Like who really cares if Private Ryan or Shakespeare won Best Picture anyway? It's not like my life will change as a result. Sure, maybe now I'll have to go out and drop some major coin to see what was so special about Gwyneth. And, by the way, who names their daughter "Gwyneth" anyway? Maybe someone named "Blythe?" (Well, she said in that 1979 interview that she likes "th's").

What is it about these awards shows that keeps America coming back for more? There have got to be more awards shows on TV now than those blasted car ads. That's scary. And, for some reason, we watch them. Is there some subliminal appeal of these shows that continues to draw us to them? So, in an effort to get to the bottom off this, dizzed out that as I was, I met my old high school friend, Gene, the celebrity shrink, at my favorite watering hole in the Inner Harbor Monday night.

As KellyAnne leaned over to pour me a pale ale, I threw down the gauntlet: "So, why do we watch these stupid shows anyway? What's the appeal?"

"Listen to this "blow-by-blow Oscar arrivals", Mort, from Mr. Showbiz: "3:50 p.m. Gwyneth Paltrow arrives early on her dad, Bruce Paltrow's arm looking like a blushing princess in a pink Ralph Lauren spaghetti strap with a matching wrap.""

"You mean her father was wearing a dress?"

"No, she was."

"So what's the point?"

"Wait; it goes on: "Her hair in a low Grace Kelly-like chignon and Harry Winston diamond choker with matching (natch) earrings, Gwyn beams and talks happily about having spent the morning with her best girlfriends.""

"But, so what? I still don't see the point."

"Have patience. Listen to this: "3:55 p.m. Back in Hollywood (that was fast), Anne Heche (bra-less in a Cerruti spaghetti strap gown)and Ellen DeGeneres (in a white Richard Tyler suit with a black shirt) arrive looking like they just rolled out of bed.Guess we know who wears the pants in that household. The duo is celebrating their two-year anniversary tonight (they met at an oscar party).""

"I still don't see the point!!"

"Try this: "4:30 p.m. Celine Dion perhaps taking the bad-taste baton from Cher hits the carpet in a John Galliano (for Dior) white satin backward tuxedo with a matching oversized fedora and diamond-encrusted Ray Bans.""

"Look, Gene, I know you are this hot-shot shrink and all, and people actually pay you for this, but what the hell is the point!!!"

"Just one more, I promise: "4:35 p.m. Brenda Blethyn, in a sequined blue Escada sleeveless, admits that she is much more relaxed this year because she doesn’t think she has "a chance in hell" of winning. When asked who she thinks will win, she says — in a word — "Judi.""

"OK, OK. I give! I can't take any more! This is boring!!!!"

"Bingo."

"I don't get it."

"It's all visual. People are natural born voyeurs. You've proved it. Just reading about it is boring. You have to actually see it."

"You mean we are all just visual sponges, going through life soaking up images for our cerebral art collection?"

"Something like that. Humans have a huge visual cortex. We need to be stimulated all the time with images. But it goes deeper than that."

"What are you, a friggin' psychiatrist or something? Oh, I forgot, you are. So what's your point now?"

"Why do you come to this restaurant? Is it the food or the girls in the tasteless orange shorts and the "speed bumps?""

"Watch it. I think KellyAnne will be offended. Are you saying that visual images are "nourishment for the soul?" Is that why we are natural voyeurs? Our brains need a constant shot of pixel power?"

"Precisely. It's obviously not the content; it's the image. That's why you come to this restaurant and put up with the noise, the smoke, the greasy wings, and the watered-down beer."

"I like the wings! You mean we are merely slaves of our visual cortex. We can't help ourselves?"

"Visual images are more important than the written or spoken word in all cultures."

"So we watch the awards shows only to ogle the people? We don't care about who actually won?"

"Who won last year's Best Actor Oscar?"

"Uh, was it Frank Zappa?"

"I rest my case."