THE SANTA FILES By Jade

[modification of Dutch Sinterklaas, alteration of Sint Nikolaas Saint Nicholas] a plump white-bearded and red-suited old man in modern folklore who delivers presents to good children at Christmastime -- called also Santa

* san*ta Claus (noun)

For ages, Santa Claus* has been regarded as the bringer of presents and happiness at Christmastime. In our paintings and sculptures we have made to honor this great god of presents, he is portrayed as a fat jolly man in a red suit, with a sleigh of reindeer and a bag of gifts. Children often stay up at night watching for "Santa" and his reindeer to come and put presents under the tree. Pretty soon, however, the news is brought that Santa isn't real, that he is only a myth to keep children from being naughty. How could some fat man

get to every house in the world in one night? How can a sleigh of reindeer fly through the air?  How can he fit down a chimney when he probably weighs in at 300 lbs? It can't be done, therefore Santa isn't real. Or is he? This is what my team and I have been trying to figure out.     I first suspected something wasn't right when I was taking a walk down an old deserted street last weekend. I was just enjoying the snow when I tripped over something red and velvety. Could it be? I thought to myself in amazement. Why, this looks like part of Santa's suit! I gaped at the fuzzy cloth, then quickly reminded myself Santa was a myth, a figment of my imagination. Nevertheless, I pocketed the cloth and started on my way home.    For the rest of that night, I couldn't shake the thought that I had some valuable information in the pocket of my coat. As I watched "All in the Family" reruns I found myself repeatedly gazing at the cloth. It was then I decided to investigate the situation the very next morning.    As I packed for the Santa-hunting trip, I began to wonder where I would have the most luck in finding any information of his whereabouts ( I was now almost positive he existed somewhere in the world ). Then it hit me. Wisconsin. There couldn't be a more perfect place! So I got on the first plane to the cheesy state.    During my expedition I questioned many people about Santa Claus. Many said they had seen him out at night and some have actually gotten photos (though blurry) of him. One man on a farm (age 56) said: "Yeah... I seen 'im. ' Bout 3:00 in the mornin.. I was out slaughterin' the chickens when I heard a rustlin in the bushes. So I went to see what it was with my shotgun o'er my shoulder, and this big porky fella came rampagin' outta the forest, scatterin the chickens and scarin the horses. So I did the on'y thing I could, I shot at 'im and I think i got 'im too cause I heard a thump. But when I went to see all i found was a peice of this furry red stuff. Musta gotten away with magic, I reckon.." Amazingly, when the man showed me the cloth that had ripped from the guy that "rampaged from the forest" it matched the peice I got  perfectly. Could this just be mere coincidence? I think not. Another person, a woman this time, had a different encounter with Santa. "They call him a myth? Ha! He's no myth! He's a pyro! I was taking my kids to the bar one right, when my younger daughter cried ' Mommy! Look! ' Expecting to see a rabbit or some other little animal, I looked. There, in that red suit, grinning like some kind of psychopath, I saw Santa. Luckily I had my polaroid, though, or else nobody would believe it! My kids and I will never forget that day!"

Although blurry, in this picture you can clearly see the red suit and the fire in the background. Could this mean that Santa Claus may have emotional problems, perhaps from the years of flying through the air with no sleep and pretending to be jolly? Or maybe he's on the run, afraid of what people might think of him if he was caught. About 2 miles from the fire, the woman found a slaughtered reindeer hanging from a tree branch. Could this reindeer be Donner?? Or, perhaps, Comet? An autopsy showed that this reindeer did, in fact, have a motor, which could allow flight.

Further into my adventure, I got hold of 3 disturbing pictures that could actually be pictures of Santa Claus. I will attempt to explain each of them.

Left: This was a picture taken in the living room of a home in central Wisconsin. The white and dark blotches circled with red may be Santa Claus putting presents under a tree. If you look closely you can see a dark bag-shaped object near the circle. This picture was taken by a 30 year old man who rushed downstairs with a camera after hearing some bangings, he said he thought it was a burglar. How did this "Santa" get in? Nobody knows. The Chimney looked undamaged, and the door was securely locked even after the intrusion. But investigators did find a cigarette by the tree the next day, in this non-smoking house.

Right: This is perhaps the best ever photograph taken of Santa Claus to date. You can clearly see his features and a pair of glasses, along with that trademark white beard. The person who took this picture obviously caught him off guard, with the surprised look on his face, and the photographer later reported that the Santa had tried to push the camera away, so it made the picture blurry. Scientists still marvel over this picture, stating that "..we don't see how anyone could fake this, this truly has to be..the real Santa..."

Left: This is the last Santa Claus photograph I was able to get a hold of. The photographer (a chimney sweep) said he had been climbing a roof to clean the chimney, when he was surprised by a "large fat man with mean little eyes" sitting on the roof with a large bag next to him. With sudden realization of who this man was, the chimney sweep snapped a picture, but not before the Claus threw a glass of water at the camera, blurring it out. In the picture, you can see the white fluffy material around the edges of his suit, and if you look closely, a black boot. Investigators say Santa, if real, could be potentially dangerous, so you should always have a gun handy if coming in contact with him.

As I sit now, and type out the results to my Santa Claus Expedition, I shudder to think that somewhere...lurking in the darkness, a Santa waits. Waits for something. What is that something? I don't know. Nor do I care..because I've realized that if there really is Santa Claus, it's stupid to go looking for him because he is clearly vicious and unpredictable, and not a force to be reckoned with.