Slow strain of uselessness just standing there (you can hardly feel the change), indecisive, indifferent, intrinsic. Fell in "love", beat myself and everyone else (close) to death, but you can't trust it to remain. I don't feel sorry. Or at least not yet. Slight allusions to pop-culture and the death sentence that is society. Makes you feel better or good enough so that you can stare at all the letters and replay all of the (at the time, SEEMINGLY) stupid things he said and say "Yeah, it was nice there, I should take a trip back when I get the time". You try to feel nothing. You try to stop thinking. Slow down, slow slow DOWN down kick myself pinch the nerves 'til they close off. I don't want the memories, I wanna get senile, braindamaged, I wanna get Alzheimer's and FORGET I ever regretted it at all (or maybe that I still do), I wanna make things happen, babe, with this NOTHING, this slow, sucking sound, I want things to combust into reality. We all imagined that it happened at the exact same time and then it was decided that it never happened at all. Some kind of dream, some kind of hallucination ( I blacked out, standing there that day, shook my head and walked away from the scene with so much SUAVE CONFIDENCE that you never knew anything had hit me), got me looking at things exactly the same as I had before. The same encourageable outlook, my old, overly-apologetic self. I dragged out the words until I was becoming repetetive in my apologies for giving the same lame excuses over and over again. And this whole situation, the entire inconsistent time was numb and isolated and I cursed every god and spirit ever conjured up by the human race just in case I'd been wrong all along about that sort of thing, and added in a few of my own for good measure and (this part should be predictable) it hasn't brought forth any change as far as I can tell. Drugs, drugs, (prozac) I need distraction is all, I need a full-out, mind-blowing type of apocolyptic X-day to move forward in time and come and get me now (or NOW or NOW or NOW but it DIDN'T). I need stability or nothing at all, and I don't have any stability, I don't have any guarantees so I guess what I'm asking for is chaos because we can't find a balance for one-way time and go BACK and KNOW the results and just make SURE that we've done what was (or will be) necessary for complete psycological breakdown in the future (or past). I don't wanna do what you're asking of me I don't wanna please you or get things STRAIGHT, I wanna BE 'cause right now I'm NOT. HIT ME. You don't care and if you did I'd just be too scared, too weak to wait 'til you could do so actively. I panicked I didn't ever think that I would I'd KILL for the sake of reality but I wouldn't have (not couldn't have, and I should have) just held on. Saved the anxiety, shoplifted and risked it all (you know who you are and I won't let you go away even if I'm stupid and I create distance or extra time). I hate you I hate you 'cause you said you loved me and you just HAD to mean it. I hate all of these small things, all of the technical shit. I hate the Process Of Things and what I have to go through to fucking feel. All I could do was TRY to feel in this oversized mental ward, but I just end up conjuring these images, blurry, unused for years and years until they come rushing up as trademarked Bitter Memories put through a guilt machine and sold back at a markup of 1000% and you think that you see him in some unnamed public place and you just wanna die because you were right because you stopped to talk and talk and talk and you realised that he's not yours anymore and you can't have things back the way they were when you actually liked how things were. So maybe it's the sad song (by his favorite band, nonetheless) and the hundreds of "I love you"s and how you had to be so shameless as to cover-up for yourself with complete disregard for what REALLY mattered, what coulda left you HAPPY, or maybe it's just that you wanna fess up to it but you don't.

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