Piper's very own joke:
 

Do you realize  that these jokes are made up by Drummers?
It's because we make them march at the back.

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?  

    Eventually, people will get tired of jumping on a trampoline.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Why do pipers march while they play?  
    A moving target is harder to hit.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On the subject of noisy neighbors, I heard a story about a student at an English university, called Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or perhaps it was Neill MacNeill from Barra, but anyway ...), who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he'd been there a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal. 

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. 

"Mother," he replied. "They're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams, away into the night." 

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" 

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes." 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"At the end of the service, Sgt.  MacTavish played the bagpipes on the hillside above the church. Since that time, he has been stationed in Korea." 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a lawn mower?  

    You can tune the lawn mower. 

    or  People get upset when someone borrows a lawn mower and doesn't give it back. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A Canadian Officer, pinned down with his unit in 1944 in Italy, urgently signalled his CO. 

"Need reinforcements to rescue us, please send six tanks or one piper." 
 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Words of warning: 

I found that when transporting hostile or unpleasant teenaged boys by car that they couold be subdued almost instantly by playing a bagpipe tape in my tape player.  When they are pleasant we listen to old time 50's and 
60's rock.  Surly boys listen to bagpipes.  At home the same tapes are useful for emptying the living room. 

Years ago one of my sons argued forcefully that he should be allowed to get a Kansas driver's license at 
age 14.  I remarked that the local St. Andrew's Pipe Band was offering FREE bagpipe lessons. Just mentioning the possiblity that I might consider playing bagpipes was enough to stop that boy from ever harranging me again on the subject of driving at 14!  Long live bagpipes.  -  Pat 
 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I just wondered if you had heard  ... The definition of a Gentleman - Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes -- BUT DOESN'T !! 

I've also heard it used with reference to the accordian." 
 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Why Do Pipers March When they play? 
    To get away from the sound. 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw?  

    The chain saw dosn't have vibrato. 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What's the difference between a cat in the road and a bagpipe in the road?  

    People usually swerve to MISS the cat.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

How do you get two pipers in tune with each other?  

    Shoot one of them. 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ireland gave the Scots the bagpipes . . . and they still haven't gotten the joke yet. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If your drones start up, and no one is around to hear them, do they make a sound? 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A piper finished a long, hot parade and went to the pub to quench his terrible thirst. He hadn't been there long when he suddenly realized that, although he'd locked his car, he'd left his pipes in plain view on the seat. He rushed back to the car, but was too late. The car window was broken, and there were three more sets of pipes on the back seat. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
PIPING IS LIFE - THE REST DOESN'T MATTER! 
(I had to put one nice one in)
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Have Christmas present enroute from roommate... a chanter... only one stipulation from her... I must practice in the park and not the house. 
- Craig Lyons
Note from webmaster: She will still be able to "enjoy" them when you start to play the bagpipes from the park. 
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
A Scot visited America. He came home. His best friend asked about his trip. "Americans are the rudest people in the world" he replied. "For example, in New York City I stayed in a fine hotel. I paid a pretty penny, I can tell you, but at nine o'clock in the evening there were people milling around in the hall, noisy and boisterous. At ten o'clock p.m. it was even worse. There were screams, shouting, people pounding on my door. At eleven o'clock people were banging on the walls, and by midnight they were pounding on my ceiling from the room above and on my floor from the room below. You never heard such noise and such language." "What did you do?" the friend asked. "Nothing" the scotsman answered. "I minded my own business and kept practicing the bagpipes." 
 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? 
    Homeless! 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
 I attended a bagpipe camp last year for a week in North Carolina...I received a T-shirt which onthe front said "North American Academy of Piping". When I wore it to school later, a fellow student said, "I did not know you were going to school to learn to be a plumber". (Joe Simpson) 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This octopus walks into a bar and orders a Corona. "That'll be two bucks," says the bartender. So the octopus pays up and says "Will you give me fifty bucks if I can play any instrument you name? "Sure," says the bartender, "go play that piano." So the octopus goes to the piano, sits down, and out comes Van Cliburn, Paderewski, and Liberace all at once. "Damn!" says the bartender, "That's amazing!" And he pays up the fifty bucks. 

Another guy at the bar pulls out a trumpet and says "Play this for fifty." So the octopus starts playing it, and it sounds just like Doc Severinson and Louie Armstrong all at once. And another guy pulls out a guitar, the octopus plays it, and Les Paul, Mary Ford and Andres Segovia are all right there in the music. 

Finally a Scot, in full kilt, walks in and he says "Aye laddie, I'll wager ye cannae play these pipes. So the octopus picks up the pipes, twists them this way and that, looks at the plaid bagskirt, holds them up in the light, and finally puts them down on the barstool next to him while he used six of his eight arms to scratch his head. "Ha!" said the Scot, "Ye canne play them and I win!" 

"Play, hell!" said the octopus, "I wanna have sex with it if I can get its pajamas off...!" 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
 The above jokes were compiled by Mystik - she takes no credit for writing them whatsoever :-) 

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