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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

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I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

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There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

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I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

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I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

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I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

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I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

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Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

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I invented the cordless extension cord.

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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

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Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

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I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

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Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

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All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

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I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

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Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

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I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

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I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

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My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.

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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

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I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

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A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

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I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."

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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

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I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

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I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

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One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

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I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

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I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

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I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

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I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

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There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

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I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

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I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool)... I like to live on the edge...

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I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.