A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular.
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!!!"
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal. He flew down and ate and ate and ate. When he decided that he had eaten enough, he tried to fly away. But he had eaten too much, and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall of the barn. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong. The fly dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
You won't be surprised to learn that like any good fable this one has a moral.
The moral of the story is:
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other:
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry,son.Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!"
The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?"
"A horsy," one child answered.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy," replied another youngster.
"And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now children," she coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!" said one little girl. "It's a horny SOB!!!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:To show the armadillo it could be done!
One fall day, a guy is out raking leaves and he notices a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse is a second hearse, and behind that is a man walking sadly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. The guy is intrigued, so he goes up to the man following the second hearse, and he asks him, "Who is in that first hearse?"
Man says, "My wife."
Guy says, "I'm sorry. What happened to her?"
Man says, "My dog bit her and she died."
Guy then asks, "Who is in the second hearse?"
Man says, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Guy says, "Can I borrow your dog?"
Man says, "Get in line."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
The Parrot and the Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
The snail says, "What the heck was that all about?"
**HELP WANTED**
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
" A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie.
Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!
On her Birthday, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is -- some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is -- a box of candy." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No" the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No" the boy replied. The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
the blond cow said to the other cows in the padock, have you all heard about that mad cows decease going around, and they said don't talk to us about it we are just rabbits !!!!!!!
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather and rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with piercings an his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old geezer.? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah! Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow.The horse fell into a mudhole,He told the chicken to run to the farm and get the farmer to come get him out.
Upon reaching the farm the chicken discovered that the farmer was nowhere to be found.so he jumped into the farmers Mercedies and raced back to the meadow.He jumped out,tied a rope to the bumper and threw the other end to the horse,and pulled him to safety.
A few days later the horse and chicken were once again playing in the meadow,and the chicken fell into the mud. He told the horse to get the farmer to help.
The horse said "I believe I can reach across and help you" He stretched out across the mudhole and said to the chicken,"OK,grab my thingy" the chicken did and the horse pulled her to safety.
The moral of this story...
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedies to get the chick!!
Two guys go hunting.Jerry has never gone hunting,while Joe has hunted all his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods,Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a bloodcurdling scream.
He rushes back to Jerry and yells,"I thought I told to be quiet!"
Jerry says,"Hey,I tried.I really did.When those snakes crawled over me,I didn't make a sound.When that bear was breathing down my neck,I didn't make a peep.But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?'I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
The seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says. "Well, Yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, Yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah...... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"