9:00 o'clock. Another rerun of Las Vegas. That Molly Sims sure is a looker. 9:30. Time for the "mid-show advertising blitz." I reached for the mute button, but the screen suddenly morphed to an image of a raven-haired beauty touting some cheap car insurance. Switch to a warm, fuzzy image of a family working together on a jigsaw puzzle, with the insurance company name in 12-inch, red letters. "Our incredibly low price," Miss Raven-Hair claimed (and here we see a visually eye-appealing table of comparison figures, with Jupiter weighing in at $468, while other well-known companies are shown as eye-popping wallet breakers, ranging from $800 to over $1200).

"Cindy, you won't believe this, but I think we can save a bundle on our car insurance if we switch to Jupiter."

"You moron." Cindy has always been subtle. "Read the fine print!"

"You kidding? That print is so small that a fly with a hand lens on the screen couldn't read it! Besides, they only leave it on there for two seconds."

"Why not down load the image to our TiVo^© and you can blow it up to the size of your, well, ...member?

"That would be huge. Great idea, Cinster!!! Let's see what the fine print says!!!"

A few weeks later, after some nifty digital camera and Photoshop^© manipulations, and a lot of Sambuca^©, I had compiled some very interesting examples of "fine print." You would be surprised. The auto insurance ad, for example?

Semi-annual premium. $10,000 deductible. Collision insurance only. $10 medical payments to others. Four-door Kia sedan typically shown. All other vehicles higher. Prices guaranteed for in the state of Nevada only. Drivers with criminal records excluded. Offer open to females only. Your rates will be higher.

"Fascinating!! Knew that price was a little whacky!" I flipped on the image of the ad for that asthma medication that promises to have you running through fields of goldenrod, carrying a long-haired cat, and smoking a Camel^©.

May cause fatal heart attack. Not for use in states that start with the letter "A." Will permanently scar your lungs, leading to a grisly, slow pulmonary death. Not approved for use in the U.S. Caused horribly malignant genital tumors in laboratory rodents. Not to be taken with food, water, or Michelob Lite.^©

"Holy bronchial tubes!!! That sounds like one to avoid! How about that ad for that new pizza place on Thomasville Road?

Open Mon-Fri, 600-700 PM. Closed weekends. Deep dish not available with cheese. All toppings $20 extra. Large pizza requires two hours notice. Meatballs imported from the Ukraine; Dioxin content not tested.

"Good grief!! No pie for me!! How about that ad for that new Jeep^© we saw? Sounded like a deal too good to pass up.

Vehicle shown $100,000. Warranty void if driven anywhere. Passengers extra. Requires $90,000 in cash at signing. $10,000 dealer-financed loan at 27% for 100 months, if qualified. Convicted felons only. May be repossessed without notice. All sales final. "Lemon law" not applicable in the 48-contiguous states.

"No wheels for me! I think I'll look into that Vespa^© you like."