Well, another Earth Day celebration! Have you been good this year? I mean, take Jesse, the new MTV VJ guy - he gave up showering for Earth Day. Like people would have noticed.

The real test of your loyalty, dedication, real commitment to Earth Day, it seems to me, however, is your cumulative "Recycle Index." That is, the quantitative measure, the report card, as it were, of your recycling experience for the year.

"Recycling Index of what," you ask? Why, it only stands to reason - the recycling history of your already recycled nourishment. What we shall call, for the sake of modesty, the "Poopie Index."

As we surveyed our constituents for this most important of life's benchmarks, however, we found that there was considerable confusion as to what to count as a true, well, poopie, and what is merely so much "hot air." For example, how much does it take, load-wise, to meet the mininum criteria to qualify as a bona-fide poopie? These questions, and others, will hopefully be answered by the use of the following list as a guideline:

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet. Counts for 0 points.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. One point.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain. Points awarded vary from one to five points, depending on the total pooper volume. Requires a separate measuring cup.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more. Each poop is worth a point.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. Two points.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. This "super pooper" is worth a staggering 10 points!

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. Still one point, no matter how much noise you make.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory. One point, although a bonus point can be awarded for design.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times. A point is deducted from your total.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways. Twin points awarded.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water. One point awarded for form, one point for technical merit.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. One point.

Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns. Uno punte, por favoir.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell. A point and a silver spoon awarded.

The Surprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie! This earns the bearer 3 points, but carries with it a one month suspension, during which time no points can be earned.

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pooping. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose. One point awarded for each piece that successfully makes it to the target.

Now, in order to score your "Poopie Index," you merely add up all the points garnered over the year, with the help of the above guide. A score of 300 points or higher qualifies you for the Earth Day "Grand Poopie" medal; 250 - 300 points results in the award of the " Super Dooper Pooper" medal; 200 - 250 points in the "Slim Pickin's Pooper Trooper" medal; 150 - 200 points in the "Petty Pooper" award; and less than 150 points earns you the "Anal Retentive Paltry Pooper" medal.

Good luck! And I hope your Earth Day was as fulfilling for you as it was for me.