I Just had to add this!!!
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well, Well, Well, I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"
Hilary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.
When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hilary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hi Bill".
It is the last day of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question"
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven years ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said "Abraham Lincoln" The teacher said, "Thats right Susie. You can go". Johnny was Mad...
The teacher asked, "Who said "I Have a Dream" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said that's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said that's right Nancy. You can go".
Johnny was BOILING MAD
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said "I wish these itches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said. "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a flight recently. After the plan was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "M'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, I'm sorry, Ididn't realize there was a choice"
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan!
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the heck is Bill Clinton?!"
Clinton was jogging in a seedy part of town when he passed a prostitute.
She called out "50 dollars"
He replied "5"
She passed him by as to cheap.
The next day jogging,he passed her again and she called out "50 dollar" he said "to much 5"
she said "no thanks!"and went on her way.
Soon Hillery decided she should get in shape,so she went jogging with Bill.
As they rounded a corner they ran into the same prostitute."See what you get for 5"she yelled.