The incessant TV ads. The signs that litter our streets. The campaign rallies. The letters and brochures. You would have to have been living in a cave not to know we have just gone through another election season. And, as usual, we have another crop of the best politicians money can buy. A billion dollars to be exact. That's "billion" with a "B." That's how much we spent on Congressional elections this year. Why, that will buy a squadron of fancy stealth fighters; or fix a lot of roads and bridges; buy a gaggle of teachers and school repairs; or pay for a whole day of our nation's medical bill. Unfortunately, all that money went instead to the political slush funds of our country's elected officials.

Every year it's the same. The promises of campaign reform. Integrity and family values surface as the watchwords of democracy. The incumbent's miserable record of corruption and dirty tricks is dragged out for all to see. And the revolving door lets a few more in and sends some home. Careers and marriages are made and ruined. And a whole lot of campaign workers pack their bags for Washington to enjoy the spoils of victory.

Don't you love it? We waste almost as much time obsessing about our political system as we do with who's sleeping with whom today in Hollywood. Do we have our priorities screwed up or what? I mean, with more than 200 million Americans, if each of us coughed up five bucks, we could fund the entire Congressional elections every session, and the politicians wouldn't have to sell their souls to the special interests that got them elected in the first place. Think about it.

Of course, you wake up on the Wednesday after elections, and tune in the shocking results (gads, you didn't really stay up all night to watch the returns, did you?), recite the usual "O..h m..y G...d, they didn't really elect THAT slimeball, did they," and, if you're like me, you resolve to do something about it next time. Like vote for Mickey Mouse as a write-in candidate; or actually work for your next door neighbor, the drunk's, campaign for the state house; or, heaven forbid, you think about running yourself!

Hey, why not? I'm honest. Value the family. Never taken a bribe. Understand government well, but never held elected office. Born in the northeast, but lived or travelled in every state of the Union (except Alaska - but I plan to go there next year). I have 2.2 kids, a dog and a cat. Voted in every election. Serve in the military. Even got deployed during Desert Storm. Pretty good speaker, too. A physician. Understand our complex health care system. Even have a legal background. And, yes loyal readers, I even have a sense of humor!

So, here's what I need to do. Gotta wait 'til I retire from the military (they kind of frown on partisan politics while you're defending your country - makes sense, doesn't it?). Write a really kick-ass campaign "white paper" about all the things I am going to do to make your lives easier and publish it on the Internet ( a few traditional print ads wouldn't hurt), and then I'm going to send every eligible citizen in my district a dollar to vote for me (of course, I'll have to raise the money first). Hmm, I guess I'll have to get the endorsement of one of the major parties first, huh? No problem, once they read my campaign literature, I'm sure they will be beating down the door to sign me up.

Uhh, I think I forgot one thing. I need a campaign slogan. Something memorable. Something catchy. Something that will be on the lips of every voter in the district. After all, I need that name recognition. Not sure my 13 loyal readers are quite enough to get me over the top. I need something on the order of "I like Ike" or "Tippacanoe and Tyler, Too." Hmm, what do you think - I kind of like "Support the Mortster." It's simple. Yet it's elegant. It flows. No one else can claim it. It's me.