For Cindy and for most people there is nothing more abhorent than the ritual of shopping for a car. I love it. I actually look forward to it. It's a rush for me. The lies. The negotiating strategies. The "game." There's the "sticker price," the "invoice" price and the "real price" they paid for it. There is the "dealer discount," the "special financing," and the lease. There's the "option package," the "safety package," and the "towing package." I was ready for them all.

I had purposely picked closing time on a weekday night, the day after a major holiday, the very night that McGwire was poised to hit #62. I figured we would be the only people in the dealership. They would be dying to make a sale. I was right.

I braced myself for that "first contact," that moment when, as you walk in the door, all eyes in the place look you over, pretending not to pay attention, then finally your "salesman" saunters over to you, hand extended. A short, stocky guy with a ghastly beard welcomed us within two feet of the entrance.

"Hi folks! Let me put you in this new Road Whizzer SST!!" He, of course, had picked the top of the line $34,000 "Wedgewood Blue" Whizzer SST 4-DR SUV, with leather, 260 horsepower V-6 4.9L FI SOHC Dogstar Engine, moon roof, magnesium wheels, "off road, all weather, never flat" oversized tires, and a kick-ass 400 watt stereo system that could run the PA at Jack Kemp Cooke Stadium. Even had a steam frammis.

"Well...Fred, is it? Let me tell you what I have to spend, and then we can go for a test drive."

"Sure. Come into my office and we'll talk. You folks care for a soda?"

"No thanks. Fred, we want to finance with a 60-month loan, with this much down, and I don't want to pay more than $350 a month."

"No problem. Fred will take care of you. I want you to walk out of here tonight with that new SST, at the price you want. I want you to be happy. If you're happy, then I'm happy."

I felt an unconscious urge to pass the barf bag.

"OK, Fred. I believe you. I know you want to make us happy. Cindy and I will take that test drive now."

Now, my wife and I have this part down to an art. She drives, at breakneck speeds, over winding back roads, while I sit in the passenger seat and methodically critique the ride, the pick up, the options, etc. We usually push it until the salesman, now white-knuckled and sweating profusely, asks us to "slow down a bit." Finally,our routine is punctuated by idle banter like "Our old one had a much smoother ride," or "That really wasn't 260 horsepower, was it?"

At this point of the "game", the exercise proceeds to the "let me write it up, and I'll take it to my manager" stage. "If you would just fill out this short form and let me make copies of your licenses while you're writing, we can have you sitting in that SST in no time."

And pigs fly.

After listing every address we ever lived at, our bank accounts, names of three relatives, our last ten years of employment history and the number of times my wife and I have sex each week, Fred darted off somewhere in the back.

After a fashionably convincing delay, he returned with "Mike," a grizzly, overweight slob, with tobacco-stained teeth and a tie that was too narrow for his enormous paunch.

"We can let you have it for, uh, twenty-nine, and with that amount down, we can make your monthly payments as low as...um, let's see...(at this point there is an impressive series of calculations performed on the ancient calculator on the desk)...$480 per month."

"Uh, Mike, I told Fred here our bottom line was $350. What interest rate were you quoting there?"

"Eight per cent."

"Bite me."

"Well, you know, we do have a lower 2.9% rate for our best customers who qualify. Let me check your references; we'll be back shortly."

Right about this time, McGwire cracked #62 over the left field fence. It was 8:18 PM on September 8, 1998. As sports history was being made in St. Louis, I was waiting for some shnook in a sleazy car dealership in Maryland to check my "references." The suspense was killing me.

As McGwire was emotionally embracing the Maris family, Mike returned.

"Congratulations! You qualify for our lowest rate. We can give you the car for $349.95 per month, if you drive it away tonight."

What a surprise.

"It's a deal boys, wrap it up."

"Now, would you be interested in that "Gold Label Warranty?" How about rustproofing...."