But now the spinning dial stops on ABC. Something grabs our attention. Two freaks in hippies' outfits trimmed with outlandish fur are arguing outside a restaurant while their limo driver waits.  And the Beat Goes On: The Sonny and Cher Story. "They become a famous singing/entertaining duo and hosts of a popular '70s TV show but eventually go their separate ways," reads the review in the paper. Now, their original show in the 70's was a classic. But this! Why insult our intelligence? Oh, I forgot - it's that time of the year again when the TV networks bombard us with their "best stuff." And why? So we will tune them in and they can thereby justify charging even more obscene amounts for their advertising. That annoying, vapid advertising that consumes 8 to 10 minutes out of every 30-minute show. This annual ritual has a name; they call it "sweeps."

An interesting name, "sweeps." What does it mean? Who is getting "swept" anyway? Is it us or them?Too bad we are not sweeping it under the rug! It is, of course, all about numbers. Like our dizzyingly spinning counter at the top of the page, somebody out there is counting how many of us tune in and when. As if this brief period of the year can justify all the trash they throw at us the rest of the time. And, just to make it worse, the trash gets replayed one or more times during the "summer" repeats. And that's a laugh - summer starts in April and ends in October these days - at least if you are a TV network executive. The formula is simple - titillate us with teasers of the new shows all summer; throw all your resources into the first few episodes; then save all the "good stuff," like the sex and surprises for "sweeps," mix in a few good "made for TV movies" and, finally, dust off a classic or two, and, voila, a star is born, or so they hope.

Of course, no one would argue that there are a few good shows left on "commercial" television. Surely, with dozens of channels to choose from, there is always something playing that qualifies just above the "made for moron" threshold. And perhaps therein lies the subliminal appeal of TV; it is not intended to educate - merely to entertain, at a level far below human consciousness. And so goes the theory of "sweeps."

We can agree that And the Beat Goes On certainly did not educate. Did it entertain? Well, at the subliminal, soap operish who's-sleeping-with-whom- and who's-career-is-destroyed-today-level, it succeeded. It may even have elicited a tear or two when they played the moving and heart-tugging eulogy by the real Cher at the real Sonny's funeral. After all, we all loved Sonny. And we all will miss him.

Think about it, though. What have been some the "great moments" in TV history? "Who Shot JR?" on Dallas. We found out it was all a dream! The death of Jimmy Smits on NYPD Blue. That was a three-hankie event. The last Carson show. Even Bette Midler cried when she sang that farewell to Johnny. Or watching that white Chevy Blazer drive through Los Angeles. Not exactly Academy Award stuff. But sentimental? Yes. Emotional? Yes? Vicariously dangerous? Yes. The formula for success: first of all, entertain. Worry about content, if at all, later. Much later.

But here's what puzzles me about all this. I have never been called by anyone to register my opinion about any TV shows. Have you? Who are these Nielsen families anyway? And how are they "selected?" How valid are their "choices?" I mean, if you've got some giant black box recording your every TV move, are you ever going to watch the Playboy Channel? I don't think so. You'd probably feel like Jim Carey in The Truman Show. Like the whole world is watching what you do.

So here's what we have to do. It's easy, really. I'm surprised no one has thought of it yet. Must be my devilish mind at work again. We hack into the Nielsen homes and gussy up the results a bit so we don't get the same old trash on TV next season. If any 15-year old kid with a computer can hack into the Pentagon, or intercept your cellular phone number, surely we can "jam" the Nielsen home boxes. I mean, how much security protection do they have on those things, anyway? This isn't like the IRS computers (yeah, like my tax return is really safe anyway).

So we hack into the Nielsen homes, and we run up huge numbers on the Spice Channel and MTV, throw in a major dose of The Comedy Channel, and round it out with significant numbers on ESPN and ESPN2. Just to keep it legit in case someone wonders what happened, we purposely run up some hits on selected "in" programming, like The Practice or Felicity, but bypass everything else on the networks.

So what will be the result of these shennanigans? The networks will be forced to show nothing but old reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies and Seinfeld and their advertising will be so cheap that you and I can replace those Budweiser frogs with our own beer ads. Cable TV companies will enjoy a bonanza because viewers will have no reason to watch the local stations. This will finally drive the price of your cable bill down, instead of that ridiculous $99 a month for 74 worthless "basic" channels and a few "premiums." And they'll even throw in that glossy Cable TV Guide which they charge you $2.62 a month for - and you wondered why your bill went up again - for free!!!

Since we will all have more spendable cash each month, who know's what might happen? People might donate to charity, fix up that ugly vacant lot next door, or even feed the homeless. Pretty soon dogs and cats will be sleeping together, Bobby Knight will be cozying up to those striped shirts, and guppies will be flapping their little gills once again in our rivers and streams. Who would have thought that "sweeps" could be so powerful a vehicle of social change? We are what we watch, so let's take back those TV changers and give 'em to the real junkies. Don't allow yourself to be swept into another year of TV oblivion. Nielsens, watch out. You are about to meet your match. The real American viewer is coming to a station near you! And we're angry, and we're not going to take it anymore!!