It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house". The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said; Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.....
A woman goes to the doctor. After examining the woman thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed. "I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold or you're pregnant."
"Oh," says the woman, "I must be pregnant--I don't know anyone who could have given me a cold."
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it,she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all,said: "So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He wa becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!".
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and complains:
"I thought you said I had another 30 years.
"Sorry," God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied, "Look at that--when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. And when I got to be 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you" she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much" she said."But, it has my husband pretty upset."
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until a bad witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother; where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't fucking think so."
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. Now - is it okay if I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for HOURS-wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite, passionate love. Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the other.
The telephone rings and, because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Buh-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
" Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving -- call 1-800-***-****."
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
THREE WISE WOMEN!
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
A man was driving down a very curvey road,When he noticed another car comming from the other direction.As the car got closer he noticed that the very pretty woman driving didn't take her eyes off of him.
As she came up even with him,She looked him in the eye, and screamed "PIG!"
Angry and put out he yelled back,"BITCH!"and as he rounded the curve,he ran right into a very large pig!
The lesson here being...she may have been a bitch,
But she knew what she was talking about!
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.
The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cennt a word.
She pauses,reflects and then says,"Well,then,let it read,Fred Brown Died."
Amused at the womans thrift, the editor says,"Sorry mam, there is a 7 word minimum for all obituarys."
Only a little flustered,she thinks this over and in a few seconds says,"In that case,let it read,"Fred Brown died-1983,Pick-up for sale."
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother,who was in her 50's to the gynocologist.After dropping her mother off,she and her daughter ran a few errands,then returned to the doctors office.
While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups,the doctor remarked,"My,don't we look pretty today."as hhe performed his examination.
The lady was quiet shocked,but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up,she was quiet upset.The following conversation ensued:
Mother:Do you know what that doctor said to me?He said,"Don't we look pretty today",while he was looking between my legs!Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter:NO! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hair style or something?
Mother:Well,it still wasn't appropriate or professional.I wonder if it could be sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter:I don't know.Were you embarassed?
Mother:I was very embarassed.I used some of your FDS this morning,and he may have smelled that,but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter:I don't have any FDS.
Mother:Why,sure you do!In the blue can that was on backof the toilet.I used some before the appointment..
Granddaughter:OH,Thats my Barbie Golden Glitter Hairspray!
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .well . ..unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ."
"Yes yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"