Star Wars Top ten
Here's the top ten lists. To submit one e-mail me. Thanks!
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From: David Letterman
Top Ten Surprises In The New Version Of "Star Wars"
10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner.
9. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian.
8. Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas.
7. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky mexican caddy.
6. Darth Vader's voice goes up 3 octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin.
5. Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money."
4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
3. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies.
2. New scene in which Jabba The Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons.
1. R2-D2? Gay.
From: Unknown
Top 10 Things Luke Did Between ESB and ROTJ :
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10. Learned to shoot baskets again.
9. Hit on Leia relentlessly, only to feel the need for continuous bathing by the halfway point of ROTJ.
8. Played "Ding, Dong, Ditch" with doorways on board the Medical Frigate to practice his Force skills until they kicked him out.
7. Spent days, and days, and days trying to figure out why his mom married a walking toaster.
6. One word: Whined
5. Played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" trying to get his fingers to work again
4. Waited around corners for women in dresses to walk past, then, reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe, used the Force to blow up their skirts.
3. Used R2D2 as a movie projector to watch the copy of "Debbie Does Dantooine" that Lando slipped him.
2. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those AMAZING backflips, etc...
#1 thing Luke did between ESB and ROTJ...
...Learned how to [censored] left handed!!!
From: Katy
TEN REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN STAR TREK
10. I've never heard anyone in Star Wars brag about knowing a ship like the back of his hand and then hit his head on an overhang.
9. James Earl Jones' voice is not as irritating as Majel Barret's.
8. Compared to Darth Vader, Q is just too melodramatic.
7. Compared to Vader, Khan is just too high-strung.
6. Star Wars isn't afraid to put the women in charge (ex. Leia, Mon Mothma, Admiral Daala, etc.).
5. In Star Wars, dead is dead. None of this Spock-Vulcan-resurrection bullcrap.
4. In Star Trek, to fix something you need to know about Dilythium Crystals and Anti-matter enducers and Isolinear Chips and yadda yadda yadda. In Star Wars, the only thing you need to know is that THIS one goes here, THAT one goes there!!
3. Those Ewoks aren't as annoying as those damn tribbles, plus they make better fighters too. The tribbles are only good for target practice.
2. In Star Trek, the main reason that the Borg are such a big threat is that they can adapt to laser fire, and block it. Yeah, right. Let's see how they adapt to a pissed off Wookie ripping their arms off.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON...
1. George Lucas and John Williams.
From Obi-Ben Kenoibi:
Chewie's top ten fears
10. A bottle of fleas
9. Scissors
8. A bottle of ticks
7. Dreams of buzz cuts
6. His little brother
5. Wookie termites
4. Barbers
3. Razors
2. Being Dennis Rodman's dog
1. Cabage Patch Snack Time Kids
From Jared523:
Top ten rejected improvements to Hoth base
10. A large wampa mating call on top of Hoth base.
9. Vending machines hidden in all the restrooms.
8. A docking bay designed for stardestroyers.
7. Switching the seats in the snowspeeders with toilets and adding a small
compartment for beer.
6. A large metal wall keeping anything from getting in... or out.
5. Putting superglue on all the chairs, keeping anyone from panicing and running
off in a time of crisis.
4. A large sign in the docking bay: Make sure all compartments and smuggling
units are in their upright and locked position... This sign covering up the view
screen.
3. A superlaser bigger than the one on the Death Star... Mommy, why is Hoth
firing at us?
2. A giant light-up sign: This is the secret rebel base. Please do not destroy.
1. A little Hallmark shop with nasty cards to send to the Imperials.
From CgHuReInS:
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars"
10. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
9. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
8. "Look at the size of that thing!"
7. "Sorry about the mess..."
6. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
5. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
4. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
3. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
2. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
1. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"
10. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
9. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
8. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"
7. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
4. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
3. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
2. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
1. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"
10. "Rise, my friend."
9. "Open the back door!"
8. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
7. "It's just a dead animal..."
6. "Not bad for a little furball."
5. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
4. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
3. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two."
2. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
1. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her,
Chewie."