bead: Chunky Italian?
Elf: Shatner's hairpiece?
Austin: The classic jealousy between man and non-human animal companion?
Bead: You mean Mulder dislikes the yappy furball?
Elf: Yappy furball has seen Scully nekkid. You do the math-- BEAD! The cat
is nibbling me!
Bead: Leave the cute kitty alone, Elf. Ain't you precious, hon?
Austin: Don't you miss Mulder, Monster Hunter?
Elf: Yeah, it takes me back to when he was a lovable doof and not an ass.
Bead: Why are they wearing nice suits to the lake?
Elf: Coming to a point? Them? Ever? No, because then they'd do it.
Bead: Hey, hillbilly dude, do not bitch out tabloids! They're not without
value, dammit!
[The Dinosaur Bait and Tackle]
Austin: Once, Scully believed, but then life stole her sense of humor and
wonder.
Bead: But not her fashion sense.
Elf: Hey, I personally know fairy tales that eat Boy Scouts all the time.
I have a Rolodex even.
Bead: Oh, look, that 1013 standby, hillbillies r us.
Elf: Yet more people who are all the same to 1013.
Austin: Why do they need to, love? Stereotypes make it unnecessary to
plumb the depths of human souls. Besides, you just find out that lots and
lots of people are jerks.
Bead: (sadly) No kidding. Can we talk about something else?
["We've got a floater"]
Austin: Well, you can't eat that for dinner.
Elf: Mulder, can you ever resist touching the inappropriate to touch
object?
Austin: Not in Canada. Land of radiant beauty.
Bead: And faux sea monsters.
[The lost cap of Big Jim Bob Elvis]
Bead: Sooperstar. See that? Soooooperstarrrrr.
Elf: It's sad how Mulder hates that dog. It makes him a lesser person.
Austin: What? That's an annoying dog.
[The Stoner Teens]
Bead: Yeeeeessss! Dude, they need to be on my show.
Austin: The one about the useless people?
Bead: You'd be correct.
Elf: Hey, that's Seth Green in the wetsuit!
Austin: No way.
Bead: No way! Seth can't get eaten by Jaws! No!
Austin: Well, it takes care of his idle hands, eh, love?
[Scully in leather]
Elf: Whoah! Dude, in that outfit Scully looks like a badassssssss.
Bead: Where did she get that jacket? Krycek? It's wicked tasty.
Austin: Hey! Cat! Off me, kitty, that's a bad kitty!
Elf: See, told you.
[Uh-oh, looks like it's not safe to go into the water AGAIN]
Austin: I say, Mark Snow very much borrowed the Jaws theme here.
Elf: To say nothing of the writers, I might add.
Bead: Well, at least the hillbillies are classic 1013.
["Come on, Queequeg"]
Austin: That is a most annoying dog.
Elf: Yeah, it's stupendously yappy.
Bead: It needs, like, a better bell and collar.
Elf: Uh-oh. That was a bad sound.
Austin: Yes, dogs aren't supposed to make sounds like that.
Bead: Oh, painful! The Loch Ness monster ate her dog!
Elf: And witness Mulder not giving a damn.
Austin: That is a cruel man.
[Mulder and Scully on a boat. Hum the Gilligan's Theme with us.]
Bead: Oh, sit right back and you'll hear a tale--
Elf: A tale of a pair of twits--
Austin: That don't know how to steer a boat--
Bead: And lost their de-pos-it.
Austin: Hey, do you think Scully will own 60 outfits like Ginger did on
the island?
Bead: Dude, these are some sad castaway yuppies.
Elf: Don't you love Scully's cheery "Nature hates you" philosophy?
Bead: Yes. I even share in it.
Austin: Before or after you saw Blair Witch?
Bead: Before. Like Scully, I hate nature. It's lame and bogus.
Elf: Snicker. Mulder's not that hard to figure out. He gets a babely
partner to hang with, lots of adventures, and an almost unlimited expense
account to check out ghosts. I mean, truly now.
Austin: Oh, yes, you two, shoot the duck! It's got claws and fangs!
[The Conversation on the Rock]
Bead: What she's saying is, yes, Mulder, I'd eat you if I had to.
Elf: Ay yi yi. That weight thing-- I think that's offensive.
Austin: Scully's dad read her Moby Dick? That's cruel!
Bead: And what did you expect him to read? Anne of Green Gables?
Elf: I can't believe they both read Melville. They're such masochists, the
both of them.
[Back on the shore]
Bead: One word-- pathetic.
Austin: Sorry wee yuppies who fear nature in its many guises.
Elf: Uh-oh. That scientist just dissed Mulder.
Austin: He's gator bait.
Bead: Maybe that's why Scully stays civil to Mulder.
Elf: Check our heroine's feminine wiles. That's the way you do it!
Austin: I also think it's most excellent she is still a doctor in this ep.
[In the woods and conclusion]
Bead: Dun-dun-dun!
Elf: It's a monster and it's coming right for us!
Austin: It took Chubb's hand!
Elf: If it took Mulder a clip to trash that gator...
Bead: It was a gator on PCP. The end.
Austin: Aww, look. Scully forgives him because he was wrong.
Bead: Or she remembered she hated that dog.
Elf: Or baby needs some lovin'.
Bead: Whatever, it's over. Let's go watch Mildred Pierce and keep Charissa
company, okay?
Fade to black...
OB: Misbehavior in Mississippi
Wow. There was actually, like, an X-Files episode on last night, even if
it was a rerun. Color me surprised....
[Teaser with the tornado and the Mississippi work camp and the dead dude]
Bead: Oh, dear. Carter's gotten into the Deep South again.
Austin: Does his blatant regionalism ever turn your stomach, luv?
Bead: No. I just point it out loudly every time I see it.
Elf: Geez, talk about your subtle sarcasm, Bead.
Austin: Well, it disguises her tender inner soul so well. Also, it's
disguising the fact we walked into this ep about two minutes late.
[Autopsy in Jackson. Jackson Mississippi]
Bead: Ooh, look. He could be a charcoal briquette for a B-B-Q.
Austin: (reading the credits) Tuesday Knight? Is that a porn name? Or is
it a sibling of Jordan Knight?
Elf: Mulder? Down, boy. We know that isn't your *heart* leaping.
Austin: Or to quote Beavis-- boi-i-oing-i-ong.
[Examining the Life and History of Pinker Rawls]
Elf: His name is so... so....
Austin: Stereotypical in the bad way?
Bead: And to say nothing of that bad prison sex joke. It's so
eighth-grade.
[Confrontation between Rawls and Security at Val-U-Mart]
Austin: Please tell me he did not just say "boy" in a heavy Southern
accent.
Bead: Oh, yes. He did. Remember that the height of Southern culture is
beer helmets, incest, and "Hee-Haw" in the Carterverse.
Elf: I guess that Faulkner guy was just a fluke, eh?
Bead: And I'm so loving Pinker's Swamp Shack Hideaway.
Austin: It's a pinnacle of decor. Martha Stewart would call it "rustic
chic."
Bead: Ooh, check that! Pinker's going Croup and Vandemar on that guy!
Cool!
[Mulder and Scully arrive-- and occasional dis-- the Swamp Shack]
Elf: Kill! Rawls burnt that guy's face out!
Austin: I find their lack of proper forensic procedure disturbing.
Bead: Would you please not knock a good ep with a plot?
Austin: Not even when it's stereotypical Southern Culture on the Skids?
Bead: Think and be calmed. This is Mulder and Scully investigating.
Together. Working their mojo. Take any small miracle you can get, Austin.
[Jackie and June, sisters in crime. At least 1013 didn't name them Thelma
and Louise.]
Elf: Hmm, and continuing with our "anyone who lives in Mississippi is a
classless hick" theme....
Austin: She's got a knife! It's just like Psycho! Or Lorena Bobbitt.
Bead: Dude, why are Mulder and Scully NEVER allowed to arrive in time?
Ever?
Elf: Well, Bead, where's the drama in that? This isn't Law and Order, they
don't get to have any fun with 'em after they bust 'em.
Bead: Well, damn. And walking through walls isn't enough drama for you?
Austin: To say nothing of this creepy trunk-lurking development.
[June Gerwitch, proving your past always returns to bite you in the butt,
so why bother?]
Bead: Dude, preppy bald-boy needs to chill himself down.
Austin: For real. Granted, what June did was wrong, but if you were the
ex-girlfriend of a raving psycho, wouldn't you try to hide yourself as
well as you could?
Elf: Hey, June? I've seen your life story before. It's called _A Simple
Plan_ with Bridget Fonda, and you, dear, are no Bridget Fonda.
Bead: Robert is such a jerk! I understand his need to be angry, but he
could at least try to have some understanding.
Austin: And look. Macho Man Mulder *knows* at this point bullets fail to
work on Pinker, but his gun is at the ready. Go, brain, go.
Elf: He's so Inspector Gadget. Go-go Mulder-gun! Go-go Mulder man pain!
Go-go Mulder haircut!
Bead: Go-go Mulder prison sex joke?
[June in the hotel]
Austin: Okay, this is every noir movie ever made.
Bead: Down to the dress and the cigarette.
Austin: To say nothing of the creep factor.
[Pinker wants what's his. Apparently, fathering a child makes it his, no
matter he's spent the kid's entire life in prison, and never bothered to
write a letter even after he found out about the kid.]
Elf: Why do they never pick up the phone except when it's a bad idea to
pick up the phone?
Austin: And how come Pinker's hands aren't charbroiling June?
Elf: As it all winds down into a bad family melodrama. Complete with
domestic violence. How quaint.
Bead: Yep, all they need is a bottle of Jack Daniels and some country
music and this little tableau's complete.
Austin: And look, now it's the all-American chase scene. Minus the General
Lee and hoots and hollers.
Bead: But plus Scully wearing her "Defender of all Children" hat.
Elf: Hey, did Scully just whisper something censorable in that phone
booth?
Bead: I believe so. Wouldn't you?
Austin: And look at the excellent B-movie ending there. A moment of
decency followed by a justifiably gory death. Like Chinatown only gender
reversed.
Bead: How poetic. Or how The Postman Always Rings Twice.
Elf: Also gender-reversed.
And there you go....
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