A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on, when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde.
"I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The idiot called back."
A blonde appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. The gate keeper said there was a test that had to be passed before continuing to paradise, and that the test consisted of three questions.
The blonde said, "Go ahead, ask the questions."
"O.K." said the angel. "For the first question, tell me which two days of the week begin with the letter T."
"That's easy", said the candidate for admission. "Today and Tomorrow."
"Hmmmm", said the angel. "Well I can't argue with that. Now for the second question, tell me how many seconds there are in a year."
"There are twelve", said the candidate.
"Twelve?!" exclaimed the angel. "How do you figure that?"
"Well, there's January second, February second, March second, etc."
"O.K." mused the angel. "For the third question, tell me God's first name."
"God's first name is Andy."
"Oh? What makes you say that?" asked the angel.
And the candidate replied, "It's right there in the song." (the candidate begins singing an excerpt from the hymn, "In The Garden") "And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own..."
This blonde lady taxi driver was just sitting in her cab in the middle of a bad blizzard when her dispatcher told her to go to airport for a fare.
She replied that it was snowing so hard she could only see 5 ft. So the dispatcher told her to ask the next plow truck driver if she could follow him..thinking that was a good idea she called on her CB radio to the next plow truck, "Is it OK if I follow you" to which he responded, "Sure if ya want to blondie."
After about 2 hours he called on the radio and asked "You still there?" she said "sure am" and then he said well I`m almost done with Wal-Mart ya want to follow me to K-mart too?"
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes, went home one evening and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some dumb guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.
She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do:"I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you; what's the capital of Wyoming?"
"W", she answered.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere seconds away from unconsciousness when....
The Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
Two Blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second Blonde said, "Let me look!"
The first Blonde handed her the compact. The second Blonde looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy of course it looks familar, it's me!"
A blonde was cooking dinner for her boyfriend one night when she accidentally started a fire. She quickly ran to the phone and called the fire department.
"Come quick, there's a fire at my house!" she said.
The dispatcher asked, "How do we get there?"
The blonde replied, "Duh! The Big red truck!"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly,from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappucino,and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"
Well, the blondes finally got together and got back at the brunettes. Here's their revenge :
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
What's a brunette's mating call?
" Has the blonde left yet? "
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation!
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - *poof* - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room,stand before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. " *poof* The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive. " *poof* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." *poof!
Q:Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons?
A:Blonde men are stupid too!
Q:How do you make a blond laugh on Monday morning?
A:Tell them a joke on Friday evening!
Q:Why did God create blonds?
A:Becaouse sheep can't bring beer from the fridge!
Q:Why did he create Brunettes?
A:Neither could the blonds!
Q:What do you call a smart blond?
A:A Brunette with a really bad hangover!
Q:What else do you call a smart blond?
A:What's that?
Q:Why can't the blond make cool-aid?
A:She can't figure out how to get water into the little pacage!
Q:What do you give a blond that has everything?
A: Penicillin!
Q:Why did the blond get so excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
A: Because the box said from 2-4 years.
What do you call a cold blonde?
A frosted flake!
One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blond wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying. He said, "Honey, what's wrong?" She said between sniffles, "I...I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."