I fall apart

everytime I picture you

swallowed by the dark

there is no center to my life now

no grace in my heart

~ Grace of my heart

Just like that. He's gone. Everything is different now. And I can't bring him back. Everything we've done, everything we've stood for, everything we've saved and I couldn't save him. All because I was so stupid to think that just because I didn't love him, it meant he didn't love me and he wouldn't follow me when I went to make things right. Make things right. It didn't exactly turn out that way.

He was just trying to help me. To save me. Angel came up behind me so fast, I wouldn't have seen him if Xander hadn't pushed me out of the way... and then Angel broke him. I heard it, every bone in his body... Angel has what he wants now. Jenny is gone, Xander is gone, who's going next?

What's going to happen now? Willow is a mess, Oz is just as bad just trying to comfort her and Cordelia is worse than both of them combined. Giles looks numb. And they all blame me. Who wouldn't? I blame myself... if I hadn't been there, he wouldn't have been there and he wouldn't be gone and it'd be just like it was before. All of us together... God, I'm such a horrible person.

I took him for granted, when I knew deep down that he cared for me more than Angel ever would. But I ignored him, because he wasn't so unattainable. But look what the unattainable did. It killed two of my friends, maybe more. Maybe even me. But maybe it'd be better if I was gone, too. Maybe Angel would just leave everyone else alone. Get over it and move on. But maybe he wouldn't, and then there would be no one to protect them. Either way we're screwed. And it's not like I do that great of a job protecting them in the first place. Hell, Spike could probably protect them better than me, and he's on the other side! I'm a failure, and a terrible friend. I dont' even know what to say to them: Gee, sorry I got your best friend killed , Will. Sorry I didn't see Angel coming before he murdered your boyfriend, Cordy. Sorry your girlfriend is such a wreck that she can't even talk, Oz. Sorry your whole world is falling apart, Giles, I've just been having issues and slaying my boyfriend doesn't top out on my priority list, so you'll all have to suffer? I can't say that. Even though that's how it is. Someone died because I was careless and self-obsorbed. Someone I cared about. Someone that cared about me. Someone that helped keep my world together, but now it's falling apart.

~el fin

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