The Faculty (1998)
Elijah Wood, Josh Hartnett, Clea DuVall; d. Robert Rodriguez; B+

It would be my dream if, working for The Washington Post in some strange, improbable future, I were allowed to write only "LOL" as a review for a film. Si, had I been working for that prestigious newspaper in 1998, that would've been my review for The Faculty. Ah, but 'tis not my nature to write such short, unclear reviews, though only "LOL" alone would speak for itself.

It says so much, this "LOL." On the Internet, it means "Laugh Out Loud," and is only used in cases when one of the users is humored to a great extent. This phrase has also been expanded to "ROFLMAO," when one of the users is humored so much that they are in tears. If you were a read a review in a newspaper, and only saw "LOL," what, pray tell, would you think?

I? I would think that the reviewer was laughing at the movie, for, had they been laughing with the movie, they would have been inspired to waste their time on a more lengthy, detailed review.

Ah, there is much to laugh at in The Faculty. This classic slice of velveeta, written by Scream's mastermind Kevin Williamson (who, may I remind, also wrote the poor "Dawson's Creek"), and directed by Robert Rodriguez (Spy Kids), is a modern teeny version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, only this time, the people are more concerned about their transparent wardrobes and the cost of drugs than they are Sputnik. On its original release date I refused to see it because I disliked the lowbrow films Hollywood handed to us teenies; as a film buff my tastes were of a higher sort. The Faculty indeed looked like one of the poor lowbrow selections Hollywood assumed the kids would eat up like hot cakes (which they did). Alas, but on that one cold, rainy Sunday evening, when I had returned from washing clothes to discover the absence of watchable programs on TV, bit the bullet, and watched The Faculty (the logic behind it being that this may blow, but it does have Josh Hartnett in it).

The plot, which I gathered through the mess and mutilation of a script (which, it seemed, was written by Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre), concerned a malnutritioned Chihuahua named Casey (Elijah Wood), a socially rejected photographer who believes that aliens are invading his small Ohio town. Like in that bad, but good (in a bad way) Elijah Wood movie The Good Son, everyone assumes that the loner is touched in the head. Like in every movie, of course, a small group of people begins to believe him when things start to look strange.

A merry band of people who have absolutely nothing in common, nor, on any other day, would ever be in the same clique, form to fight the evil body snatching aliens: Zeke (Hartnett, master of the bad hair day), the drug dealer, who also, like any other drug dealer, knows a lot about biology; Maybeth (Laura Harris), the pure and fragile country bumpkin new girl; Stokley (Clea DuVall), the goth chick, who, like any other goth chick, has lesbian tendencies and dresses in Tommy Hilfiger; Stan (Shawn Hatosy), the jock; and Delilah (Jordanna Brewster), 21 year old high school student. Will they succeed??? I'm on the edge of my seat. Will they be taken over by aliens??? My god, the suspense! Will they die??? Do I ever hope so! And may they burn, burn like the cardboard characters they are (alas, 'twas not the ending. The ending, my friends, predictable and unsatisfactory).

I did laugh very much so at The Faculty. I will not go over how poorly written it is, though I shamefully forgot to mention its asinine dialogue, nor the direction, considering that I was too amused to notice. There is a slight possibility that I may believe that the campiness was intentional, yet there's a certain feeling you get from watching an intentionally campy film and an unintentionally campy film. The Faculty is somewhere in between.

Nay, 'tis the actors I want to talk about most. No other film have I seen that seems the most like its casting agent blindly pulled names out of a box. Hartnett's casting is fine. He is a capable actor, even in his worst of films he manages to pull off a tolerable performance. The same is here, though he would take on a better version of the druggie in Sophia Coppola's excellent The Virgin Suicides. But, I wonder, why Elijah Wood? The more I see of him, the more overrated he becomes. He was very good in The Ice Storm, excellent in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, bad in just about everything else I have seen him in. This film seems like a particular insult to his physique and his acting abilities. Could I list all the embarrassing moments this poor actor suffers here? The frequent assault on the ears caused by certain levels of his already high voice, or, better yet his laughing? His bad attempts at acting like a teenaged action hero? The fact that he is pretty much the shortest person in the cast? Had I been him, I would've sued. But, I am not him, so I laugh.

I laugh. LOL. The Faculty was perhaps the most fun I've had in years watching a movie. Both sad and good, that it's so entertaining but so bad. Alas, they don't make bad movies like this very often, they only make them bad. Camp is one of the gems of cinema, something that should be used more by filmmakers. It isn't fair that we should have to revisit the 60's and the 70's, or watch poor horror films, just to get our dose of camp. More bad films like The Faculty is a must, because they often times are more humorous than anything the latest comedians come up with.

So, I leave you with this: LOL, LOL, and ROFLMAO. These are the sounds you make most when watching movies like The Faculty.

© Vert A Go Go Reviews 2002