At the turn of the century science in general, and physics in particular was in a state of turmoil. The discovery of x-rays had revitalised the career of some physicists (before killing them) and a young Austrian with a bad hairstyle was on the verge of a series of incredible discoveries that would turn the world into a new utopia. Unfortunately he was run over shortly after discovering the elixir of eternal life, thereby proving that if someone does exist up there, they have a hell of a sense of humour. Regrettably all this, whilst important historically, is unimportant owing to its total boredom, so let’s skip forward to the 1920s, to a small village in Germany named Berlin.

Here a group of physicists lived, worked, played, worked a bit more, got blown up, ricoched off the ceiling, and splashed down in the sink. These physicists were not bound by the rigid notions that existed; they were free to experiment, to float above the clouds, swim with the little fishes, and also consume large amounts of dubious mushrooms. A lot of theories were proposed in the drinking room of the local “Jug and Skunk”, and a lot were strange. Some disbelievers refused to accept the truth of these theories, and so they bought the drinks (except for one, who proved that a circle is a straight line, and so it was obviously never his round). As this took place in Germany these mockers became known as filler steins. Because many scientists had secluded lives a lot of the brighter physicists could only manage a single pint; many times a filler stein was heard saying “Oh, those geniuses over there? They’re just a load of ein steins”.

Many discoveries came from this varied group. The most famous is, of course, schrodinger’s cat basket. cunningly designed to keep the cat quiet . There is also the plane train combination which never quite got off the ground, the potato peeler use to bore the channel tunnel, and the blackboard duster used as a meat substitute. There are hundreds of similar breakthroughs from this group, and all but one survive unscathed through the mists of time; all that remains of this one idea is the list of apparatus required, written on the back of a beer mat. Since 1953 the Raynkoht-tri Institute has offered a prize of imperial£10 to the supplier of a sensible suggestion for the correct use of the following pieces of apparatus.

It has been noticed by many that numerous sports have phenomena which cannot be explained by ordinary means. Cricket, for example, has produced theory after theory as to why the cricket ball swings. Now each has been completely dismissed as they are all obviously wrong. What really happens is as follows.

Cricket equipment is made of traditional materials, leather. willow and so on. These have always been assumed to be used because they are the best, but a more sinister motive has been revealed by a detailed chemical analysis of one anonymous cricketer’s equipment by Thomas Alphonz IV of the Sodding Epbury university. His findings are that ball, bat, pads, and stumps are all impregnated with molecules emanating different polarity Fehrt-Midlin interactions. Ordinarily these would have little effect, but when these particles are placed in an excited state the importance is obvious. One lengthy rub in a bowlers groin and the ball fehrtons are excited and emit a highly positive field. The bat and pads also emit a weak positive field and the stumps a strong negative field, as the bails provide a constant flow. Thus the positive ball is repelled by bat and pad and attracted by the stumps, providing what is known as reverse swing in the most extreme cases.

That the cricket authorities know of this is a well known secret. Rain dampens the fehrt field so when it rains the players come off; bad light is bad as it is possible to see a slight illumination emanating from highly excited particles. Most damning of all is the refusal to swap to less active materials, as shown by the fuss over Dennis Lillee’s aluminium bat, and the Mike Gatting affair when he found the stumps in Pakistan to be treated with coffee extract to increase the power of the field.

The last piece of evidence comes from the radio commentary team who constantly appeal for chocolate cakes, hoping to fill the atmosphere with fehrtons and make charging easier.

And now the second, and slightly more serious and scientific paper, devoted to real science.

NASA scientists deny any impropriety in the revelation that both the H.S.T. (Hubble Space Telescope) and C.G.R.O. (Compton Gamma Ray Observatory) instrumentation are made entirely out of chocolate. Proffessor Alphonz IV explains; “This is proof that there is a cover-up at the highest levels; the Fehrt-Midlin interaction is actively being exploited in secret. The use of chocolate, especially a white chocolate mouse on the C.G.R.O. indicates that the Fehrt-Midlin interaction is one of the major causes of gamma rays. The mouse, S.Q.U.E.E.K. (Seriously Questionable, Undoubtedly Eccentric, Easy Kash) detects gamma rays of energies ranging from 1 MeV to 1.01 MeV, thus covering the entire range of the spectrum ignored by the less advanced instruments.

A brief background on gamma rays; these are produced by supernovae and other high energy processes, which includes the extremely high energy Fehrt-Midlin interaction. When two particles break the Fehrt-Midlin bonds linking them energy is released. In the atmosphere this energy is absorbed by the surrounding molecules and so is insignificant in all except the most extreme of cases. In space there are far fewer molecules, and thus the effects are not “damped” and a gamma ray is produced.

Previous papers have quoted figures for critical mass and this still applies in space; in fact it is even more serious here. The stellar evolution by either pp chain or CNO cycle was believed to terminate with the formation of Fe, but now it seems complex molecules can be formed in the right circumstances. Under great pressure and temperature the simpler molecules become bonded to form a chocolate core. Because of the heat this is known as a liquid centre. As soon as the critical mass (stellar critical mass=0.236 E6 tonnes) is reached the core explodes, creating a supernova, with gamma rays by the most violent Fehrt-Midlin known to exist flying across space. Because of contamination is it believed (via spectral analysis) that SN1987A had a slightly minty flavour. This release of chocolate has been happening throughout the universe, and as it cools it becomes darker; it is this cooled chocolate which is thought to be the “missing” dark matter.

Because the gamma rays are produced from dark chocolate it is hoped that the white chocolate mouse (S.Q.U.E.E.K.) will be attracted to them. The mouse is followed by T.O.M. (Trajectory Oscillating Monitor) and so the data is produced as a series of trajectories showing the orientation at an exact time.

Evidence of this being an accurate theory has been provided by the meteorite from Mars discovered recently in Antarctica. This was found to contain complex hydrocarbons initially thought to be contamination from a deranged seal. Now in a scientific exclusive it can be revealed that the hydrocarbons are an early ancestor of both chocolate and coffee; there is Fehrt-Midlin out there!