Genesis: On the Light Side
The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this
with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather,
it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read.
For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible,
no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...
In the beginning...
Well, let's face it, nobody really knows exactly what happened in the
beginning. So to avoid controversy, let's move on...
...and G-d said, "Let us make man in our image and likeness," And feminists
everywhere took offense at this, saying, "And what of woman?" at which
point G-d responded by creating woman as a "helpmate." And again, the
feminists turned their faces upwards toward the heavens and asked, "But
what of equality?" and G-d replied, "I understand where you're coming from,
but man isn't ready for that yet. Believe Me. I'm half woman."...
...And G-d made man and woman, both male and female made He them for male
and female both made did She, G-d, that is, in His making. (Check out the
text, Genesis 1:27. It really reads like this!) And G-d placed them in the
Garden of Eden. And G-d spake unto them, saying, "All of the bounty of the
Garden ye shall surely consume, save the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
"From the tree of knowledge ye shall not taste, lest my wrath grow large
and, well, it won't be pretty."
But Eve did eat from the tree of knowledge and so too did Adam. And it all
went pretty much down hill from there as one could expect...
...And the Lord spake unto Man and Woman, saying, "The ire of the Lord hast
thine irked." And did the Man and the Woman fall upon their knees and say,
"See, we never know when you're kidding." Still the Lord, being omniscient
and all, was not impressed and continued, saying, "Ye shall be banished
from the Garden of Eden and be forced to work the land in back-breaking
labor, or perhaps telemarketing." And they were banished to the land East
of Eden (later to be inhabited by their descendent James Dean)...
...and the couple bore two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain, being of the
field, was of the field. Abel tended livestock. And Cain madeth a sacrifice
unto the Lord, bringing him produce of the field (and some real
mayonnaise). And Abel too madeth a sacrifice unto the Lord. But G-d
accepted only Abel's offering. And Cain became enraged and stomped around
grumbling, "Good for nothing farshtunkiner Abel," and rose up and hacked
his brother to pieces. And G-d's voice shone down from the heavens, saying,
"Abel, oh Abel, wherefore art thine Abel?" And Cain responded, "Am I my
brother's keeper?" And G-d was irked for this was not Jeopardy and question
form was not acceptable. And the Lord lay down some severe punishments for
Cain, not the least of which was a career in telemarketing...
...And as the generations begat generations and they begat generations,
humankind filled the earth, and many people began to wonder what the word
"begat" really meant. And humankind became an abomination in the eyes of
G-d, for they respected not their fellows and did murder and did steal and
did plunder and did play bad 70's music... But Noah was a man of G-d. And
G-d spoke unto Noah, saying, "Build for thee an ark and take of every
animal and every fowl and every creepy-crawly two, both male and female,
onto the ark, for it will rain for 40 days and 40 nights, and lo, the
sewers shall back up." And speaking further G-d spake, "Warn the people of
the land and bid that they repent, lest the flood shall surely consume
them." And Noah warned and built, built and warned, and lo the rains came,
and the earth was submerged and the people drowned, save those that were in
the ark. And after 40 days and 40 nights, the rains subsided and Noah sent
out a raven to see whence there was land and
the raven went aflying,
spying for the land
thought lost forevermore
But Noah's patience was he trying,
for the earth was still not drying
for drying was not yet in store.
On the raven Noah stopped relying
And started on implying
that the Raven was not trying
- and you won't get this unless you've
covered Edgar Allen Poe in Lit 101 -
just a friendly warning -
not trying to alert him as he'd
bid him to before
so a dove was sent a flying
and some land-info supplying
supplying an olive branch
to prove there was now both sea and shore
and G-d promised..no floods.
Quoth the raven,
"Nevermore."...
...And yet again man rebelled against G-d and rose up as one to build a
tower to reach the heavens. And G-d said "Verily shall I bring a flood to
destroy the- Wait a minute. I promised not to do that any more, didn't I?
Darn!" And G-d smote the tower and dispersed man to the four corners of the
earth and unto every land bestowed a different language, saying "I shall
create diversity and multiculturalism and it shall be a bane and a plague
on their existence - up until the 20th century, when they will finally get
some use out of it."...
...Many generations later, there was Abraham. And Abraham saw the stars and
the sand and the home-shopping network and said, "Lo forsooth, what for!
All this could not have happened by itself. Thusly, all of the world's
bounty must come from one single source." (According to the Midrash - a
part of the Torah transmitted orally and later written down.) And Abraham
rode for many days on his camel, declaring, "Ho there, I have discovered
monotheism." And the Middle East Enquirer did pick up the story and quoth,
"Man claims: Aliens revealed to me there is but one G-d." And did the
stand-up comics of the day mock Abraham in their monologues and the people
laugh, saying, "One G-d? That idea will never catch on!"...
...And Abraham did many good deeds for the people, and his house was always
open to strangers, and he taught the men of the nature of G-d. And Sarah
did teach the women (for lo, co-education had not yet been invented)...
...And G-d spake unto Abraham, saying, "Go forth from the land of thy
birthplace, from the land of thy ancestors, from the land of thy home, in
which you dwell. Go unto the land which I shall tell you." Quoth Abraham,
"What, Uganda?" Quoth the Lord, "Go to Canaan." And speaking further, G-d
spake, "Behold, ye shall be the father of a nation more numerous than the
stars in the sky and this nation shall enter the land of Canaan and the
whole shebang shall be called Israel, save a portion of the south, which
shall sometimes be called Egypt." And Abraham and Sarah and Lot, his
nephew, packed their bags and moved to the Galilee...
...And Abraham was 99 years old when G-d spoke to him, saying, "I must have
a covenant between you and me, the Lord, your G-d. Take unto thee a knife
and clip thy foreskin as a covenant unto me." And Abraham did so, and spake
unto the Lord saying, "Ouch!" And Abraham wanted to invite men to his house
to show them good hospitality (for lo, the day was hot and none had left on
the air-conditioning). And Abraham was downcast and in pain. And G-d saw
Abraham's downcast visage and sent him three angels to be his guests. And
Abraham was no longer downcast, though still in pain. And the angels said
unto Abraham, "To yourself and Sarah shall be born a son, who shall be next
in the line of the Jewish people." And Sarah overheard this and laughed to
herself, saying, "Yeah, right" for yea, verily she was ancient and thought
it farcical. And Abraham also laughed and thought to himself, "Lo, methinks
childbirth to be more painful than a circumcision at 99 with no
anesthetic!"...
...Meanwhile, in other regions of the Middle East, it was, oh, how shall we
say it?, the best of times and the worst of times. There were these two
cities, Sodom and Gemorah. Whenever there came a visitor to these cities,
if they were short, they would be stretched, and if they were tall, they
would have their legs chopped off (according to Midrash - oral tradition).
And the Lord looked down upon Sodom and Gemorah and was want to smite them.
And the Lord spoke unto Abraham, saying, "I shall toast both Sodom and
Gemorah until they are little crunchy black ashes in the eyes of the Lord."
And Abraham could not bear to see them suffer and pleaded to the lord, "If
there be even 50 righteous men among them, may you spare the cities." But
there were not 50 righteous men. And Abraham did bargain with the Lord but
lo, there were not even 10 righteous men, and the Lord smote Sodom and
Gemorah. And the visiting angels said unto Lot, Abraham's nephew, "G-d
shall smite the city of Sodom in which you live. Quick, you must flee, and
your wife too. But lo, ye are only being saved on the merit of thine uncle,
who is in the G-d business, and the Lord hath forbidden you to witness the
destruction." But Lot's wife was weak and did turn around. And so, she was
turned into a pillar of salt (proving that you didn't want to mess with G-d
in those days 'cause if you did, you sure got some weird punishments)...
...And G-d blessed Abraham and Sarah with a son whom they called Isaac. And
G-d said to Abraham, "Kill me a son." And Abe said, "No way." And G-d said,
"Way." And Abraham's faith in G-d was complete. And he did take his son
Isaac, who was to be the continuation of his beliefs, and did bring him up
onto Mount Moriah, which G-d did command, and did set about to sacrifice
him to the Lord. And Isaac said unto Abraham, his father, "Well dad, you've
just spoken to G-d on High. What are we gonna do next?" And Abraham spake
unto his son, Isaac, saying, "We're going to Disney Land." And when Abraham
had bound his only son Isaac and had made ready the knife, a voice came
down from the heavens, saying, "Have you ever had the feeling that your
sacrifices weren't turning out quite right? Ever had a bunch of deities
over for dinner and had them refuse your offerings? Well, that's probably
because you're not using New and Improved Oscar-Meyer Non-Human sacrifices.
That's right, sacrifice cows, sheep, goats and fowl instead of your sons
and daughters. We've proven through a scientific study that the only G-d
that actually exists prefers Oscar-Meyer Non-Human products over the old
human variety 100 times out of 100. Here, try it now!" And lo, a ram
wandered out of the underbrush, and Abraham did un-bind Isaac his son, and
did sacrifice the ram in his stead...
...And when Sarah heard that Isaac her son, was to be sacrificed - for the
gossip columnists had swooped down on the story like unto a flock of
vultures - she went into shock, and didst die. And Abraham did return with
Isaac from Mt. Moriah and was forced to bury Sarah, his wife, and set his
eyes upon the cave of Machpelah in Hebron to be the burial site. And did
Efron, the Hittite, who owned the cave, quoth unto Abraham, "I shall make
unto thee an offer which thou canst not refuse, for lo, we are friends,
riiiight?" And he did set the price at 400 clams. Quoth Abraham, "Heck,
what's a little extortion between friends?" and he did buy the cave...
...And Isaac had grown long of years yet had not yet found a bride. And he
did put an ad in the "personals" section of the Canaan Jewish week, so
writing, (Single Jewish Male) "Intelligent, attractive, learned man seeks
wife open to new ideas, willing to give up idolatry, mother to be
progenitor of an entire nation." And after much time, Abraham decided that
lo, he must send someone to find Isaac a bride, and spake unto his
manservant, saying, "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match, find me a
find, catch me a catch." And lo, the servant was indeed clueless as to how
to undertake such a thing and verily did he journey to a distant watering
hole and did speak to the bartender, saying "Rebecca, what fore have I to
do? I need to find for Isaac, the son of my master, Abraham, a bride. And
how might I do that?" And Rebecca said unto him, "Take thee a double, on
the house, and for thy camels too." And with that, he did jump up, saying,
"Rebecca, your small act of kindness has shown me it is you who should wed
Isaac, son of Abraham, my master," and so she did...
...And Isaac did know Rebecca in the biblical sense (as this was the Bible,
after all) and she did bear him twin sons, Jacob and Esau. And Esau was the
first born and was a hunter. And Jacob was a man of the book. And one day,
Esau did return from hunting and was so tired as to be termed "tired" and
did smell Jacob's soup and did say, "Jacob, wouldst thou be so kind as to
let me partake of your soup?" And Jacob said, "I'll trade ya my soup for
yer birthright as the firstborn." And lo, the deal was consume-ted...
...And Isaac was so long in years as to be, well, old, and lo, his eyes
couldst not see too well, and he knew that he would soon pass on. And
thinking that Esau would be the physical leader of the Jews, he called him
in to bless him. And Rebecca knew that Esau was worthy not of being part of
the Jewish people. And she did tell Jacob, "Tricketh thy father and wear
animal skin so he will think you are Esau, for Esau is hairy and your
father is blind as a bat." (Indeed, it was before the time of political
correctness and predated such terms as "visually impaired.") And while Esau
was out hunting, Jacob did tricketh Isaac as he did make himself feel hairy
unto Isaac, and did receive the blessing of the firstborn. And Esau
returned and the hoax was made apparent, and Jacob did flee for his life.
And Esau was verily ticked off, and still hairy...
...And Jacob journeyed toward the house of Laban and as the day drew nigh,
so did Jacob grow tired and was want to sleep. And Jacob put his head down
on a rock and thought, "Ooh, this is not too comfy," and commenced to
sleep. And dreaming a dream, Jacob dreamt, and there was a ladder that
extended to the heavens and angels ascended and descended. And G-d spake,
saying "Jacob, I shall be with you always, and ye shall inherit the land of
Israel, just as I have promised your father Isaac and your father's father
Abraham." And Jacob awoke, and was afraid and said, "I am afraid." And
Jacob placed there stones to mark the holy place, and they stayed for many
years and had many hit records, save the 70's which yea verily was their
bad decade...
...And Jacob journeyed thither (C'mon, we had to use "thither" at least
once.) unto Laban's house. And Jacob met Rachel, who was Laban's youngest
daughter. And Jacob said unto Lavan, "Thy daughter Rachel is fine of figure
and visage, and I wouldst like to wed her in holy matrimony." And Lavan
replied unto Jacob, saying "Ye must work for me seven years, doing many
things like chopping down a whole forest with a butter knife in a snowstorm
wearing only sandals, darning socks, killing livestock with thy bare hands,
knitting, and getting gas at the self-service island." Now Lavan did have
an elder daughter, Leah, and being that she was older, Lavan did decide to
pull a dirty trick on Jacob and put Leah under the veil in Rachel's stead.
And Jacob was mightily pleased, NOT, and did chase after Lavan, wielding a
very large and blunt goat, saying, "You dirty schnook!" And Jacob did work
for seven more years and did finally marry Rachel...
...And Jacob did love Rachel more than Leah, her sister. And Leah bore
Jacob four sons - Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. And Rachel was barren,
and did give Bilha, her maidservant, to Jacob as a concubine. And she did
concube with Jacob and did bear two sons, Dan and Naphtali. And so Leah
gave her maidservant, Zilpah, unto Jacob as a concubine. (At this point, we
suggest that you set up a chart to make sense of all the names.) And Jacob
was very happy with all the women. And Zilpah bore two sons, Gad and Asher.
And Leah, bearing further bore Issachar and Zebulun. And Rachel prayed
mightily unto the Lord that she might be with child, saying, "Wouldst I
would be with child, oh Lord!" And the Lord looked favorably upon her use
of the word "wouldst" and she became pregnant and did bear a son, Joseph.
And Jacob and his family took this time to leave Laban, establishing for
posterity the notion that living with one's in-laws, while cheap, is too
annoying...
...And Jacob was worried that Esau still wanted to kill him. And Jacob sent
Esau many presents and several Hallmark cards bearing poems. And Jacob did
pray unto G-d. And an angel did descend from the heavens and did commence
to wrestle with Jacob. And Jacob did clobber the angel, though lo, the
angel did get in one good jab at his thigh. And the angel did change
Jacob's name to Israel for he had striven with both human and divine beings
and had prevailed (which is what Israel means). And dawn did come and
Israel did meet with Esau in peace. And no one is really clear on who this
Dawn character is...
...And Jacob was dwelling in the land of Canaan, in a province whose
mayor's name was Hamor (which, as providence would have it, means donkey in
Hebrew). Hamor's son, Shechem, did rape Jacob's daughter, Dinah and did ask
Hamor to arrange a marriage between himself and Dinah. And so Hamor did
approach Jacob, saying, "Have I got the perfect match for your daughter,"
and, speaking further, "What say all of your progeny wed from the daughters
of the land?" And Simeon and Levi agreed, as long as all the men wouldst
circumcise themselves. And the men didst circumsize themselves and lo, due
to the bad angle, they did horrendous jobs, and from then on it was decided
throughout the land that circumcisions must be performed by someone other
than the party involved. And on the third day, when the men were in more
pain than even giving birth to an elephant while eating molten lead with
chopsticks, Simeon and Levi killed all the males of the city, especially
Shechem and Hamor. (Don't ask how you especially kill someone)...
...And Jacob and his family continued to journey homeward and Jacob stopped
in Beth El and there did G-d speak to him, saying, "All that the angel said
shall be true. Ye shall be called Israel and I shall protect you always, I
am the Lord your G-d. Your descendants shall inherit this land Canaan, and
shall call it Israel, except for the northernmost part, which shall some
day be called Syria." And leaving Beth El, they journeyed to Bethlehem
where Rachel died in labor. But her son, Benjamin, did not die, and he was
the last of Jacob's 12 sons...
...Now of all his sons, Jacob loved Joseph the most. And Jacob made Joseph
an amazing technicolor dreamcoat. And the brothers did become seethingly
jealous. And Joseph did further damage his relationship with them, for lo,
he had dreams at night, and he would tell them to his brothers. And Joseph
dreamt that his brother's were 11 sheaves of corn, which bowed down to a
bigger sheaf. And Joseph dreamt that the sun, the moon and 11 stars did bow
down to him and these too were his family. And it did not take Freud and
Jung to interpret the dreams, which was fortunate as they would not be born
for thousands of years...
...And although the dreams represented truth, this did not deter his
brothers from despising him and hiding his yo-yo and putting ants down his
loincloth. And lo, their jealousy became greater and when they were out in
the field, the brothers did throw Joseph in a pit, where he would languish
until death. And Joseph did shout, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" but
there was no-one to release him. But lo, there passed a wandering band of
Ishmaelites, and the brothers retrieved him from the pit and sold Joseph to
them to be their drummer, for they were not really a good band and did not
realize that percussion was not Joseph's strong point. And the brothers did
tear Joseph's coat asunder and did taint it with goat's blood, and did
bring it unto Jacob saying, "Look what has become of our grumble mumble
brother Joseph." And Jacob did reply, "Ugh," and did faint...
...And Judah did seg into a subplot and marry the daughter of Shua, a
Canaanite. And Judah had 3 sons, Er, Um and Ahem. And Um and Ahem were
nicknamed Onan and Shelah, for when Judah spoke to them, it was as if he
were merely clearing his throat. And Er married Tamar, a woman. He died.
And Judah said unto Um (Onan) "Go forth and marry Tamar for she should not
be a widow nor should she be childless." And Onan said unto Judah, his
father, "Grumble brumble," and did make plans for the wedding. But Onan
refused to impregnate Tamar and G-d's anger was great against Onan and he
did smite Onan unto death for it was not right to waste human seed. And
Judah said unto Tamar, "Thou knowest what they say, third times the charm,"
and Tamar did consent to wait for Shelah to grow unto manhood and by and
by, Judah's wife did die, and Shelah did grow into manhood. And Judah did
not give him unto Tamar for a husband, fearing that she was a jinx. And G-d
did come unto Tamar in a prophesy, saying, "The Messiah shall come from you
and a member of the house of Judah" (Midrash). And Tamar did take matters
into her own hands. And she did don stiletto heals and a leather skirt and
much mascara and fishnets, and she did stand at a well-travelled fork in
the road. And Judah did come upon the fork in the road and, not recognizing
the woman as his daughter-in-law, did cohabit with Tamar. And Judah gave
Tamar his seal, his chord, and his staff as collateral until he could
return and pay her. And in 3 months time, the widow Tamar was found to be
the size of a small Chevrolet, for she was indeed pregnant. And Judah said,
"She is a depraved sinner, and should receive the most severe punishment;
Let her watch old Howard Cossell footage until she is nigh unto death and
then let her watch some more." And Tamar said, "The man who owns this seal
cord and staff is the father." And Judah realized that he had impregnated
his own daughter-in-law, absolved her, and tooketh the blame on himself...
...Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Ishmaelites had taken Joseph unto
Egypt and had traded him unto Potiphar. And Potiphar's wife did draw nigh
unto Joseph, and did drop her hanky, saying, "Oh my, I have dropped my
hanky. Whatever shall I do?" and did make goo goo eyes at Joseph. And
Joseph's visage did commence to turn crimson and he did flee and Potiphar's
wife was frustrated and embarrassed, and spread rumors that it was Joseph
who was coming on to her. And Potiphar did throw Joseph in jail. And Joseph
did meet the baker and the butler of the Pharoah both. And the butler did
dream and did tell Joseph his dream, saying that he had seen himself giving
of wine to Pharaoh. And Joseph predicted that he would - get this - wait on
Pharaoh again. And the baker described a basket of bread perched on his
head, being eaten by swooping birds. And Joseph suggested that he smoke one
last cigarette and call a priest. And lo, Joseph's interpretations were
correct, and as the butler was leaving for his return to palace, Joseph
bade the butler make mention of his case unto Pharaoh. But lo, the butler
didst forget Joseph entirely, sending not so much as a greeting card around
the holidays...
...And Pharoah had two dreams and no one to interpret them. Suffice it to
say that there were seven skinny cows eating seven fat cows - and staying
skinny like unto the Slimfast diet plan, and seven decrepit ears of corn
eating seven lovely ones and also staying