Just Jokes



I have to start is page with my all time favorite joke... as corny as it is.

What are the only flowers that grow on a face?
TULIPS!!!



A very elderly French couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife
"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed sadly:
"Yes. Yes, he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye the husband asks
"Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she admits:
"You."



The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough= frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds,"Pretty much the way you do."
  A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful."How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies,
"all I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.



There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long, hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and a lot of drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her.
"Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?"
"Well, yes," he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
He did as she asked.
"Now take off my shoes."
He did.
"Now take off my stockings."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties."
And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said;
"Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."



A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my god! No kidding?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get out!"



Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought,
"I don't think so."



It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said,
"I bet I know what it is. Some flowers?"
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,
"I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets?"
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just another wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and then touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring,
"I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"



A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for abust. At closing time everyone comes out and he spots his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded.
"This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man,
"Tonight I am the designated decoy!"



A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
"Clean my house".



A woman goes into a bar, looks into her top pocket and orders a drink. Later, the bartender asked if she would like another drink. She looks into her top pocket, then says,
"Sure, better bring me another one."
After she had finished, the bartender asked her if she wanted another one. Once again, she looks into her top pocket and says,
"Yep, gonna need another one."
Finally, the bartender says,
"Everytime I ask if you want a drink, you look into your pocket before answering. What's going on?"
The woman says,
"Well, I have a picture of my husband in there. As soon as he starts looking good, I'm going home."



A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios."