Fall is supposed to be here any time now, but I guess El Nino (or is it El Nina, this time?) has other ideas. My grass is parched beyond repair. Gone. Toasted. Fodder for the Park Police equine squadron. Unless absolutely necessary, I try to avoid the heat, pollen and the pollution, staying inside whenever possible. There is a lot to keep me occupied these days. McGwire and Sosa are slugging their way into the history books (who will end up hitting the most?). The Orioles have played themselves out of the post season. The Redskins? Who knows? Will the DC United "Three-peat?" Stay tuned. How about the Caps in 98-99? Will they win the Cup? Last week we had the Emmy Awards. This weekend it's Miss America. Titanic is out on video. Russia is going down the tube. The ruble is trying to emulate the peso. The Asian markets are taking a tumble. Try to follow it all, and your brain will "fry" from information overload.

Of course, just when it seemed I was getting a handle on everything, there came this thing called the "Starr Report." I mean, I'm having enough trouble reading Dilbert each day in the Washington Post, so, like I'm gonna read a 500-page report? I don't think so. Scanned it, though. Quickly tossed it out afterwards so the kids don't get into it.

Now, I'm not a lawyer, and there were a lot of new terms I didn't understand, but one, in particular, caught my attention: "Word parsing." Now there's a concept I could use the next time I knock the mirror off my wife's XLT backing it out of the garage. The scenario might go something like this:

"Oh, Sweetums, did we have a little accident this morning?"

"Certainly not, that stain on my pants is from lunch; we went to that bar-b-que place.

"I mean the mirror on my car! It's ripped off the door and hanging by a wire!!"

"Oh, that. Noticed that when I got into the car to drive home."

"Yeah, so..did you knock it off this morning when you backed out of the garage. How do you explain this blue paint on the garage post?"

"That paint's been there for months."

"Well, it didn't just fall off by itself!!"

"You're right."

"So did you or didn't you knock it off?"

"Honestly, I never touched it."

"Bull s**t!!!"

"Honey, Snookums, Pookie-Bear, I am telling you the truth when I say I never touched that mirror."

Later that day, as I was on the phone with the insurance adjustor, my wife overheard the tragic truth.

"So, you lied to me!"

"I did not lie. When I told you I never touched that mirror with my hands I was technically telling the truth. I was embarrassed to tell you that I knocked it off. I was trying to protect you, my family, and my coworkers from the sordid details. It was an egregious error in judgment, I take full responsibility for it and I apologize. We have been consumed with this matter now for too long. It has cost us and the American taxpayer (when my insurance rates go up) far too much. It's time to put this matter behind us and get on with the business of running our household.