Subject:  Mushrooms

"I was maried 3 times" explained the man to a newly 
discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. 
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd 
wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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Subject:  Barbies

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes 
that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought 
her anything.  Out of the corner of his eye he sees a shopping 
mall. Knowing it was now or never, he pulls his car through 
three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the 
mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside 
and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked 
what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll."  The shop 
assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending 
manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks 
"Which Barbie would that be, sir?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have 
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for 
$19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the 
Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, 
and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

The man can't help himself, so he asks, "Why is Divorced 
Barbie $265 when all the other Barbies are selling for 
$19.95?"

"That's obvious!" says the assistant. "Divorced Barbie comes 
with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ..."

======================================================================

Subject:  Jim

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband 
always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, 
and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that 
cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

======================================================================

Subject:  Neutered
     
An old woman was sitting alone with her cat, polishing a 
dusty lamp she'd found in the attic, when a genie popped 
out and offered her three wishes. Thinking quickly, she 
said, "I'd like to be rich. I'd like to be young and 
beautiful again. And I'd like my cat to turn into a 
handsome prince."
     There was a puff of smoke, and she found herself young
and glamorous, surrounded by riches. The cat had disappeared,
and a gorgeous prince stood beside her, holding out his 
arms.  She melted into his embrace. "Now," he whispered 
softly in her ear, "aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

======================================================================

Subject:  Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl 
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in 
white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is 
the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to 
explain, keeping it simple.

The child  thought about this for a moment, then said, 
"So why's the groom wearing  black?"

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