HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked. With Beer.
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?".
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink..."
Father: "When you go back to your mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that now that you are 18 this is the LAST check she will ever see from me for child support. Then stand back and watch the expression on her face."
Daughter: "OK"
Later that evening...
Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that now that I am 18 this is the LAST child support payment he will ever make to you. Now I am supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that HE IS NOT your father. Then stand back and watch the expresion on HIS face..."
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to
their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom, praying.
"So what are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the religious young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance!"
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Theres an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman,"For 5 dollars,I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there; For 10 dollars,I'll have sex with you on that couch, But for 20 dollars,I'll take you to my room,light a few candles,and give you a night of passion,you'll never forget!"
The woman considers this a moment and then after fishing through her purse,and produces a 20 dollar bill.
The man says"So,you want the romantic night in my room,eh?"
"NO"replies the woman"I want 4 times in the rocker!"
A man and woman were in bed having wild,passionate sex one day.Suddenly they heard a car in the driveway.
"Oh,my God,"she screamed"It's my husband!Quick,get in the bathroom!"
The husband comes into the bedroom,looks at his wife and says"Honey,Why are you in bed naked ,in the middle of the day?"
She replies"Well, I was waiting for you.I want to make love all evening!"
He tells her to let him take a quick shower first,and heads to the bathroom.He is startled to find a naked man there."Sir"he says"what are you doing in my bathroom?"
The man stutters out "I am an exterminator,I am getting rid of moths."
The husband says"But sir,Why are you naked?"
The man looks down stunned and exclaims, "Why,Those nasty buggers!"