Fehrt-Midlin: The Saga Continues

Most people know that guide dogs are exceedingly well trained; popular opinion would lead us to believe that this is due to training of young dogs, but recent leaked reports have shown this to be false. Instead it has been revealed that all of the guide dogs in the world are descendants of the casanova of the 18th century canine world, the gifted Jeremiah, to whom some quirk of nature had bestowed 2 sets of genitalia, one at either end of his body. It has been explained by Dr. Raynard Fighes-Yyde of the Saxon-Gant Institute for Guide Dogs that this is due to the presence of an anomalous chromosone within the descendants of Jeremiah "come up and lick me some time". This is unique as this chromosone has a naturally high concentration of FEHRTYIONS. This concentration causes warping of the neural pathways and so the guide dog is automatically gifted with the ability to read.
Although this was a closely guarded secret it would appear that some people knew something, how else are signs such as "No dogs except guide dogs" explained? However, due to the recession diversification is needed, and so the advanced class at Saxon-Gant is proof reading the latest erotic novels from anumber of publishers. A further class is being trained to not only read the instructions at pedestrian crossings, but to press the buttons as well. The suggestion of cross breeding with corgis to produce a royal pet with Jeremiah's characteristics has been slammed for bad taste, but it would give a new meaning to the term "nose job".

But are the authorities being complacent? No chances are taken with the dogs, who each day are topped up with chocolate cake and coffee, and only after passing the final test are they permitted to eat anything else. [Editorial note: The final test is to read the classic Lord of the Rings series cover to cover. Government plans to force a written test on The Hobbit have run into opposition from many prestigious guide dogs, and their owners.]

On the other hand unscrupulous scientists, probably chemists, have tried transplanting the Jeremiah chromosone into other species, with disastrous results; who will ever forget the Brentford pet shop massacre, where the eastern branch of the revolutionary Marxist-Illingworth animal rights movement ("A pet is not just for life, but has a higher destiny and intelligence than its measly owner, and could bat better than the England team") ended by the suicide of Tiddles Khan and his hench creatures Fido Hitlum and Butch Lusardi and the subsequent forced delousing of the Croyden Junior goldfish eaters club and parents association?

But what is the Fehrton? Previous publications have referred to the Fehrt-Midlin interaction, and new research indicates that this is produced by a certain type of sub-atomic particle ("or wave, depending on day, number of people in the room, and what the damn thing feels like" [Bore's guide to the atom vol II, the piddling small things that nobody cares about]). These particles, called quarks, build up to form larger, more complex particles. Although for years only six quarks were believed to exist 2 more have been discovered. The aim of scientists had been to find the heavier quarks by colliding particles together at higher and higher velocities and seeing what came out. (The earliest form of these experiments was recently recreated by those two famous scientific impersonators Michael Schumacher and Damon Hill.) However, Thomas Alphonz III took a different view, and looked for lighter particles by accelerating particles away from each other, leading to the new quarks Herbert and lemmyng. These ultra-light p articles caused a controversy amongst scientists, resulting in the infamous attack on Alphonz, at the Sodding-Epbury university (formerly known as the Sodding Epbury nursery school and massage parlour), by a crazed fairly famous scientist, which was sadly fatal for Alphonz. What remains of his work is summarized here.

The two new quarks have accompanying neutrinos called clarence and splat. The Fehrt-Midlin interaction is propagated by a particle linking molecules known as the fehrtyon. This is thought to have been observed, but again the scientific community is split. Two different views exist of the Fehrtion, as shown below.

Many feel that the 2 views cannot be resolved. The son of Alphonz III, Thomas Alphonz IV has suggested that it is possible for both to be correct and that this is due to the nature of the universe. As the universe is roughly sperical in shape, it is theoretically possible to set off on a journey in a straight line and yet return to the starting position from the opposite direction, although a very very long time afterwards. Alphonz IV believes that this is essentially what has happened to the fehrtons. The first image is that of a short Fehrton, whilst the second is that of a long one, which is so large that it nearly encircles the universe completely. Although it fits the evidence, this theory has yet to be accepted by the skeptical scientific community.

On the other hand, the existance of Fehrtons has been predicted by some of the greatest minds in history; in fact, in one of his papers trying to establish a GUT, Einstein theorised that these fehrtions would have properties similar to tachyons and bloorons (**), mainly that of faster than light travel. Regrettably the paper in which this appeared was recalled by the american physics instituteand all that remains is the title in a 1923 index; "Fermi and I go camping and eat lots of nice mushrooms." For some reason this is cross-referenced with an article on the harmful effects of hallucinogenic fungi.

Unfortunately Einstein was wrong; the fehrtyon does not go faster than light in one direction, but goes around the universe the other way, thus neatly avoiding contravening the speed of light.

Recent research has also revealled that there are more food groups with high concentrations of Fehrtions. This research has explained one of the great mysteries of physics and restored reputations; it has also produced evidence of an anti-particle known as Buddy Holley. The foods are listed below.
Fehrtyons

Brie
Camambert
Wine/Champagne
Buddy Holley

Bratwurst
Hamburgers
Warm Beer
Ostrich Testicles
These facts account for the N-Ray mystery which for years has cast doubts upon the reputations of many physicists, as the telling facter in the N-Ray investigation now seems to be the diet of the experimentalist, as follows. Fehrtons and Buddy Holley spread throughout the body, and in this case to the eyes; here the different properties become apparent. Whilst both particles absorb light entering the eye before it reaches the retina, different wavelengths are absorbed. Thus a person with high concentrations of Fehrtions will see slightly different wavelengths to those with Buddy Holley in their bloodstream. Furthermore it is possible for the N-Rays to be absorbed by the anti-particles before reaching the eyes of the Fehrton carrier. An attempt to study the interactions of N-Rays, Fehrtons, and Buddy Holley failed when the Camembert and bratwurst interferometers were eaten by a hungry research student. Luckily he had beforehand eaten some cornish fudge and this prevented the volatile mixture from imploding his stomach. This is now known as the fudge factor, which every scientist should use in their experiments.

n.b. It has been noticed that several spellings of Fehrton/Fehrtyon/Fehrtion have been used; this is due to the many different languages used in science and are all interchangable. Due to strong campaigning by the one surviving member of the discovering duo, all are pronounced "MIDLINITE".

** Blooron; name given to the material used to make the "acetate" sheets used for over head projectors. These frequently move faster than the speed of light, especially when you haven't finished copying everything down off them.

Back to the Fehrt-Midlin Main Page Back to jayah's main page