The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -- you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son", said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, ``Oh God, I´m screwed!!!´´
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: ``No, you are NOT screwed! Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.''
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by over 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: ``Okay... NOW you´re screwed.´´
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous, he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So on the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp it.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.
4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me.
12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the Grub, Yea God.
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT<
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads . . .
SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.
The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs:"Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"
Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly sneaking in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died."
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good OLE boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that point the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet.
His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."
A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."
Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse. Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter, "What's the deal with all the clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "They keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any second."
Click The minute hand on Sam's clock moved forward one minute. Click...It moved forward another minute. "Sam must be closing on a deal right now," said St. Peter, "the minute hand on his clock moves all day long."
The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man.
" That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."
They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock but one. Where is President Clinton's kept?"
St. Peter smiled and said, "Look up there." "We use it for a ceiling fan!"
Three buddies die in a car crash,they go to heaven to an orientation.They are asked,"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you,What would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first man says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time,and a great family man."
The second man says,"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tommorrow."
The last guy replies,"I would like to hear them say...
LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!"
The guy responded"I froze to death."
"That's too bad," said the first guy,"I'm here because I had a heart attack.Yeah,I thought my wife was having an affair,so I came home early one night to see if I could catch them in the act,I searched the whole house and didn't find anyone and in my frustration,I collapsed on the floor from a heart attack."
"Well"the other guy snidely responded "Neither of us would be here if you had just looked in the freezer!"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee one afternoon,bragging to one another about their successful sons.The first woman tells her friends,"My son is a priest.When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'!"
The second catholic woman chirps in,"My son is a Bishop. whenever he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Your Grace'." The third woman says"My son is a Cardinal.When he walks into a room he is called'Your eminence'."
Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence,the first three give her this subtle,WELL...? look.finally she says "MY son is 6'2,has broad square shoulders,is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well.Whenever he walks into a room,Women just say 'Oh..My God'!"
Two Irish nuns were on their way to anew convent in the U.S. and on the plane ride over,one nun told the other that she had heard that Americans ate dogs.The other nun was rather agast,but she said, "When in Rome,Do as the Romans do..." After getting settled,the more adventurous nun said to the other that they should go try one of those dogs.So they set off and found a local hot DOG stand.Each nun ordered one and took their "dogs" to the park to eat under the trees.Finally one nun became brave and opened up the wrapping on hers. She looked at it and her face turned bright red.After what seemed like an hour,She finally looked at the other nun and said,"So what part of the dog did you get?"
One day heaven became extremely full,and something had to be done about it.So the lord told St.Peter to stand at the gate and askhow everyone had died.Only the most awful death could enter.
The first man walks up and St.Peter tells him whats happening,"you see"he says"Heaven is quiet full today, So I have to ask everyone how they died,if its good, then they can enter if not then you go to hell."
" O.K" the man says"Well,for a while I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me.And today I decided to leave work early,and catch her.Sure enough,I got to the apartment building and she was laying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him.Then I remembered,we live on the 25th floor,and we have a balcony!And there was this man hanging off of my balcony!I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go,so I ran and got a hammer and beat until he fell into the bushes below.I saw he was still alive so I got the refridgerator and pushed it over the edge on top of him.But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack,and I died."
"WOW!"St.Peter said,"That really is bad! You can go on in..."The next man walked up and St.Peter gave his heavens full speach.
"O.K." the second man said,"See I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building,and everyday I do exercises on my balcony.Well,today I fell over the edge, but luckily,I caught the railing of the balcony below me, suddenly,this man came running out and started beating at my hands.He ran back innside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with a hammer and beat my hands again.I finally fell off,but as luck goes I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life.But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his refridgerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me.And now I am here!"
"WOW,thats a good one too!You can go ahead in..."The third man walked up and St.Peter again gave his speach about heaven being full and the man had to tell his story about how how died.
"O.K."the third man said."I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inide of a refridgerator..."