"I want to talk to you, but you're never around."Well, my mind wanders. And maybe my memory lapses are caused by my inattentiveness but maybe I just don't want to talk to you. Because I'm around. Maybe I just don't want to hear you anymore.
I couldn't be grey if I tried. And I do. But now...
I'm here, curled up in MY bed, with no one else.
"I can feel you shaking the bed. You shouldn't be crying. Why do you cry so much?"
You do it to me.
I want to say it but all that happens is I shake more. And then I tell you the truth. I don't know why I try.
I can't hear your voice or see your face. And my eyes hurt. Diluted mascara is running into them, all I want is to go and wash it out. I drown my face with water and stare into the mirror. Grey streaks running down my face like a soap opera. Only I'm not pretty. My face is red. My fingers are covered with smudges, raw and weak because I bite by nails. Because I'm always so nervous. Because I shake too much. That voice echoes in and out...
Why don't you like me?
I don't believe you.
I can't trust you anymore.
You must not love me.
PLEASE FEEL GUILTY.
Do it for me.
I do so much for you.
I'm barely talking now. It's all heavy breathing. And I lock the door and write you a letter that I know I'll never give you. I'm not focused on getting things through to you. I'm not focused on my penmanship. I'm not focused on blurry blue lines or my unreliable, stinging hands or you. I can't see at all. I can't hear your mumbling through my door. And I can't feel... I can't feel anything. I can't focus on feeling.
I need focus.
But everything around me is so stable... stationary... detached from everything else...
You can't hold me in your arms. And it's hard to pretend after so long.
And after so long The Process ends. Your veins stop shaking and go cold. Your eyes go dry. Your teeth can't rip at your fingers anymore. And loose eyelashes can't bother you, either.
But you're still alone.
But you haven't solved a thing.
And you still can't hear them when they tell you that they care.
And vice-versa.