"I need to squeeze every deduction I can out of my Return this year. I got mega credit card debts to pay off. I need that refund!"

"Have I ever let you down?"

"No, of course not. Where do I start?"

"Do you own a farm?"

"A farm? You kidding? No, but I nearly bought the farm on the Beltway last summer. That bastard in the pick up truck..."

"Perfect. Fill out a Schedule F. The deductions come right off the top. And don't forget to include all that insecticide you use. Now, do you wear a uniform at work?"

"Well, yeah, sort of. We have to wear suits..."

"Excellent. You can deduct the cost of tailoring and laundering your uniforms on Schedule A. You use that fancy, overpriced cleaner on Connecticut Avenue, right?"

"Well, actually I use the Burtonsville Cleaners, and I don't have any receipts..."

"Don't worry about it. Just make up a number and mark it 'estimated.'"

"I didn't know you could do that."

"Sure. If you get audited, you show them a few receipts from this year and claim that's been your pattern for years. Usually works."

"I see. What about my meals? I eat out a lot."

"You and your wife have that video business, right? Every time you go out to eat with friends, you discuss something pertaining to the business, don't you? After all, anyone is a potential client."

"Well, yeah, I suppose so, but I don't keep any receipts."

"No problem. Just make up a log of meals, jot down the names of the guests to the best of your recollection, and fill in the numbers. And don't forget to take tonight's soiree off your return next year. Tax advice is deductible. "

"Can I just make up names like that?"

"Sure. As long as it seems reasonable. But leave off the Remy Martin Louis XIII Cognac. The IRS does not cotton well to $1000 bottles of booze. Now, what about all those trips you and your wife take? They're deductible if you receive some continuing education, your employer sent you, or it's connected with your video business."

"Well, I saw Vanna White on my trip to Hawaii in January. I learned something about the entertainment industry by checking out her camera angles."

"You're getting the idea now. Take it all off."

"The whole trip? But we were there for 10 days and I only saw Vanna for a few hours one evening."

"No problem. You thought about her hard all the time after that, didn't you?"

"Sure, but..."

"Then the trip is 100% deductible!"

"But I saw her on our last night!"

"No sweat. You spent the first nine days in anticipatory contemplation.

"I like your reasoning, Tony. What about that student loan I'm paying off for my daughter after she quit her job when her boyfriend ran off with that blond Hooter's girl?"

"You mean that no good delinquent who has been sponging off of you for years? You bet. All the interest is deductible. And don't forget all those casualty losses."

"What casualty losses?"

"You furnished her apartment, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but..."

"And the place is totally trashed every weekend, isn't it?"

"Well, yeah, but..."

"Then it's a total loss, right?"

"I suppose you could look at it that way. But I need more. What about my charitable contibutions?"

"You live in the DC Metro area, don't you?"

"Yeah. So do you, so what?"

"This place has the highest cost of living in the free world. Every time you go to the store, it's like you're throwing your money into somebody else's pocket. You might say you're donating to their favorite charity."

"Ah, I get it now. Every expense I have. It's all deductible, isn't it?"

"You are the man. You still work at that thankless job in Bethesda?"

"Yeah.."

"Don't you feel like you spend your whole life just trying to keep that humorless bastard happy?"

"Yeah, sometimes it feels like I just live to work. My whole existence is wrapped up in that job."

"Then everything you buy at the store can be deducted on your From 2106. Just remember - your employer made you buy it. Although I would leave off the Playboy subscription."

"If you say so. What else?"

"Didn't you move last year?"

"No, but my wife and I are planning to retire in a few years."

"Excellent. You can call all those trips you took last year as 'house hunting' trips. Take it off on your Form 3903. And don't forget the meals, hotel and tips. And, while I'm thinking about it, you can take off that Sony Video Entertainment Center you bought last summer that I saw at your Super Bowl party. Depreciate it right on your 4562."

"But, how do I justify that?"

"You do own a video production business, don't you?"

"Yeah, sure, but..."

"Do I need to say more? And, by the way, don't forget to fill out your 8859."

"What the hell is that?"

"That's the form for claimimg credit as a first-time homebuyer in the District of Columbia."

"But I don't own a home in DC...."

"You go to that night club in Georgetown every week, don't you?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You've spent a fortune there, haven't you?"

"Well, yeah, but..."

"So, you've spent so much you probably feel like you own the place." And you could also claim an 8844 deduction."

"What is that?"

"Empowerment Zone deduction. I can vouch for the fact that you're empowered every time you spend your hard earned coin at the Mad Batter Lounge. And don't forget to fill out your 8834."

"And that would be...?"

"Credit for a 'qualified electric vehicle.' "

"But, I don't own an electric car..."

"You ride the Metro all the time, don't you? It runs on electricity."

"Well, sure, but I don't see..."

"Just think what you are doing for the environment. It is an electric vehicle. You deserve a deduction for being a good citizen."

"Well, let's see, if that's true I could probably take an 8830 deduction."

"Enhanced oil recovery credit. You bet. You suck enough oil off those Pizza Hut Meat Lover's gorge fests to light a small country for a week."

"So, I can pretty much deduct everything, then. Wow, I'm going to score a huge refund this year!! Thanks, Tony. Can I buy you a beer? It is deuctible, isn't it?"