Who took her own life on August 26, 2001





It was the furtherest thing from my mind, that my own mother would

take her own life. She had lived a hard life up until about 15

years ago, and since had gotten her act together, or so it seemed.

She was a registered nurse, and was married to a good man, and

her life seemed to be going so well. Then came the shock, of a

small letter that came in the mail, "Sorry to be telling you this way,

but your mother committed suicide, and was found Sunday morning.

Call me, I should know more...signed Grandma"

You see, my mother lived about 1500 miles away, and we didn't keep

in contact much. She had given me up when I was a baby, so she seemed

more like a long distant friend than a mother. But the shock and grief

still hit home.


Evidently, she and her husband had had an arguement, and he took off

for her to cool down, and upon his return, found her in their bed.

She was already gone, apparently of a drug overdose. And since she

was a nurse, we figured...she knew exactly what she was doing.


My immediate thoughts is that she had found that she was dying.

We had experienced the suffering and death of my Grandfather, as

he experienced lung cancer, chemotherapy, reoccurance of cancer,

complications, and the withering away of a very robust man. She

had taken care of termanally ill patients, and she saw needless

sufferings. So, in my mind, it was easier to think that she had

found she had an illness, that she decided not to be treated for.

She had made known that after watching what her own father had

went through, she would never want to go through it herself.

But the autopsy reports showed differently.


It brought me back to the thoughts of others that had

also been touched by suicides. A school friend's son stands out most

where as she had just been talking to him, and as she left his room,

heard a gun blast, and upon her return, he had passed.


Also a school aquaintance, had also taken her own life, with a pistol to her

head.

Another school friend, found dead under questionable circumstances.

Dead of a shotgun to the chest. Was it suicide? Accidently self

inflicted? Or foul play? None of these questions were answered to

the point of satisfaction.

It makes you wonder, how did they get to this point? Were we not

listening? Some seem to have their life together, with no warnings.

After talking to other family members, my Aunt had talked to my

mother about 3 weeks prior, and she said, "I should have thought".

Evidently, during their conversation my Aunt had asked her when she

planned to come up next, and she said, "I'm not". A curious answer

that wasn't caught. Mom gave no warnings other than that. So we

have to go along with the fact, that..

"Judy did what she wanted to do."

I have decided to put some links together, for those of you who have

been touched by suicide, or have been thinking about it yourself.

Those left behind are left to ask the questions:


Why?

Could I have stopped her?

What was going on, that she couldn't have come to me?

How did it get to this point?

And many more.


You experience disbelief, numbness, feeling detached, your mind gets

in a fog. You experience anger, frustration, not understanding how

you couldn't have known that they were in such bad shape. Not

understanding why they didn't reach out to you, if things were so bad.

Here are some links, that hopefully can help. Being so new at this

experience,I'm still in the disbelief and numbness stage, with a

tad bit of anger/frustation.

The disbelief that she would leave my step-father with the guilt

that so many people carry around, thinking that they were to blame.

The disbelief that she would leave her youngest daughter, who always

seemed to need her...(my youngest sister). And my sons, who loved

to spend time with "Grandma Judy"

These thoughts go through your head as well as, the sorrow of knowing

that she was feeling so lost and alone that she felt that this was

the only solution. Even though, we were not as close as other mother

and daughters, I loved her.

She was my Mother.





Survivor
AFSP
Yellow Ribbon Organization
Suicide Prevention