"God's Children on Earth" by Jennifer Terman

God's Miracle is treating fair:
and do I care the rank of you;
God's Children on Earth
poor, Rich, king
For you are you and I am me
You may walk with a cape of gold
Or wear rags from head-to-toe
But you with broken wings have no wings, but feet with the power to walk.
God will give you something left if you are in his light.
So I shall tell you you want to win and you judge by appearance you lose.
You stand in there with god, you win.
God didn't want his children to do this.
He didn't want us to look down at others
but to help others and look up to god and help those who are down to look
up into the light of god.
Amen

Critiques:

It sounds kind of like a psalm, but not in a bad way. I think I'd use more concrete examples; instead of saying "those who are down," show how they are down, where they are in life that they need the help of God. Some of your phrasings are unclear and could probably use better grammar. I know that grammar rules are not always followed in poetry, but in a piece that is this prosy, you should follow them more closely. For example, in the first line you say "God's miracle is treating fair." I think you mean to say "God's miracle is fair treatment," but it'snot really clear. I like tha part about the people who have broken wings but still have the power to walk and, I assume, redeem themselves.

Send an open critique
Send a private critique