Myrddin's StoryMyrddin's StoryOften people ask, "How do I know that I'm a witch?" I tell them that it is more a calling than it is a decision. Most witches I know, knew that they were different somehow, even when they were growing up. I offer here my story of growing up and realizing I was different. It covers my search for myself spiritually while growing up, and my eventual realization that the Craft was my path. Although most witches have a story of growing up feeling different, I don't believe that this is an absolute requirement to be a witch. At the same time I want to express that it is not a path you choose to follow over night. I offer my story hoping that it may help some put their quest in perspective. It should also serve to show people with similar experiences, that they are not alone.
Some of my earliest memories concerned the Moon. I remember as a small child of 2 or 3 years of age, riding in the back seat of the car at night. This was back in the middle 60's when many cars didn't even have seat belts. Children usually would be free to play in the back seat. I would kneel on the back seat with my face pressed against the window and look out into the night. The Moon was very obviously special. It wouldn't be out every night and it had the ability to change its appearance when it was.
The Moon and I had a very special and magical relationship. On the nights that it was out, I couldn't help noticing that it would follow me. Trees would blur past as I rode in the car, only being visible for a moment. Houses would appear ahead pass by the window and soon be out of sight. During all of this the Moon stayed in the same place. It would follow me all the way to the library with my Dad and be waiting outside when we were done to follow me home. I knew it was me the Moon, cherished. It didn't matter which parent I was with, it followed me. If I stayed at home with my baby sitter, the Moon would remain outside the house all night long. It seemed to watch over me and protect me.
In time, I was told or heard about guardian angels. I knew from the description of a guardian angel, that the Moon was mine. I was soon informed about how silly this thought was. I still believed it anyway because it felt right. It is strange that I never felt the same way about the Sun. The Sun can be seen to have the same effect as the moon does as you move in a car, so do the stars. The Moon was the only one I noticed or cared about. Even though I didn't understand the concept of Goddess, I think I instinctually knew about her at some level.
In our back yard there was a big Tree. It was so big that if I, and two of the other neighborhood kids, held hands, we still couldn't reach around it. Beneath this Tree was a big Rock that stuck out of the ground three to four feet. The Rock was just a couple of feet from the base of the Tree. This was a special place. When I was outside, I spent about two thirds of my time playing around this Tree. It stretched endlessly into the sky. I always felt safe there. If I got a new toy, I would go out back by the tree and play with it there. I looked at the Tree as a friend. I believe now that I was able to sense an intelligence in the Tree. At that point in my life I had not yet learned to distinguish one type of tree from another. Considering what I can remember about it, I now think it was an ash. Ash is an important tree in the Craft.
Another strange thing about me is how far back my memory goes with clarity. I could site many examples of memories that go far back, but that would serve very little here. Suffice it to say that my earliest memories go back to 1966. Most of the above mentioned memories are from 1967 & 1968. I have little trouble recalling Christmases and birthday parties, but Halloween was the most magical day of the year. I couldn't decide which was my favorite day of the year, Christmas because of all the presents I got, or Halloween because of that certain magic. I loved dressing up in a costume and being able to go out at night. It seemed so natural. Why couldn't we have Halloween once a week? Why couldn't we have it during the warmer weather, so my mother wouldn't have to spoil the effect of my costume by making me wear a heavy coat? I guess if I had to choose now, which one I liked best as a child, it would have to be Halloween. For most children, it would be Christmas, but I can remember vividly what costume I wore each year. I couldn't tell you what I got each year for Christmas. Sure, I could tell you I got a Lionel Train one year, but was 1967, 1968 or 1969? Starting with 1967, I can give you precise detail of each of my costumes. I suppose Halloween made more of an impression on me.
In the summer of 1969, I found myself living with my Aunt for sort of a vacation while my parents looked for a house in New Jersey. My father was just transferred to New York City by the company for which he worked. I also got to witness a major historic event. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins were on their way to the Moon. I was older now and understood more about my mysterious Moon. I realized that it was so far away that it would take several days to get there by rocket. Neil and Buzz were going to land on the Moon, my Moon. I sat riveted to the television. I watched those historic first TV pictures from the Sea of Tranquillity and somehow my Moon lost much of its magic. There was a little comfort, however in the fact that the surface of the Moon looked kind of like the Rock in my backyard at home. In a month, I would be leaving the Tree and the Rock to go to New Jersey. I would never visit either one ever again.
The move to New Jersey saved me from many young and formative years of Catholic school. I was originally enrolled in a parochial school where I had spent my life so far. I would now be attending public school in New Jersey. My new home had a creek in the backyard and also bordered on the woods. The woods became my new magic place, as did the creek. Not only did my love of nature deepen, I became inseparably connected to Mother Earth. As the 60's came to an end, I was a conservation nut not even yet in my teens.
It was about now that my mother started exploring her psychic side, at least openly in front of my father and me. She had always been psychic but now she had to explore that part of herself. She even looked upon herself as a "white witch," to use her words. She bought books and other supplies. She used to light green candles for money and other such rituals. Her psychicness and these spells were flaunted to the family often. I was never too convinced about the candle lighting and such, but she did have a knack for foretelling some events. One of these was natural disasters, which she could foretell, but with no detail. A week or a few days before a disaster, she would hear voices calling her name. The number of voices she heard was in proportion to the number killed.
It was about now that I started having prophetic dreams. These usually didn't involve anything important but they were a little nerve-racking nonetheless. Most of the dreams of a prophetic type involved the mundane, like someone coming over to visit the next day. These, when remembered vividly, would more often than not, come true. I could tell a prophetic dream by its vividness. Some of these vivid dreams did not seem to have much to do with current situations. These I now believe often carried remnants of past life memories.
Another thing that I associated with dreams was a strange thing that would occasionally happen. Some of my dreams actually involved me floating around my bedroom and even seeing myself still asleep in my bed. I have even experienced meeting something that was intelligent, but was not human, while this occurred. In one of these I was floating above the bed, but I was bound tightly and unable to move. In another one, I was shot through the heart and died. This is one reason why I never believed it when I was told that if you died in a dream, you would die for real. While some of this may have just been dream phenomena, I think that at least some of it was astral projection. The episode in which I was shot, may be a past life remnant.
Just by comparing my experiences with those of other kids, I soon realized that I was different. I was gifted or special or cursed or whatever you wanted to call it. I also learned to stop talking about it, because others never had these experiences and refused to believe that I did. None of my friends found anything special in the clouds or the sunsets. They didn't even find magic in trees. I don't know where it came from, but I've held a thought in my head that had been there as long as I can remember: "The wisdom of the world can be found in trees."
My mother's health soon started to wane. No one was sure why or what she had. Doctors were bit baffled at her condition. She was finally diagnosed as having lupus. She turned to her Catholic faith and even attributed (or so I believe) her illness to her practice of the occult. These practices ceased immediately soon after, and she has still never returned to it. I even remember her burning a book or two in a hole in the backyard. All she has now is her premonitions and the sporadic psychic sensing. She is still very proud of this ability, and of course healthy today. After spending over a decade sick, she got better. It turned out to be not lupus, but a collection of not so horrible maladies that coincided. Despite that she hasn't picked up her ouija board, or tarot cards since.
I did found myself uncontrollably drawn to her deck of tarot cards. I was also drawn to, and found fascinating, such things as witchcraft, divination, talking to the dead and other such things. The year was 1975 and I soon went to the library to see if I could find answers to what I was, and why I felt the way I did. I found a book on out of body experiences. This went a long way in explaining some of the dream phenomena mentioned earlier. After reading other books, including some of my mother's without her knowledge, it seemed that I was a witch. The books by Sibyl Leek especially convinced me of this. This brought up some disturbing questions. What if my mother's illness was brought on by her witchcraft? Would I get sick too? I was too scared to talk to anyone about this.
These thoughts at one level disturbed me. I guess this was a result of the Catholic up bringing. The word 'witch' had so many negative connotations and denotations. Witches were also supposed to be female. Did this mean that the word warlock applied to me? The word 'witch' seemed to hit a cord deep down inside and did so in a way that felt good and positive. Warlock didn't do that. The realization of what I was and destined to become had begun. I found that I was uncontrollably drawn to such things as my mother's old deck of tarot cards.
As this was going on, I became interested in Native American things. This I toyed with because it helped to bring me more in tune with Mother Nature. It also made me feel more in tune with this inner yearning, which had begun. I even made a medicine bag when I was 13 or 14. My Catholic religious studies didn't seem to mean much to me. I found too many inconsistencies in Christian thought. The Native American beliefs made more sense to me than the Catholic ones did. The only Catholic teaching that held any meaning for me was the parable of the Good Samaritan. This has in fact been the blue print for my life. The Native American and the Good Samaritan came together in my life in a special way, The Order of the Arrow.
I had been a boy scout for some years. The Order of the Arrow is an elite group of scouts and scout leaders that emulate the scouting ideals in their everyday lives. You have to be picked for the honor of membership by your fellow scouts. After being selected and an ordeal, you were initiated. This would be one of several sacred initiations during my spiritual development. This organization was built on selflessly serving others. Although there was no reference to my biblical parable, the connections were obviously very strong. This organization proved to me, in the long run, that the Native American path, is not my true path, though I still use bits and pieces I learned there.
As a teenager, I was very into rock 'n' roll music. Two of my favorite bands were Led Zeppelin and Jethro Tull. When I first heard Stairway to Heaven, I fell so deeply in love with it. It seemed to touch my very soul. The same feeling that I believe Robert Plant means in the line from that song, "There's a feeling I get when I look to the West." This I just seemed to know. I couldn't help but notice that the inside drawing of the album cover was the Hermit, or #9 of the Major Arcana of the Tarot. This signifies guidance and there seemed to be this for me in this song. I would later learn that Plant practically took the material for the lyrics from a Lewis Spence work on magical beliefs of Celtic Britain.
There was a dark side to the occult and it also had a manifestation in Led Zeppelin in the interests Jimmy Page. The dark paths never attracted me as far as following them. I did however find an interest in them academically. I have always had a deep interest in the beliefs of others. This was especially true of the occult beliefs, including the black ones. I never once doubted though that my path was the one of Light. Jimmy Page had much to do with the works of Alister Crowley, alchemy and ceremonial magic. He even bought Crowley's old castle on Loch Ness as a home. I always found this part of the music, and the band, fascinating. There had been rumors that if you played Stairway backwards, part of it said, "Oh to my sweet Satan." This supposedly had to do with the pact that Page had forged with the Devil. I refused to believe it. This was not Jimmy's song, it was Robert's, and he wasn't into any of that stuff. The song felt too right anyway to be dark.
I had recently gained a love for things medieval. When Jethro Tull came out with Minstrel in the Gallery in 1975, I took notice. When in 1976, I heard the first cut on the radio from the next album, Songs from the Wood, I was ecstatic. The song was The Whistler and I purchased the album a couple of days later. This whole album sang to me in the same way, and touched my soul, as Stairway did. Here was a whole album of songs about Beltain, solstices, ley lines, etc. The feeling I would get listening to this kind of music, is the same I would get sitting alone in a room with no light except candle light. I was definitely different from anyone else I knew. I often wondered if there was anyone else like me on Earth.
I noticed early on that my song, Stairway, was sung to a lady. Why did it speak to my soul if I was a guy? The word witch felt right, but again I was a male. This caused some interesting dilemmas. I was attracted to girls and not in the slightest to boys. I fantasized about my latest female crush the same as any boy my age would have. But I also valued female friendship. This was back in a time when there was no internet and few books on this subject. It was really hard sometimes to get access to the few books there were too. There was still a lot that I needed to learn.
As I mentioned above, my love for medieval history grew. As it did, so it did for the literature of the period. I was especially fond of the Arthurian legends. These also became a great study of mine as they still are today. I found that I loved Beowulf as well as I loved stories by Tolkien. I had learned many things from the Native American ways, but I no longer felt drawn to it. I felt most at home with medieval history and the Celtic realm. The Anglo-Saxons also became a great love.
My love of history was complimented by my love of genealogy. It is a form of ancestor worship for me as I work on compiling our family tree and history. At times I even feel that my ancestors have helped me in various ways. With this research I have no doubt about this. There have been times that I was looking for a piece of information and had about given up. Then when I was looking for something else, without explanation, I would randomly open a book to a page. There in front of me, the answer to my original question would glare at me as if it were highlighted. I know I was guided there or shown the answer by someone who was concerned. This happened many times over the years doing genealogical research. I would often mumble "Thank you."
I was 16, had an unquenchable thirst for things of a witch nature, had a love of all things medieval, was an amateur genealogist, and loved Celtic and Arthurian things. I soon changed high schools and began a new life going to a private school. Here all of my interests intensified. I also found myself involved in the martial arts while away at school. Except for the history and genealogy, which seemed to go hand in hand, I kept my interests to myself. I knew that no one else would understand, least of all my parents.
The Eastern Philosophy I leaned while taking the martial arts, appealed to me in much the same way as the Native American tradition did. It is uncanny how much the eastern and western mystic views on the universe have in common. By the time I was 18, I had realized that the oriental way would only mean as much to me as the Native American way had meant. I still use much I learned in both in my everyday life, but they are just tools. I would continue my martial arts well into my college years and my path was most definitely the one sung by Plant in Stairway.
I went away to college believing that Witchcraft was my spiritual path. During my first semester, I experienced increased psychic activity. This was because I was awakening these centers within myself. Even though I was alone in my practices, I soon dedicated my life to this path and the Goddess. I was 18 and it was the early 80's. Witchcraft was not trendy as it is today. There were no pagan groups on campus, nor was there an internet on which to connect to others. I was alone with no one to share my thoughts.
As the 80's drew on, I acquired a couple of working tools and begun to find a few more books. I read Sibyl Leek and Janet & Stewart Farrar. I soon had my own book of shadows and settled into a routine of celebrating the Sabbats and the Full Moons. As the decade came to a close, I found new inspiration in authors like Scott Cunningham and Ray Buckland.
I soon started networking with other witches for the first time. I obtained a post office box and subscribed to Circle Network News. As I compared my beliefs to that of my fellow witches, I found solace for the first time. I had actually met others like myself. By this time, I had been a witch alone for eight years.
Today I look back on those days with mixed feelings. I remember the loneliness I felt. I also remember how exciting it was discovering my life's path. Today I am surrounded by other people with whom I may discuss my beliefs. These are both friends I've let in on my secret, and other witches I know. I am lucky to be in a life long relationship with my lover, my mate and my High Priestess, Cassandra. I am truly blessed.
