Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"
I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water and tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters and busboys had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks, I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered. Then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of our dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah," he began, in a quieter tone, "not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's Room, too."
"How's that?" I asked.
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the washroom by over 93%!"
"Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.
She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.
The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
The former kindergardners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words" she'd always remind them. she asked Sally what she had done over the week-end.
"I went to visit my Nana"
"NO,you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.Use 'big people' words!!"
She the asked Eddie what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."he said.
"NO,you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!!"
She then asked Jonny what he had done.
"I read a book."he replied.
"Thats wonderful" the teacher said."What book did you read?"
Jonny thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said.. "Winnie The Shit."
In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
The teacher had given the high school class an assignment and was stressing the importance of this particular assignment. In fact, no excuse would be acceptable for not finishing on time except serious illness or a death in the family.
The students thought this over and then a smart-ass piped up with, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The whole class broke out laughing and when they settled down the teacher responded, "Well, I guess you'd have to learn to write with your other hand."
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:
1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...
So, look again...It now says:
Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"
How you can tell when it's going to be a rotten day:
1)You wake up face down on the pavement.
2)You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
3)You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4)You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
5)Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6)You want to put on clothes you wore home from the party and there weren't any.
7)You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
8)Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9)Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
10)Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
11)Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
12)The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
13)You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
14)You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
15)You income tax check bounces.
16)Your pet rock snaps at you.
17)Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.
the comeback of the century...
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, Resident of wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedlystated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson."I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson went on a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night,Holmes said,"Watson,look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said,"I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said,"And what does that tell you?"
Watson says,"Astronomically,it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Theologically,it tells me that God is great and that we are small and Meteorologically,it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.What does it tell you?"
Holmes replies,"Watson,You dickhead.Somebody stole our tent!"
A prominent Doctor and his small daughter were driving on the expressway, His stethoscope was on the seat between them.
He watched as his daughter picked it up,and placed it into her ears.He smiled to himself in the self satisfied way fathers do,and thought to himself,look at her, 4 years old and she is already following in my footsteps.
As he turned his attention back to the road...his daughter picked up the round end put it up to her mouth and said "Welcome to McDonalds,May I take your order."
This is a little diddy that went around when I was still in school!
I'm sure you can imagine,
It's as simple as can be,
the place is rather common,
the players,he and she.
She whispers,"will it hurt?"
"of course not" He replies.
"Its just a simple process,
now,lay back and close your eyes."
She says"I'm rather frightened,"
"I've never done this before."
He tried to convince her
It wouldn't hurt much more.
"Now calm yourself"he said
with a gentle grin,
"now, open slightly wider,"
"so I can stick this in."
Suddenly,with a jerk
she gave a little shout,
Thank goodness
It's over now
He finlly pulled it out
Now if you read this carefully,
He is a dentist, you will find
It's not what you've been thinking
It's just your dirty mind
A classroom of first graders was learning the'Pledge of Allegiance',and the teacher was trying to get them to cross their hearts.
All of them seemed to have mastered this as well as saying the pledge,except one little boy in the back of the room.Everytime the children crossed their hearts,the little boy put his hand on his buttocks.
The teacher realized the confusionn and asked him about it.The little boy explained he was putting his hand on his heart.
The teacher realizing the continued confusion asked the little boy for an explanation.
The little boy explains with total confidence,"It must be my heart,every time my grandma comes over, she gives me a great big hug and pats me back there and says bless your little heart."
A four-year-old girl was at the pediatrician's office for a check-up. As the doctor looked into her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent.
Next the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.
He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in here?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
How to annoy other people...
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme!
You know you are a mom when....
You can't bear the thought of you sons first girlfriend!
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" . Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Return to Index