America has become one, mean, pissed off place. You can't even go to the ball park without getting beer thrown down the back of your shirt by the loud mouthed fan behind you who didn't care for the ump's call. Or accidentally step on a foot at the theater and the lady will likely belt you with her 50-pound handbag on the way out.

What happened to that "kinder, gentler America? Where is that Camelot we enjoyed? Well, I have a theory - dandruff  has ruined America.

Dandruff? Well, yes - 80 million of us have dandruff. That's right. One out of three of us. We're not supposed to have dandruff. It isn't cool. The TV ads, the billboards, the glossy magazine spreads. They all show us the ugly side of "dry scalp." If you have dandruff, you are, well, a failure. A loser. A society misfit.

And that's not all. There's athlete's foot, jock itch, and the dreaded "yeast infection." There's perspiration odor, bad breath, and hemorrhoids. There's indigestion, excess gas, and "irregularity." Why, Americans are so screwed up that it's a wonder we manage to get through the day!

Every night we come home, flip on the TV or open that magazine or newspaper and find out, again, how messed up we are. We spend billions of dollars to no avail trying to measure up. But, alas, we are still overweight, have bad breath, and, yes, 80 million of us still have dandruff!

The consequences, of course, of this massive dose of failure in our lives is that Americans have developed one helluva inferiority complex. Even supermodels whine and wail about their shortcomings. Tragic, isn't it? We are one group of screwed up, neurotic basket cases. Misery reigns supreme in the U.S.A.

Well, any half-baked shrink will tell you what happens when we are bombarded on a daily basis with failure and negative feedback. Our neuroses fester and boil under our skin and when we can't take it any more we finally explode with violence, rage and vengeance.

Family values? Religious spirituality? Morals? Ethics? They're all out the window. Dandruff is the culprit. Those ugly flakes of dry skin, dropping off our heads like a veritable snow shower, peppering our black sweaters and shirts (doesn't everyone wear black?) with a solid cover of big, ugly flakes. Got a job interview? Forget it. Up for that part in a movie. No way. Blind date tonight? Might as well stay home and play Nintendo™. Those flakes will shoot you down again. The dry scalp police will have you in handcuffs faster than you can say "flick."

So here is my theory about how to cure violence in America. It's simple really. All we need to do is cure dandruff. Flush those flakes! Sanitize that scalp! Now, how hard can that be? We've put a man on the Moon, a diver into the Titanic, and re-elected Marion Barry. Surely, we can do something about dandruff. I mean, how nasty can that 2 mm flake of dry skin be? Like is it going to jump up and take a swipe at you?

Once we cure dandruff, everything else will begin to fall into place. America will soon return to those days of Camelot and a whole, brave new world will be born. One after another of society's imperfections will be attacked and eliminated. Gone will be jock itch. Yeast infections will be nipped in the bud. Hemorrhoids will shrink on site. Excess gas will vent automatically. Indigestion will never be brought up again. In short, all our ills will be cured and our rage will disappear. Our neuroses will melt before our eyes. People will start to actually talk to each other on the streets and in the elevators. Men and women will discover the joys of human companionship without the paranoia and recriminations. Police will stop writing traffic tickets. Dogs and cats will marry and procreate. Drivers will let you pull in front of them. Bank loan officers will learn the word "yes." IRS auditors will take sensitivity training courses. All attorneys will drop a zero from their fees. Gas stations will lower prices before major holiday weekends. In short, America will become a fun place to live again.

So, all we have to do is use our heads. Shampoo for America. Wash that rage right down the drain.

Of course, if we all wash that rage right down the drain at once, the sewers of America will become clogged with one, huge epidermal sludgeball. Even industrial strength Liquid Plumber™ won't break up that greasy gob of yucky scalp slime. A huge tidal wave will sweep America into the sea. Civilization, as we know it, will cease to exist. Dinosaurs will once again rule the earth, until they are all wiped out again when all the computers in the world go blooey at the Millennium. I guess that's why we haven't cured dandruff yet. Oh well, back to the drawing board.