As it happens, I will be in Baltimore tonight, celebrating a birthday (not mine). But curiously, we were not one of the lucky 1000 that will get to field test the plumbing for the Ravens. I'm crushed. I know I could do it. I could yank that chain like a trooper. I can flush with the best of them. I mean, I've been there. Done that. I have flushed at the US Airways Arena. The MCI Center. RFK Stadium. Orioles Park. And, yes, I have even flushed at Flushing Meadows. I mean it doesn't get any better than that.

I'm trying to picture in my mind how they will pull it off tonight. Will a " liquid deposit" be required, to actually simulate true halftime "flow" conditions? Will the Ravens serve their 1000 guests a "yard" of ale in order to "prime the pump?" After all, we are talking reality here. A sissy soda is not going to hack it. And what about a plate of spicy nachos with a load of jalapenos in order to test the "solid waste" system? We must have a few "explosive" offerings to truly duplicate the typical venue at the half. And how are they going to simulate the obligatory drunk hurling chunks in the can? After all, the plumbing has to be challenged in every way possible.

And how are they going to see to it that all 1000 actually flush at the same time? I guess they're going to have the stadium announcer belt out some pre-arranged phrase in order to start the festivities. Like:

"Genltemen, start your engines."

Can we say that? I mean, women do go to football games. Don't they? But, do they flush?

And what if something goes wrong? What if the plumbing can't handle it? A tidal wave of stale beer, nachos and jalapenos could literally sweep Baltimore into the Chesapeake Bay! It could flood the Inner Harbor, washing revelers into the sea to a certain horrible death! Fell's Point could collapse in one awful moment, creating a mad, desperate scramble for the water taxis that, alas, will only be able to rescue a few survivors. Baltimore, as we know it, will cease to exist.

And all because, the "flushers" were not carefully hand picked or screened. I guess the Ravens just invited any old 1000 people off the streets. They certainly didn't turn to the "professionals" like myself. Did they comb the Yellow Pages for "Plumbing - Industrial - Testers - Professional?" I think not. They'll get exactly what they deserve. A chaotic, uncontrolled, veritable mass frenzy, that will rival the World Cup celebration in Paris. (Imagine all the flushing that must have gone on there!) No wonder the French won the World Cup. They know how to handle that kind of thing. Now you know how the Statue of Liberty got here; it "floated" over.

Well, I have a suggestion for the Ravens tonight. It's not too late. They should listen. After all, I am a professional. First of all, the "experiment" has to have a proper control group. Conditions have to be perfect, or else the scientific community will tear the statistics apart in the literature. It would be a shame to have to delay Opening Day because of an inconclusive study.

OK. So here's what we do to truly test the system. The 1000 volunteers should be divided into two groups, and seated on opposite sides of the stadium in order to simulate the mix of fans. An actual game should be played, utilizing professionals, wearing the ugliest uniforms possible, who still think the Raven's mascot is a "dawg." it is important that the home team screw up every scoring opportunity and trail at halftime, on the particularly ugly play of the wide recievers, who, despite gobs of "stickum," have dropped virtually every pass that came their way.

The complete compliment of concession culinary offerings should be available, from the sausage with extra hot sauce and peppers to the not-quite-ready-for-prime-time nachos. Warm beer should be plentiful and served beginning two hours before game time. Salty peanuts, pretzels and "ball park" franks are a must. Warm mayonnaise, with just a "touch" of Salmonella should be readily available. The pepperoni on the pizza should be the extra "hot" italian kind, and the grease should soak through your plate from just one slice.

It is important that the referees call every penalty on the home team, with a particularly egregious, outrageous call just before halftime, which negates a touchdown. Now, the fans should be ready, indeed, in perfect form, to truly test the "facilities." At the half, as the teams rush off the field to a cacophony of boos and jeers, and the cheerleaders violate every rule of choreography and fashion, there should be a mad dash, no, stampede, to the rest rooms. The women's line must be at least 100 long, while the men proceed, beer in hand, without encumbrence. After allowing 10 minutes for the system to "equilibrate," and the obligatory paper towels to find their way into the urinals, the test will be ready to begin. It is important here that trained observers monitor each rest room to be sure no one cheats by actually flushing until the commodes and urinals are overflowing with contents. This will actually simulate real field conditions. Cigarette butts, matches, crumpled programs, and other debris should be allowed to accumulate, as under normal conditions. One other thing is necessary. Several stalls and urinals in each rest room should be closed down, with hand-written "Out of Order" signs affixed, in order to concentrate the action on already overloaded toilets. Finally, appropriate eructations and flatulence should be amply released, in order to duplicate the "ambiance" surrounding this most ancient of rituals. And then, at just the right time, pre-arranged by a "secret" code word, inscribed on the back of the ticket, broadcast over the loudspeakers at precisely halftime plus 19 minutes, every toilet in the stadium, including those marked "Out of Order," and particularly those with significant debris, should be flushed and, this is important, the handles should be held down for 15 seconds while simulataneously throwing additional paper towels down the drain.