Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
Daniel Radcliffe, Robbie Coltrane, Rupert Grint; d. Chris Columbus; B

One day Harry Potter and I encountered each other at a water cooler.

Harry Potter: Hi.

Me: Hi.

Harry Potter: What's up?

Me: Nothing much.

Harry Potter: Did you know I'm a wizard?

Me: If I didn't know you were a wizard that would mean I was in a coma for the past few years.

Harry Potter: That would be a correct assessment.

Me: I saw your movie.

Harry Potter: Did you enjoy it?

Me: Well, er, ah... Yes it was good, but I can tell that it could have been so much better.

Harry Potter: How so?

Me: Well first I think Chris Columbus was a poor choice as director. I loved Home Alone, and sure the guy has had a lot of hits, but was he really ideal to direct something that clearly wasn't in his feild? His direction was so boring, so distant, so uninviting! Couldn't they have gotten someone like Tim Burton? Stephen Speilberg (why didn't they let him have his Osment)? They could've created mood, they could have created excitement! The movie was supposed to be magical but instead it was one long cinematic muggle, and it's all because of Columbus's dull direction.

Harry Potter: Well I don't think any of them were compatible with J.K. Rowling. Did you like the boy who played me?

Me: No. Just because he looked like you didn't mean he was the best choice.

Harry Potter: Have faith in him. He may get better in my second movie.

Me: If he doesn't he'll have a very successful career as a teen idol. The people who played your friends were great, though. Especially Rupert Grint. He's got as much spunk as he has red hair. And those people who played your professors! All veteran British actors! It just made me feel so sorry for Radcliffe being surrounded by a cast of talents.

Harry Potter: Should I take that as an insult?

Me: Your name is Harry Potter, not Daniel Radcliffe, scarface.

Harry Potter: Take it anyway I like, then?

Me: If you want. You know what I didn't like about your movie?

Harry Potter: Besides Daniel Radcliffe and the direction? The script? The score?

Me: Bingo.

Harry Potter: How can you hate the script if you haven't read the book? And how can you hate someone as classic John Williams?

Me: I can hate the script because it's written with the least imagination possible, and I can hate the score because it was written with the least imagination possible. I shouldn't be going to a movie, based on a book I haven't read, and come out saying "been there, done that."

Harry Potter: Why don't I get the feeling that you enjoyed this movie very much?

Me: Your movie was very enjoyable but very flawed. It was surely solid enough not to go down in my history with Planet of the Apes or Tomb Raider.

Harry Potter: I'm greatfull for that.

Me: As you should be, but I have to get going. Let's have this conversation sometime later on.

Harry Potter: Lord of the Rings?

Me: Will you be away for that long?

Harry Potter: I never go away.

Me: Neither does Lord of the Rings. Ciao, I'm going to Burger King.

- The End -