Jurassic Park III (2001)
Sam Neil, William H. Macy, Tea Leoni; d. Joe Johnston F

Dear Mr. Stephen Speilberg,

First things first, kudos on your fine summer release, A.I. Artificial Intelligence. I know some people, specially people my age, disliked it, but I thought it was a very good film. I’m afraid I’m not too familiar with your work, and nestly I was a bit afraid to try out anything of yours in recent years because of the lashing you get from many film buffs for being a sap king.

Now, I must tell you something about myself. I have noticed that recenly I have become less tolerable of certain things. I have become less tolerable of certain things people do. I have become less tolerable of certain things in movies. It shows in the cynical tone of my body language, voice, and writing. Likewise, I have also become more observant. I have been able to catch things in fastly paced movies like Moulin Rouge that no one else has. These two developments certianly relate to my reaction to Jurassic Park III. I could not tolerate Jurassic Park III, and I observed that there was something missing from it. It was you. And even John Williams. I saw both of your names on the credits, but I knew that you only provided the money, and Williams only provided themes that he had already written. You did not direct, he did not score. Instead, you, or someone else, hired two people, probably hacks as I can see from this film, to take your place. They couldn’t fill your shoes. I don’t think they could even fill your cup of orange juice.

I remember as a kid the excitement surrounding Jurassic Park. It was like Star Wars... Kind of. Then again, I don’t know about Star Wars because I wasn’t alive when Star Wars came out. But, for me, it was the closest I came to living through a kinda-Star Wars-like experience, only Jurassic Park was BETTER than Star Wars. I remember being frightened by Jurassic Park, and I remember my mother being scared by it too. But that’s not what I loved about Jurassic Park. I loved Jurassic Park because it actually took me somewhere magical and enchanting, even if that magical and enchanting place would stop being magical and enchanting to the characters when some veloceraptor came from behind them and wanted to eat them. I own Jurassic Park on widescreen VHS but haven’t watched it in a long, long time. I actually enjoyed The Lost World, even though many people wanted it to burn. Well, I want Jurassic Park III to burn. I mean, at least The Lost World had Jeff Goldblum in it, whom I had a very big crush on at the time. Plus it had Vince Vaughn, whom I have a minor crush on right now. Plus, The Lost World was actually, err, SUSPENSEFUL and the action sequences were great. And the ending was just fun(ny). Jurassic Park III didn’t have anybody remotely attractive, even though William H. Macy is attractive in his own nerdy, middle of the road kind of way. And the ending to Jurassic Park III was kinda like, I don’t know, bad? But the entire film was bad.

Mr. Speilberg, even though I loved A.I., I hated the ending. I’m sure you’ve heard that from a lot of people. When I saw it first, it really turned me off. First you sat it up like it was going to end, but it didn’t. Then, it goes on for like another thirty minutes, while one absurd thing piles on top of another. Then, the last image of the film is kinda gross in that Oedopus kind of way. Anyway, all of Jurassic Park III is like that, one dumb thing piled on top of another. Then again, when I thought about it, the ending to A.I. was alright, but compared to the ending of Jurassic Park III, the ending to A.I. was the best friggin thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

You know what, I don’t think the problem with Jurassic Park III is the director, even though it would have been better if you directed. It was the script, you know? I say that if a film sucks it’s either the director’s or the writer’s fault. Well, it was the writer’s fault for the most part. I mean, c’mon? The cell phone, the "twists," the family, the raptors... How did Dr. Grant know what the raptors were saying, anyway? I mean that stupid raptor could have been crying because he didn’t get his MTV for all we know. And why the heck are people going to eat candy that’s been sitting in a hot, dinosaur-inahibted island for how many years??? I know I have to suspend my disbelief and everything. I did that in Moulin Rouge, when two characters who should have gotten a contagous and deadly disease did not, and in A.I., when things started coming out of David’s eyes that normally wouldn’t. But Jurassic Park III sucked, y’know. I was more than willing to suspend everybody who made this film to a three-year sentence in cinema jail than I was to suspend my disbelief. The stupidest idea about this film is that you guys actually wanted to make a third one. Then again, that isn’t as bad as making a sequel to Battlefield Earth but pretty darned close to it.

My letter to you, mister, has been pretty much a ramble. I don’t know, I thought it would be best to write a ramble to you instead of actually wasting my time writing an actual review for it you know? I mean talking about the acting and stuff because it really didn’t matter. What it all boils down to is that I hated this film. The only thing I’m greatful for is that it made me realize how good a director you are, and how good a composer (composer, I didn’t say film score composer) John Williams is. I’m going to run out and rent Close Encounters of the Third Time right now!

With much love and respect, Frances.

© Vert A Go Go Reviews 2001