Last weekend I had dinner with my high school friend Tony. Works at IRS. We decided to head to the beautiful Inner Harbor for some wings and a few brews at Hooters®.

"You can deduct this meal, you know," my friend shouted over the din of some Tarheel fans screaming at the next table. "We discussed tax-saving tips and investment strategies."

"What about that great-looking orange and white Hooter's® Golf Bag," I asked?

"Absolutely. You can lose it in your trunk and take it off as a casualty loss."

"Is that legal?"

"You bet," said Tony. "Cindy isn't going to let you keep it, right? So, she'll throw it out. That's where the 'casualty' comes in."

"I see. Sounds like a stretch, but you're the expert. What other deductions might I be missing that are perfectly legal like that one," I offered? I mean I was talking to a guy who works at IRS. He must know what he's talking about.

"Well," started Tony, "for one thing, most people forget about those  line 20 expenses: all those unreimbursed employee expenses, particularly those job education expenses you incur."

"Like what do you mean?"

"Remember when we went to see Titanic and than had dinner at Ruth's Chris to discuss what we saw? Well, you're a doctor aren't you? You learned about submersion and other aquatic-related injuries. Helped maintain your skills in medicine. Definitely a deduction."

"Really?" "What about Pulp Fiction?"

"Yup, learned about high velocity projectile injuries."

"How about Contact?"

"Sure, high altitude injuries and aerospace medicine."

"I see, anything that helps to maintain or improve my skills in my primary profession."

"You got the idea now," Tony said.

"That Helen Hunt is quite an actress, huh?"

"Yeah, and that reminds me, you and Cindy are starting that video film business, right? Well, you gotta study acting techniques. So, any movie you see, TV show, cost of that new wide-screen projection TV in your basement, that Sony® VX 1000-all of that is deductible."

"Really?" I was beginning to see the light now. Seems that I could deduct everything I bought or rented, every meal I ate, every book or video, and every movie or play I saw for the entire year of 1997. "Line 20 expenses, huh? I like it. That new tax code certainly is user-friendly," I said, lighting up a Don Thomas™. "I bet I can even deduct this cigar."

"Of course, you can, Tony said, lighting up a Davidoff™, "it's a line 22 miscellaneous deduction."

"Miscellaneous?"

"Yeah, when you talk with your investment advisor at PaineWebber about income-generating strategies, don't you always have cigars?"

"Yeah, sure, but..."

"No sweat, it's deductible."

"What about that trip I took to Hawaii for that medical meeting? Cost me nearly $5000."

"Did you attend any seminars? Discuss possible future job prospects?"

"Yes, but it was a family vacation, too, I tacked on 10 days at the end at the Hilton."

"No problem, it's deductible, all of it!"

"What about my Orioles' and Wizards' season tickets? Are they deductible?"

"You always talk about your video business with your guests, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but..."

"They're deductible!"

I now realized that the warmer, friendlier folks at IRS want you to take every deduction possible. Why, the name of the game is refund. They don't want you to pay any taxes at all. Too much work for them. Far easier to just send out those refunds. No messy checks to collect. Stimulates the economy, you know. So, time to get cracking with those returns. Attach those extra sheets full of deductions. All legal, of course. It's down to two weeks and counting...

And here it is April 1 already.