"Mighty pharoah, we have been in thy land for many years, and our people are weary, and we wish to return to our home, for all we said was "Just popping out for a minute pet" and our loved ones may begin to worry soon, and the washing up shall be mighty when we return."
And this is what pharoah did reply; "Ungrateful wermin; graceless slugs; for all these years you have been in our glorious land, eating our Leeks and drinking our Sheep. When your worthless people arrived we invited you in, e'en tho' thou camest without a bottle, and we did treat ye kindly and mercifully, even through the hard times, and at no point did you ever do work. Your plea is rejected; crawl from my presence."
And they did plead further, until pharoah wearied, and banished them to swansea and the LEEK farms therein.
And when their people learned of this they were dismayed, for all hope had gone. Then a young one named HERBERT did say "If pharoah will not listen to mortal voices, maybe he will listen to ERIK!" And the people cheered, and made haste to the temple. And lo, ERIK did listen, and vowed to destroy the evil pharaoh. And ERIK did send down five plagues upon the WELSH, each more vile than the one before.
THE FIRST PLAGUE
And ERIK did send a plague of neverending heat, which was most welcome for it had rained for many days, and in cardiff Noah Jones had got out his so'wester.
THE SECOND PLAGUE
And ERIK did send a plague of moose, which was ridiculed, and HERBERT did explain to ERIK the difference between mouse, mice, and moose. For the moose had died of accute embarrassment, and the RSPCA was breathing down the neck of ERIK. And blessings flowed from ERIK like wine from a loaf.
THE THIRD PLAGUE
And ERIK did decree that henceforth only five names would be permitted the WELSH, and these would be:-
Evans
Morgan
Jones
Price
and Williams
And pharoah was pleased, for he was no good with names, and called everyone "love".
THE FORTH PLAGUE
And ERIK did send down a plague of nothingness, but all ignored it.
THE FIFTH PLAGUE
And ERIK was most put out with this, and so did he declare that for eternity the WELSH would be known as welsh, and they were all pleased for they could not be bothered to use capital letters all the time.
And HERBERT saw all of this, and gathered the eight tribes of ERIK and did say "We must flee, for ERIK is a dozy bugger and no mistake, we shall be here for ever if we leave it to him."
And a voice from the back did shout "And a bit longer if there's a rail strike!"
And the people of ERIK did agree, and vowed to leave, just as soon as Coronation Street had finished.
* * * * * *
And HERBERT went to the very top of the mountain and prayed to ERIK: "Yo Lord, we thank thee. Thy wisdom brought us safe from that cruel land, and has led us for many years. When we hungered thou didst give us sheep; when we thirsted thou didst give us sheep; when we wandered lost in the cairngorms you gave us sheep. Thankfully we brought our wives with us. How can we ever thank thee?"
And ERIK said "HEAR what I say to thee infant; to thee give I these tablets of lead. Upon them be my commandments. Obey these as you would me (although number 1177 is a tricky little bugger, and I broke numbers 345 to 367 in the bath this morning)."
And HERBERT was pleased, for he had meant to take up weight lifting anyway, and so did he shoulder the burden willingly, and rolled down the hill.
* * * * * *
But whilst HERBERT had been away, an evildoer named Aalfred had been at work, his forked tongue leading the people astray. "It is the fault of erik. We had a cushy little number in wales and erik buggered it up. Give me your gold, silver and plywood so we can craft an idol of the welsh god, and lets us flagellate ourselves with the holy LEEK, to pray for a second chance!"
And the words caused the HOLY to forget, and so it was that when HERBERT approached and saw them worshipping the golden idol of the SCAMP, he was incensed, and cast down the tablets so hard they burst assunder, and great were the shrapnel wounds at that time. And HERBERT was not pleased, for his feet were of the large size, and now of the bruised type, for he hurled down but not away the HOLY tablets.
And HERBERT furiously commanded the HOLY to build of the SCAMP an alter and there to sacrifice the heretical LEEK, and then to make of it a soup. And the people were grateful, for the LEEKs were hard, and the sheep had been giving them funny looks. And then HERBERT ran back up the hill to beseech ERIK for another copy of the COMMANDMENTS. But ERIK could not remember them all, and jumbled the few he could remember together; and these were they.
I Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours gnome. For it is meet and right that he shall fish in but one well, and only that well.
II Thou shalt remain faithfull to the Lord thy goat, and silly shall be the sheep followers, for banned shall be their young, when a wind blows from the east.
III Thou shalt not utter the number , for accursed shall it be for ever more.
# IV Thou shalt build a place of wisdom and learning for the young, and also build a place for the insane/. And one shall be called a PUB and the second a SCHOOL.
V Thou shalt not eat of the hippopotamus, nor of the mosquito, for they are holy, and are of the same form as they god ERIK.
VII Blessed shall be the cheesemakers, and thrice blessed the bisquit makers. For the silly ones will lead, and the foolish follow; but the whole shall eat, and there shall be no after dinner mints. So shall the world be renewed, and JACOB rule it.
And ERIK did say that all who followed these commandments would be blessed, but those who disobeyed would suffer a horrible fate.
And the people didst laugh at HERBERT when he told them these laws, and many did leave. And the fate of ERIK did fall upon them, for they grew old but never died, and so the place where they settled was known as BOURNEMOUTH, which meaneth "Place of the old". But those who remained obeyed, and ERIK rewarded them, for he gave them a place suited to their needs, and called it MILTON KEYNES, "Place of the foolish who followed where sheep would not".
* * * * * *
[Editorial note:- It has been suggested that the number missing in III is the number 6 (six) for as yet unpublished evidence suggests that ERIK had a blind spot for this number (and indeed for numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, and 0).]
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