A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his fatherfor help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I'll demonstrate it for you.Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps."
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."
A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because, women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%: Wedding cake
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up.... suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle.
Master, I may grant you one wish, says the genie with a smile.
Hey, woman... don't you know who I am ... I don't need no woman give me nuttin, barks Rodman.
The genie pleads...But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever.
Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all...he says, Ok, ok...I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning. So just do it. (giving the genie an evil glare) Now leave me alone he screams.
So the annoyed genie says So be it and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600. aweek.
When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".
Ole' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ole' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A man goes to the doctor and complaints that no medicine helps him with his migraines. "When I have a migraine," says the doctor," I go home and soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, the headache is gone. Try it and come back in six weeks time....
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "It worked!", he exclaims. "I've had migraines for years, and no one's ever helped me before! "
" Glad to help you", says the doctor.
" By the way", the patient adds, "you have a really nice house!
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."
The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, OK "Done."
And he became a woman.
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"Oh he just said you're going to die," she replied.
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his thing.. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way
'Take a clean dish'".
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends _5,000 and feels really good about the result.
The next morning, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's really feeling good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As no one else was around the man agreed and let her slip her hand down his pants. Two minutes later the old lady says, "OK, done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "Incredible! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab our clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
A woman was in the middle of hard labor;
the doctor told the couple that they had invented a new machine that would transfer the pain from the mother to the father,which would make deliveries easier on the new mothers.
Since the pain was so extreme they decided to give it a try.
The doctor explained that since the pain would kill a man that it would be best to start at 10%.So he hooked the machine up and turned on 10%
the husband said "hey doc,this is nothing turn it upo more."
so the doctor turned it up to 30%.
he asked "ok how is that?" the mom to be said "oh that is felling much better."
the husband said"I still don't feel anything you can give me more, I feel great!"
So the Doctor turned the machine to 50%
The husband said ah... this is nothing turn it on up if you want to."
The Doctor couldn't believe this but he turned it all the way up to 100%.
the baby was born and all were happy
The next day the couple took the baby home from the hospital and found the mailman dead on the front porch!
Goldberg was in a bar having a drink with a chinese man,
suddenly goldberg jumps up and knocks the shit out of the chinese guy,
the chinese guy gets up and says "what the hell was that for?"
"that was for pearl harbor" says goldberg.
"FOT PEARL HARBOR" shouts the chinese man i am chinese not JAPANESSE"
Golberg says "chinese japanese whats the difference?" they resume their drinking soon the chinese man stands up a knocks
Goldberg clean off his stool,as Goldberg picks himself up he says
"well what was that for?"the chinese guy says "that was for sinking the titanic!
"sinking the titanic" screams goldberg,"the titanic was sunk by a iceberg!"
the chinese gut looks at him and calmly says "Iceberg-Goldberg whats the difference?"
This old man walks into a bank and says to the teller;"I wanna open a damn checking account in this f---ing bank."
The teller is shocked and says to him "What did you say to me?"
"I said I want to open a damn checking account,Are you f---ing deaf or something?"
The teller turns and goes to get her manager.He listens and agrees with the teller that she should not have to tolerate such language.He returns with her to the window and ask the man what the problem is.
He replies "I just won 50 million dollars in the lottery and I wanted to open a f---ing account in this damn bank!"
"I see,"said the manager "And this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"
Q:How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A:He's breathing!
Q:How are men and parking spaces alike?
A:All the good ones are taken!
Q:What is Rowe v/s Wade to a man?
A:Two ways to cross a river!
Q:How stupid are men about money?
A:Only a man would buy a 500 dollar car,and put a 4,000 dollar stereo in it!
Our story begins at the olympics,specifically,the wrestling event.It is narrowed down to the Russian and the American for the 'GOLD MEDAL'.
Before the final match,the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said,"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has.Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold,if he does,you're finished!"The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now to the match;
The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening.All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd,and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost.He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly, there was a scream,a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to see the Russian fly up into the air.The Russians back hit the mat with a thud,and the American weakly collapsed on top of him,getting the pin and winning the match!
The trainer was astounded!When he finally got the American wrestler alone,He asked,"How did you ever get out of that hold?No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered,"Well,I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold,but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.I thought I had nothing to lose,so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could!You would be amazed at how strong you get when you bite your own balls!!!"
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices he is being watched by a midget.Although the little fellow is staring at him intently,the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it,and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"WOW"comments the midget,"Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen,I know this is a rather strange request,"says the little fellow,"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled,but seeing no real harm in it,he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out,gets a tight grip on the mans balls,and says,"O.K.,Hand me your wallet,
or I WILL JUMP OFF THIS LADDER!"
One night,a police officer was staking out a rowdy bar for possible violations of th D.U.I. laws.At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,trip on the curb,and try his key in 5 different cars before he finally found his.Then,he sat in the front seat fumbleing around with his keys for several minutes.Everyone left the bar and drove off.Finally,He started his engine and started to pull away from the curb.
The officer was waiting for him.He stopped the driver, read him his rights,and then gave him a breathalizer test.The results showed o.o,The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be right.
"Well"said the driver,"Tonight,I am the Designated Decoy!"
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them!
What did God say after he made Adam?
" I can do better than this!"
Then he made Eve!
Q:Do you know the real reason why Moses wondered through the desert for 40 years?
A:Because even way back then,Men wouldn't stop and ask for directions!
One day Mr.Jones called home to speak with his wife.
The phone rang and rang,finally a out of breath maid answered,"Hello Jones residence"
Mr.Jones asked"may I speak with my wife?"
"I am sorry,sir"said the maid"she is in the bedroom with the doctor,and cannot be desturbed!"
Mr.Jones got very upset at this and angily told the maid"since that is my house and I pay your salery I expect you to do as I instruct.Do you understand me?"
"Yes Sir"replied the frantic maid"What would you like me to do?"
"Look in my top left desk drawer,there you will see a gun,take the gun,go up stairs and shoot them both, then come back to the phone I will wait for you!"
The nervous maid done as she was told,and came back to the phone,"O.K. sir,I did exactly what you told me,what should I do now?'
Mr.Jones said"very good,now take the gun,go behind the house, and throw it just as hard and far as you can into the lake!!'
"But sir,"cried the maid"we don't have a lake behind the house!"
"WHAT!" screamed Mr. Jones "isn't this 555-3896!"
This is one for the men!
And then there was woman!
God and Adam were in the garden talking one day.
God said,"Adam,I have been thinking,You need a mate,
I have the most wonderful,perfect creature for you
but it will cost you a arm,a leg,and a kidney."
Adam looks at God ans replies,"Gee God,thats awful
thoughtful of you,but that is a very high price to pay,
I don't think I am up to it."
As they walk along Adam is lost in thought.Suddenly,
Adam says "God,What can i have for a rib?"
There was this guy and he was alking along the side walk dragging his left leg.Then he spotted another man dragging his left leg too.They approached each other and one said, "Vietnam 1969."The other man said,"Dog doo, about a block back!"